Adventures with Heather Evans

Recording Progress

2012-02-16T07:11:00.001-08:00

Recording this time around has been a WAY different experience for many reasons. For one, I am now a very busy stay at home mom to my cute and growing son, Trust. Time is precious, and every Wednesday I look forward to spending 4 to 5 hours doing guitar tracks, singing some vocal tracks, doing back up vocals and enjoy hearing Rick, my producer, put together all the other pieces of the songs. The collaboration process is fun and sometimes monotonous. You really don't realize all the TIME and effort that is put into each song!!

We have recorded:

Safe Tonight

You Won't Let Me Go (The Kite Song)

Ordinary

Out of the Woods

and are currently working on recording:

Awaken Me

Calmer of the Storms

We are REALLY close to being done! Next step is getting artwork in order, mastering, printing some hard copies of the cd's and then a release party!

I also have some ideas for some possible music videos, but will really need to find someone who is willing to donate some time and energy to helping me get it done! I have faith. Nothing is impossible for an indie artist these days. :)

Probably one of my favorite songs on the record right now is: You Won't Let Me Go (The Kite Song). I am in love with the epic-ness of it and how it builds so well. Not only that, but the meaning behind the song brings me to tears at times when I explain it to people. The song is an analogy about how we are like Kites flying around all crazy and God is the one holding the string flying us. Sometimes we get caught in "branches", get swept away in thunderstorms and do our own thing most of the time, but God is always pursuing us no matter how far we get from him and will always be faithful to rescue us out of those tough spots. I am a doubter at times. BUT time and time again God has shown me He has never given up on me and will always be there even when I don't recognize He is working and chasing after me. He does all the hard work. Running, pursuing, reeling me into his heart...

Here are the lyrics. Maybe it will make more sense if you read it!

You Won't Let Me Go (The Kite Song)

I've been chasing blue skies

But as dark clouds surround me

I've gone too far this time

I hope you come find me

As I look down below

I see you running after me

You won't let me go

Chorus:

You're strong and steady

But like a kite I'm flying away

You hold me to the ground

In your hands I know I'm safe

You won't let me go

Caught in a branch

High above the ground

I see you climbing up to me

You always come rescue me

Bridge:

You're faithful

You're always persuing me

No matter how far I go

You're gracious

You're always pulling me into your heart

Reel me into you

Reel me into you, to you

Musical Confessions

2012-01-04T19:36:00.001-08:00

This post is just a fun way to reflect on how far I've come in music! You're about ready to learn some funny things and some embarrassing things about me!

1.) I started writing poetry when I was in Third Grade and my teacher Mrs Price encouraged me to enter a poetry contest and told me I had a gift for writing. Her encouragement helped refine the songwriter in me.

2.) I started playing guitar when I was in 8th Grade. I only wanted to learn to play the guitar because my sister was learning! My sisterly competitiveness worked out in my favor. I found my love for writing songs and my sister quit playing guitar and took up piano instead!

3.) I wrote my first song the first week I learned the guitar.

4.) I wrote a poem on the last day of school to a cute boy who I liked but never liked me back called "hopeless". I still remember rhymes from it.

5.) I recorded my first EP when I was 15. My dad gave me studio time for my birthday because he wanted to have some of my songs to listen to in the car. I ended up recording a full length album and towards the end, cleaned the studio for studio time. Later, some of the songs landed on Teen show on MTV called Laguna Beach and Noggin's South of No Where. Who knew!

6.) I was only allowed to listen to Christian Music growing up. Loved Sandy Patty, Amy Grant, Clay Cross, Keith Green, and The Brothers

7.) The first concert I ever went to was Clay Cross. I got a huge tshirt with his face on it and wore it all the time.

8.) My first time singing a legit solo was the summer of 6th grade. I sang Crystal Lewis' "People Get Ready" in my Youth Group's touring choir. My mom and dad never thought I'd get the part because I didn't sing in front of them often and was super shy. But sure enough I belted it out with all I had! I found out I loved singing through that experience.

9.) in Sixth Grade I listened to Britney Spears, Nsync and 98 Degrees. I loved the hooks.

10.) I wrote my husband a song before we were dating to tell him I liked him and wanted to be with him and performed it at a show he was at. It is called "Old Fashioned Melody"

11.) I've written over 150 songs since I was 14.

12.) my ex boyfriend broke one of my favorite guitars

13.) my favorite chord is A minor

14.) one of my songs "for my generation" was in an Independent Film called Unitards this past year and I have yet to see it

15.) I write songs mostly when I'm upset or processing through something hard

16.) I must be properly caffeinated before recording

17.) I have written more love songs now than breakup songs thanks to the inspiring nature of me and my husband Brett's relationship ;)

18.) I like to "wing it" when I pick set lists for shows

19.) I have never been signed to a record label

20.) I will never stop writing music. I will still be plucking away at the guitar well into my 80's ...arthritis permitting :)

Music and Motherhood

2011-12-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything in ages! It's crazy how life can kind of blow right past you...

My life has been full of wonderful things lately. LOTS of music opportunities like recording with Rick May- which has been incredibly fun and exciting to hear the songs take new shape, writing and collaborating with friends like Jason Turner and Amber Pflug, leading worship at my home church Vineyard Columbus in the youth ministry and other cool ministries, and I just started a new adventure of signing with a company that helps connect your music to key people in the music industry who can get your songs into TV, Film, and radio... Yikes!

I also got the awesome opportunity to sing 2 songs with my friend Amber Pflug for a Holiday Video Special that is going to be used for Glenn Beck's Web Channel! My video friend Nick Jones invited me to do it, and was thrilled and honored to do it! Plus I think it turned out pretty amazing. We had a blast sharing jokes, laughing and enjoying singing some Christmas tunes!

The Scarf Song- Original Song By Heather Evans, Back up vocals by Amber Pflug

Jingle Bells- Cover By Heather Evans, Back up vocals by Amber Pflug

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In other news... my son Trust is growing SO fast! He's in the 98th percentile for Height and 94th for weight. I can't believe he's a year and a half already!! Christmas is going to ROCK this year. We got him a mini acoustic guitar for Christmas this year and I KNOW he is going to FLIP about it! We have "Guitar Time" everyday and he knows how to strum my guitar gently with a pick as I switch chords for him. He thinks it's the coolest thing ever. I also have about 3 cheerios, and 4 or 5 picks trapped in the body of my guitar because I let him play with my guitar... and I LOVE IT. Now every time I play, I'm reminded of the funny, cute kid in my life. :) What a wonderful life I have...

Results

2011-07-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have wrestled with whether or not I should post the results from all of my testing on my blog or not, but I decided to go for it since so many people keep asking me about everything. I have been pretty honest with where I am at with my health issues, so why stop now! haha! Plus, I am AMAZED at how many people have come to me and told me that they are going through something similar or how because I posted something, it helped them. That's what it is about ya know? We're in this together!

After 2 weeks (or more) of waiting, and me calling the office a couple of times to hear the results from the CT Scan that was done on my abdomen, my doctor finally called me yesterday. He said my CT Scan showed some pelvic changes (I have no clue what that means), Uterine fibroids, and no other acute changes. My blood work also came back as "unremarkable". He said the next step would be to check out my Colon with a colonoscopy since nothing was really found through the CT Scan or blood work. He asked how my symptoms have been and I told him that I've still had horrible cramping and diarrhea after eating and he asked about my weight-loss and I told him I've lost 3 lbs since we last met. He said I probably have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and prescribed me a medicine to take before eating to see if it helps with the diarrhea. I also asked about food allergies and he said it is rare for adults to have food allergies, they usually just have food sensitivities and to keep a diary of the foods I eat and what seems to bug me. (I've done this, I"m already on a VERY bland diet. Chicken, rice and cooked veggies.)

After talking to him I felt frustrated. I felt like he was saying, "welp, doesn't look like there is much else I can do, so here's some medicine to get you through."

It feels similar to what happened to me at the end of my pregnancy too. The extreme swelling, high blood pressure, the heart palpitations, and faintness was pushed off as "just pregnancy aches and pains" when really it was undiagnosed pre-ecclampsia that lead to the Congestive Heart Failure I had postpartum.

It's been MONTHS that I've been struggling with all of these issues: nausea, pain, horrible cramping, diarrhea, gas, bloating, weight loss of 15lbs +. Yet I feel like there is no end in sight. I just cry because no one understands, no one will listen, no one will help me! If you are reading this and you have a doctor that has helped you through something similar, PLEASE give me their info. I've lost a lot of hope in doctors, but I'm willing to keep trying and pushing through this!!

I also need lots of encouragement. I am stuck at home a lot since I sometimes have to run to the restroom quickly... It gets lonely, hard to take care of Trust and it gets frustrating. I just want to be normal...

2011-06-28T17:37:00.001-07:00

As I sat nervously with my dad and Trust in the small exam room of the Gastro doc, my anxiety began to mount. The nurse pract. asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms and the doctor came in shortly after. We talked for a while (he is really nice) and I've lost 8 lbs since the last time I saw him a month or so ago, and he suggested we do some more testing to figure out what was going on.

When he mentioned the tests I'd need to get done, my heart dropped to my feet. Colonoscopy, Barium swallow esophagus scan, CAT Scan on my abdomen. CAT Scans are no big deal, but for some reason a colonoscopy at 24 just really bugs me!! We got them scheduled for THIS Thursday and Friday and the Colonoscopy will be later is the findings aren't clear. So soon..I felt the doctors urgency because of all the weight I've lost. I felt panicky in the parking lot and told my dad I didn't want to do it and spouted off a bit. He calmed me down and told me to look at it as a good thing, that we'd know what was going on after all that is done.

On the drive home I listened to a song called Blessings, and it made me cry. Through tears I told God "help me to trust you!" I'm pretty honest with Jesus about stuff, and these past couple months have really grown my relationship with Him. I used to be kind of conditional with Him, like if things are going good then we are good, but now I am learning to lean on Him and draw strength from him even in the hard times.

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Thursday I got the Barium swallow test done and it wasn't too bad. I stood in front of an XRAY machine and drank barium and they watched it go down my esophagus. It was wild! The good thing is there are no blockages in my esophagus, but they could see some significant acid reflux coming back up (that's even on reflux meds!).

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Today I came to get the CAT SCAN done drank half the crystal lite dye concoction, and they took me out in the hallway for a second and told me that they possibly can't do the CAT SCAN today if the Barium from yesterday's test is still in my intestines. They took an XRAY and sure enough the Barium was bright as day on the XRAY and I will have to come back next week. I am bummed for many reasons. The planning of finding someone to watch T, Drinking the dye again, and having to go through this all over again.

The last time I had a CAT SCAN was in the ER after having Trust. It was around the same time, and they found out I had congestive heart failure and it was a really scary time for me. So CAT SCANS are not a fun thing to do, and bring up a lot of crazy emotions. Sounds, smells, memories.. It all triggers thoughts of where I was a year ago, unsure if I would be ok and if I'd be around for my newborn son and husband. I still have similar fears, but I got through it the first time, and I can do it again, right?

Needless to say, we have to reschedule the CAT SCAN for next week. We waited two hours, I drank that stupid dye, and we have to do it all over again! Me and Brett screamed in the car out of frustration. And now we are left waiting again... As if my problems could wait. I keep losing weight and I'm scared... Yet leaning on Jesus for hope and strength.

2011-06-28T08:31:00.001-07:00

These past couple of months have been some of the hardest most confusing and frustrating that I've seen in a while. My faith and trust have been pushed to the max, and my health is teeter tottering. I've dropped 3 sizes in 2 months & not able to keep my weight up.

I've always had tummy issues growing up. Lots of nausea, acid reflux and vomiting issues, but a couple of months ago it got pretty serious. Every time I would eat I'd find myself doubled over in pain, and sitting on the toilet & vomiting at the same time, praying for Jesus to help me. My poor son Trust would crawl in the bathroom with me watching this crazy scene wide eyed & wondering why I couldn't pick him up. Pretty hard stuff..

I finally got my diet under control a bit and found out I may have some food sensitivities. All I can eat right now is Chicken, rice and veggies or else I am in bad shape.

I also got an Endoscopy done on my stomach and small intestines and it came back with some interesting findings. Grade 3 Esophagitis from acid reflux damage (there are only 4 grades) and atrophy of the 2nd part of the duodenum and all the villi in the duodenum are completely smooth. They tested it for celiac disease, but no celiac! Phew!

They prescribed me Prevacid and called it a day, but shortly after I started getting CRAZY amounts of bruises on my legs. People started asking me where I'd gotten all the bruises and I honestly couldn't tell them! I had 30 bruises at one time & called my Gastro doc & said that ever since I started Prevacid, I'd been getting lots of unexplained bruising. I got blood work done (still haven't heard the results) and have an appointment with my doc today, so I'm interested to see what they can do to help me.

I feel like I am wasting away. No energy, Crazy weight loss, horrible tummy pains, diarrhea, etc.. I need some major prayer/encouragement in this crazy time! I really need some Jesus intervention!!!!

Love is a Tree

2011-01-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have a deep longing for Spring. Winter casts such a gloom on my heart, I look forward every year for the hope of Spring.

Love is a Tree”
-This is a Poem/Story/Analogy about my marriage with Brett and our relationship with Jesus. Branches:Me, Trunk:Brett, Sun:God, Roots:Our Faith
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“Love is a Tree”
I am fragile, branches waving to and fro in the harsh spring breeze. My arms once naked from winter have begun to flower again. I’m reaching desperately for the sunlight, never swayed from my goal. Reaching always up and out, sprawling my wooden fingers toward the sun, yet in my gaping, it always seems just out of grasp. I often give to despair, but you, my love, keep me sturdy.

You are my strength, holding me firmly to the ground. You are the trunk to my waving frivolity, to my tireless reaching. You keep me focused and still.

The wind has tried so hard to rip us apart, always tearing at my limbs… But you calmly remind me, “Fear not my dear, we have roots”. Though wind or storm may come we will not be uprooted. A lifetime of roots keep us firm, holding us fixed together…Giving us nutrients even in the starkest of winters, when all hope and color drain from our branches, we know we will not waiver. Our faith remains strong and deep. So we wait.

We wait patiently for the gust of spring to pull us out of the melancholy of winter. We wait for new life, a new chance to soak in the sun, and grow ever toward it.

We are one and we could not survive without each other.

Love is a Tree.

Wisdom teeth

2011-01-19T06:50:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning was my wisdom teeth surgery. I was very nervous about it since my husband told me all of his horror stories from his surgery, and I saw 1st hand how bad my sister's recovery from her surgery was.

Diana and Anthony Tambini stayed with Trust (since Anthony home schools it was easier for them to help) and my dad took me to the surgery. They were SO amazing at taking care of Trust and me!! I am really thankful that I have some pretty amazing people in my life!

They got me into the room very quickly, and I chatted with the nurses about the amazing story of my son Trust. They all awwed at the story and I told the nurse I was a bit nervous, and she said "another situation you'll just have to "trust" everything will be ok again" I smiled and said "you are right! It's going to be ok" The doctor was talking to me and said "I'm giving you the medicine now.." And everything got quiet, and I was out.

Next thing I remember, I was in the recovery room talking to the nurse. There was a little bit of pain, but my mouth was still completely numb, so we were just chatting it up. I'm sure I sounded pretty drugged up, but she was very sweet!

I got home and felt pretty sleepy. The doc told me to take the pain meds right when I got home so that when the numbing wore off, the pain meds would be in my system. I took the meds, ate some applesauce and a few bites of stouffer's mac 'n cheese, then went to my bed upstairs. The numbness was wearing off at that point. I had icepacks on my cheeks as I laid there in bed and felt miserable. I felt really restless, short of breath, anxious like my heart was jumping out of my chest, in LOTS of pain, and on top of everything, I was getting a migraine and started feeling quite nauseated. All I could do was lay there. I couldn't sleep, noises and light were making my migraine and nausea worse. I couldn't eat or drink or take my pain meds without vomiting I had a feeling I was having a reaction to the pain meds. I really thought I was going to have to go to the ER. Last time I had a reaction like that was when I was on the Medicine Pump when I was pregnant, and later that night I had Brett call my doctor instead of going to the hospital. The doc asked if we had any nausea meds, and I remembered we had some leftover suppositories from when I was pregnant. He asked how many we had and laughed when Brett told him we had 18! He told us to concentrate of the nausea so that I could take meds for pain and instructed me to just take IB Prophen, not the prescription.

The nausea meds helped immediately and it made me very sleepy, and was out for the night.

I woke up this morning, and felt pretty good! I mean "good" meaning good after the crazy ordeal that I had yesterday. My mouth and jaw are very swollen, my jaw doesn't open any wider than a spoon going into it, and the pain is pretty killer, BUT my headache and the nausea is gone and no more shortness of breath, anxiety or restlessness!

Success! I made it through and feel happy that this is the 1st and last time I will have to do this!

A Story of Trust

2011-01-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

I have always had a love of writing. SInce I was in 3rd Grade, my teachers have always encouraged me to be in writing contests and other writing related groups. I often write songs, blogs and keep a journal. That being said, I have been thinking, healing, and praying about the story of Lily and Trust... I've known from the beginning God is using what I've been through for His glory and I've been thinking... How could I better use their story's to help others heal in their own lives? I remember when I went through my miscarriage, there were very few resources that I could find to help me walk through the healing of losing a child. I clung tight to a blog of a woman who lost her baby and felt encouraged by her walk with Jesus through the pain.

I have kept blogs, personal journals and have written songs and poetry through my whole experience. My hope is that in this season, I can compile a resource for hurting mom's who have lost their children. I'm not sure what this is going to look like, whether it is going to be a book or website or devotional, but I just know it is something I need to do!

I think I am also going to write and record a CD to go along with it as well to help with the process of grief and healing. I know music helped me a lot in that time...

I am a dreamer. I can't help it! Pray for me as I process through all of this. And mom's if you have a testimony you would like to share from your own life, please e-mail me at: Heatherevansmusic@yahoo.com One thing I know for sure, God works EVERYTHING out for the good, even our tragedy...

Stay at home Mom

2010-12-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel weird when I tell people I am a stay at home mom.

I know there are others that feel the same way as me... You know the stigma...

When I am having conversations with (some) people and they ask me what I "Do" and I tell them I am a stay at home mom to Trust, and they are kind of like "Oh..." and feel weird, searching desperately to change the subject. It feels uncomfortable sometimes, and I feel the need to tell the person "Oh, uh, I also do music and have this accomplishment and that accomplishment and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..."

Why do I/we think being a mom isn't a worthy/good enough calling on its own? Why is DOING something in the world more important that BEING in our kids lives? I am not speaking for every mom out there, only from my own feelings (aka insecurities! ha!) just to be clear...

We feel embarrassed and think being a mom is not very important, but let me tell you it is THE MOST IMPORTANT calling you can have to be a parent! Not only are you a caregiver, making sure every need of your child's is met but we have the influence in our kids life to help them succeed/grow/help them dream/we support them/teach them healthy relationships/encourage them/love them no matter what etc or if you don't take this role to heart you can crush them/take away their dreams/discourage them/hurt them deeply/make them feel ignored/make them feel less than. Our identity in God is first learned from our parents, how we relate with others is learned from our parents, how we feel loved is learned from our parents... See? This is a very important role!

I absolutely LOVE being a mom to Trust Emmanuel Evans! He is worth more than any accomplishment I could ever do. He is my greatest accomplishment in fact!

Spontaneous Outburst of Words

2010-12-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

I never know what I am going to write when I write a blog. Most of the time it is just a spontaneous outburst of words, but I kind of like that.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Haiti. The Cholera outbreak has really put a crazy kink in an already BAD situation... I've been keeping up with updates of one of the Missionary Teams down there with our Church, Vineyard Columbus and every time I read the updates, I cry. I am moved to pray for them but also DO something for them. I am going to be planning some Benefit Shows for Haiti in the Early Spring, hoping to rally the good people of Columbus together to offer a hand of support to the people who are working tirelessly in Haiti. I know I can't go there personally, but it is cool to know I can empower someone to go in my stead. It's strange... even before all of the Earthquake stuff happened my heart has been heavy for Haiti. Almost like God was preparing me for what was going to happen and giving me a heart for the people of Haiti.

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I had a dream the other night that I was in an old school Church building (with a steeple and 1 room that was the sanctuary) and outside there were 9 swirling, creepy, skinny tornadoes forming. I realized while in the dream that the 9 tornadoes signified 9 different difficulties or things that are swirling around in my life trying to destroy me. I stayed in the church with the feeling I was safe there and the tornadoes wouldn't come near it.

The dream is pretty right on with things happening in my life. There are PLENTY of crazy situations that Satan is trying to throw at us to try to destroy us (and a couple almost got to us) but one thing I know for sure. There is Safety and rest in my God! He is stronger and victorious every time! I know that the ONLY thing getting me through this difficult season of life is my faith and trust in God. There have been times that I've tried to do things on my own or rely on my own strengths and I realize things fall apart pretty quickly when I do that. I mean it is a DAILY struggle. A daily choice to choose to trust God. But it is soooo good when you do it!

I've been listening to Rich Nathan's sermons about every other morning just to kind of get me off on the right track. Ever since I started that, my anxiety has decreased loads. Interesting isn't it? When I fix my eyes on Jesus all I see is Jesus all day, but when I fix my eyes on every hard thing swirling about me, every hard thing is all I see all day.

Confrontation has been a weak point of mine all of my life. (I mean who really likes dealing with conflict?) But I am seeing God is really trying to grow this in me in this season. It's interesting to see the hand of God shaping me.. It isn't always comfortable, but I know it is good.

SO much to be GLAD about. A Pollyanna Reference

2010-12-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

If you have never seen the movie Pollyanna I HIGHLY recommend it to you! It is a Disney Classic that I've loved since I was a kid, and just got it on DVD for Christmas.

The Movie is about an Orphan Pollyanna, who goes to live with her crabby Aunt Polly after her missionary parents die. Despite her situation, she is "Glad". Whenever a bad situation arises she plays the "Glad Game", trying to find something in the negative circumstance to be glad about. She slowly impacts the whole town with her positive attitude and it got me thinking...

I have SO much to be Glad about, and yet sometimes I choose to look at the negative more than the positive. I really want to combat that negative thinking by adopting the "Glad Game" in my own life.

Here are a few things I am Glad about:

I AM GLAD WE HAD A FAMILY CHRISTMAS WITH MY PARENTS, SISTER, BRO-IN-LAW AND NIECE: We had SUCH a good time and stayed the weekend at my folks house to spend time with Amy, Jesse and Chloe. It was amazing getting to all be together this Christmas!

I AM GLAD TRUST IS SITTING UP AT 5 MONTHS: He's getting really good at it!

I AM GLAD WE TOOK FAMILY PHOTOS FOR CHRISTMAS: We made Family Christmas Cards with these pics and just sent them all out in the mail. (This is a miracle since I am usually bad about this kind of stuff..)

I AM GLAD I PLAYED A BENEFIT HOUSE SHOW FOR HAITI: We raised over $2,400 that night! It was pretty magical.

I AM GLAD I AM RECORDING "BETH SAFE TONIGHT" WITH RICK MAY FOR THE LOVE146 COMPILATION CD: I am recording final vocals for the song on Wednesday and I am pretty stoked about it.

I AM GLAD I RECORDED CHRISTMAS SONGS WITH MY COUSINS MELODY AND MICHELLE: I have LITERALLY never laughed so hard in my life! I had the greatest time just hanging out with my cousin's and singing Christmas Tunes with them! They are AMAZING singers too!

I AM GLAD TO HAVE AN AMAZING HUSBAND WHO IS GETTING ORDAINED AS PASTOR IN JANUARY: He has worked SO hard these past couple years in the youth group and I am so proud of him for getting the honor of becoming Pastor!

I AM GLAD WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME TO LIVE IN: Brett's Dad let us live in his 4 bedroom house while he is living in Florida! Amazing blessing in a very financially straining time.

I AM GLAD TRUST WAS DEDICATED TO THE LORD: Our friends and family got to witness Trust's dedication at Church and it was such a beautiful day!

I AM GLAD TO HAVE A GOD WHO REALLY CARES: No matter the situation I am amazed at how Jesus has come through for us and helped us!

Ugh, Anxiety!

2010-12-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Ugh, Anxiety sucks! I honestly can't remember a time where I have felt so anxious. Unfortunately, I can't disclose why, but I just had to write something.

For those of you who haven't suffered from anxiety, this is what it feels like:

-A giant ogre decided a good place to sit is on your chest, making it hard for you to breathe.

-Your mind is racing so fast it feels like the 12 hours of sleep you got the night before were more like 2 hours.

-Household chores look more like mountains to climb.

-Your heart decides instead of beating like a normal heart, it wants to be in a rock band.

-Your headache is playing the bass in your heart's rock band.

-Prayers turn into desperate pleas for help.

Don't worry, I am working through this stuff! I met with my counselor yesterday about it.. It is in this case, going to be a process.

I know all the verses in the Bible that talk about Anxiety and "casting your cares on Him", but for me right now it is hard to read it and apply it. Especially when you are right IN the fire. Fire doesn't feel good, it burns.. But I am looking forward to the refinement and the growth just through the fire. It's time to grow up and deal with things head on, not avoiding issues and walking on eggshells to ensure my hearts safety, because in the end I am just lying to myself that the problem isn't really there.

Christmas is my favorite time of year (usually), but this year I am not into it. Holiday stress has left me feeling empty. This is NOT what Christmas and the Holidays are supposed to be about! I feel the injustice rising up in me and I want to scream and shout in indignation,"I WANT MY CHRISTMAS BACK!!" It will be a process, but hopefully we can do it. All the little compromises we make just to "make everyone happy" even though no matter what we do someone isn't happy... We are stretched in so many directions left flabbergasted the day after any major holiday in a state of depression and a holiday hangover. Why do we put ourselves through this every year? This behavior is SUPER unhealthy, and we MUST find a middle ground somewhere. I'm not trying to sound mean or rude toward our family and friends, it is not their fault, it is ours. We have stretched ourselves too thin and we are tired. We are still new at all this... We will have many more try's to get it right thank the Lord.

If you feel the same way during the holidays, give me an AMEN.

Session 3- a precious moment

2010-11-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Session 3 with Teresa was amazing. I basically just shared with her my week of processing and cried a TON.

One of the moments will forever stick out to me. Teresa stopped what we were talking about and said, "Heather, about 15 minutes ago I felt like God wanted me to tell you that He wanted to give you a picture of what Lily (my daughter we lost in a miscarriage) looks like NOW and I know he is going to give it to you. Let's pray." I got goose bumps INSTANTLY! I knew He was going to give it to me too.. Because for some reason before then, I could never picture her face. She was always just out of view in my head, and I LONGED to be able to see what she looked like.

As I closed my eyes to pray, I literally saw her face almost immediately. Blond flowing hair, bright blue piercing eyes, chubby cheeks and a big grin on her face. I cried aching tears. Teresa asked me what she looked like and through rolling tears I told her. She asked what she was doing and I told her, still sobbing, "I was behind her, and she was holding hands with Jesus walking. She turned around and locked eyes with me smiling and waving at me. She looked so happy..." I was amazed. What a precious moment! I will never forget it..

After talking with her about my feelings of not getting to burry her and feeling like it is less real because of that, I think I want to either get a bench at a park in honor of her or a small grave stone. Just a place I can visit and think.. Something to finalize everything.

My mom told me something that also made me cry. She said that after her Grandma died it was really hard for her, and she just wanted to talk to her. She realized that she couldn't talk to her personally, but if she prayed to Jesus, He could tell her Grandma whatever she told him. I thought that was cool and we both cried thinking about it..

I also shared with Teresa that the way I process through grief, hurt and heal is through song writing. I wrote 1 song 2 days after I miscarried. I shared the words with her and shared some other words from other songs I've written. She asked me if I had ever thought about making a CD about Grief and Healing, and I told her when I was going through everything I actually thought about it. She said that a lot of her clients would be interested in it, and that processing with music is really helpful to the soul. I told her that was definitely true in my situation and that I do eventually want to record all the songs I wrote in that time. It will have to be God's timing for sure, and I will continue to pray for provision as I start to make it! He always provides a way!

Healing is exhausting... The wound I covered is exposed again, but I am resting in the hope that Jesus, the GREAT healer, will tend to my wounds with great tenderness. He has been so sweet to me in this time.

Last weeks processing

2010-11-09T07:56:00.000-08:00

So this past week was NUTS! I find when I am really busy like I was this past week, it gives me less time to think, then when everything calms down, I am left with a FLOOD of thoughts. There were some sweet moments though that kind of caught me by surprise.

Here's one.. I was at the International Justice Mission Gala and performed, and this really nice man and woman asked if I had a CD. We talked for a while about my music and they encouraged me LOADS. We split ways, then later the man came up to me again after reading the inside of my CD where I had written about Lily, our daughter we lost, and he said with the most sincere look on his face, "I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, that must have been really difficult.." I just smiled and said "thank you so much... I really appreciate that. You know, it was a really hard time, but it really helped me appreciate all that I have now, and I know I will see her again and that gives me great hope as a mom."

That moment caught me by surprise. I felt the strange emotion of feeling proud that I have another child.. That I am a mother of TWO, not just one. God keeps re-affirming that for me in small ways and it is really healing. Because I often feel sad that I didn't get to burry my daughter.. Just because I had a miscarriage, does that make her any less real? No, not to me. She is as real to me as Trust. It is hard ya know?

I remember right after I had miscarried I was at church on Mother's Day, a pretty rough day for me at the time, and Rich asked if all the Mother's in the audience would stand. I remember standing proudly and crying my eyes out. I'm sure the people around me were wondering why I was crying so hard, but I didn't care. I was a mom, and I was proud. :)

My cousin Melody wrote this really amazing song for her baby she lost that I often listen to to help me cope. The words are really powerful, and the last verse is the most moving for me, it goes like this:

"You are gone now, I've grieved

It's time to move on

Though your spirit's still with me

Never could decide on a name, For you

none was good enough

for someone so beautiful and true

I tried so hard,

to be the best for you

I'm sorry that it failed,

I wish there was something I could do

I wonder what you would have looked like

or who you would of been

would you have had my eyes

my blue eyes

I cried so hard

I tried to make it through

I'm sorry that it failed

I wish there was something I could do

I will see you one of these days

and I will hold you so tight

like I cannot now

It gets so hard I get sad"

Healing is a Process

2010-11-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

These past couple weeks have been a crazy mix of emotions and new things! This blog may be all over the place so stay with me! :)

I decided it was time to take charge taking care of myself for a change, and decided to go to counseling at the Vineyard to help me work through some of the HUGE emotions of these last couple years. As I was talking with Teresa Smith, the most genuine, sweet lady I know, I realized, DANG! I have been through A LOT these past couple of years! From infertility, to miscarriage, to a pregnancy filled with complications and trials, to a labor/deliver/recovery from hell... then having a very fussy baby on top of all of that, it has been really hard to deal with all of my emotions for obvious reasons.

All that being said, I am finally seeing seeing the light in the darkness I have been stumbling through. And I can honestly say these past couple years have been the darkest times of my life. I feel stripped, vulnerable, beaten down and disconnected. The trauma of the miscarriage + being so close to death during pregnancy + trauma of a horrific delivery + almost dying from untreated heart failure and pre ecclampsia is a lot to deal with ya know? But as I meet with Teresa, I know there is hope! She prays with me before I leave, and I love it. I have never felt so vulnerable, but then so built up at the same time. It is so healing just to speak out everything that happened and how I am feeling. I know it is going to be a long road, but I am all in, ready to be transformed! I want to be so open in this time... open to Jesus and all that He has for me.

Through all the darkness I am amazed in every horrific moment to find traces of light... I can't even tell you how many moments Jesus has showed up in all of this tragedy! I am so certain of the fact that He was there with me through it all. The verse that says something like "You intended to harm me, but God used it for good" really speaks true in my life. I KNOW Satan is trying everything to try to keep me from doing the things God called me to do. I have felt so strong at so many moments that the Enemy was attacking me, but I kept my faith. I haven't questioned ONCE God's character! I know He NEVER wanted any of these things to happen to me, but since we live in a broken world, crap happens, and the Enemy is cunning. I know now that God can REDEEM all of these things and raise me up out of the pit.

I am ever aware that healing is a process, and I may not feel better right away, but I am excited and ready to deal with these things head on! Here we go.....

ASK and you shall recieve

2010-10-01T07:00:00.001-07:00

If you've been reading my blog you will know that lately I've been feeling a little down because I haven't had much to look forward to. Well this week a lot has changed! I am going to be a busy bee these next couple of weeks doing things I LOVE to do! Here are a few things going on right now...

Last night I played a show to fight Human Trafficking and it felt so GOOD!

I've gotten TONS of e-mails this week asking me to play at different events.

-2 Human Trafficking Benefits

-3 Worship opportunities at different churches around Ohio

-A chance to speak at FUSION High School Youth Group at Vineyard

-Invitation to a Bible Study on Wednesdays

I am VERY excited about the upcoming things in my life! God is really teaching me a LOT in this season of life. I am loving every minute with my son, and I get to keep doing music! Pretty fantastic. I think it is very important to keep doing the things you love or else you can get bitter about your life. So I will keep writing, keep recording, keep playing shows, keep doing what my passions are!

Just another challenge

2010-09-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

So yesterday and today have been a little rough. Nothing super hard has happened, just feel sad and a little lonely.

Trust has been sick with a cold for the past two weeks and I took him back to the doctor on Thursday for his 3 month check up, and sure enough he has an ear infection. POOR BABY and poor mommy! I haven't slept much these past couple nights because little buddy hasn't been sleeping well. He's been waking up every 2 to 3 hours coughing or because he can't breathe. Now that I am typing all of that out, NO WONDER I am feeling so beat up! Lack of sleep my friends is not a friend of mine.

Because of all of this the house is a MESS, I am in sweats and am not wearing makeup (which I like to wear a little because I look like one of those celebrities on the US WEEKLY magazines who get caught by the paparazzi without makeup on and you're like WOAH is that what she really looks like?), I haven't gone anywhere or seen anyone, I've been watching TV series like Fringe just to pass the time, etc. It's also been hard because Brett has been super busy with work too so I've only seen him 3 days this week for a couple hours at night.

I think I've also sort of "blanked out" with my spiritual life these past couple days too. Does that ever happen to you? You just sort of get on survival mode ya know? I am taking this as just another challenge. That when all of this passes and I can get myself and Trust together we'll be better for it! He is sooooooo precious you guys! Even when he is sick he still smiles and coos it is wonderful!

GOTTA GO! T just woke up!

A wonderful evening with my husband

2010-09-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was amazing!

Brett had the day off and we just sort of relaxed/hung around the whole day. I spent some time writing a song while Trust napped and I am absolutely in love with it. I literally can't get it out of my head. It is all about walking with Jesus. The reason why I love it so much is because everytime I sing it, it makes me want to cry because I think about being with Jesus and the craziness of my life seems to still for just a moment. It goes like this:

"Walking side by side,
underneath the apple trees,
in your orchard I find rest,
for my soul

Take me by your hand,
Lead me by your still waters,
Lead me on

Walking hand in hand,
gazing at the galaxies,
in your presence I feel that,
I am home"

Later that day my mom randomly called and asked if she could babysit Trust so we could go on a date. Of course I said, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! We would LOVE that!" So we talked all day about what we would do and where we would go. We knew we wanted to go to a park (it was BEAUTIFUL yesterday!) and grab some food but we weren't sure where and wanted to be spontaneous.

SO we headed out for our date and we decided to eat at our friends family resturaunt called the Pomegrante. If you have never been there, it is FANTASTIC. Our friends dad stopped by our table to say hi and gave us our dinner for FREE! SCORE. A good start to a great evening.

After dinner we decided to go to Innis Woods, our favorite park. We talked about all sorts of things. Deep life things, our hopes, fears, and concerns and also some fun things too. We haven't talked like that in a while, and it was really refreshing. I am SUCH a quality time/quality converstation person. If I don't have a deep meaningful conversation for a while I get cranky. We also talked about memories of things we used to do when we were dating and how we LOVED taking walks and going to parks when we were dating and that we should go to parks more often.

We walked the trails and explored, ate the herbs in the herb garden (don't tell) and talked/brainstormed together about this idea for a story I got from a dream I had. The premise is that hidden in our world are secret doors. The doors are usually ordinary things like old radios or an old bench you happen to sit on. The Doors lead to different parts of the world or secret worlds within this world. In every door is a Key Keeper. They are usually animals that were once humans and they carry the key to get back to the place you were just at. Some doors are faulty though, they can kill you if you aren't careful. The main characters are Me, Brett, The Helper who guides us on our journey, Trust and the Evil Keeper. Trust gets stolen by the Evil Keeper and me and Brett with the help of The Helper, have to rescue him! I seriously can't wait to start writing it! We came up with some really neat ideas. A lot of our inspiration came from things we saw at the park, so that was kind of neat.

After the park, we went home and watched the new show THE EVENT on NBC. I think I like it! I can't wait to see next weeks episode. I am all about conspiracy theories and stuff so it should be an interesting show!

Also, Tonight we are going to see The Legend of The Guardians for FREE thanks to our friend Marco! I've been wanting to see this movie so bad, so I am super excited! I LOVE OWLS!

Since the last blog...

2010-09-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

Since the last blog I wrote about making time for inspiration, I tried it and it worked!!

I wrote a cheesy love song. It goes like this:

"Walking these streets I see people passin'

Wonder if they've been askin'

Who they're supposed to be

Wandering like me

Then i see your face

and I stop breathing

You're locking eyes with me

I'm not dreaming,

I'm seeing,

Clear for the first time, clear for the first time

Everything's clear when I look

into your eyes

I can see the light

and everything's clear for the first time,

I can see clear for the very first time"

Like I said kinda cheesy, but hey! I like it! I have to be honest, I am a fan of a bit of cheese. I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I still long to be wooed even now that I am married! I think it is at the heart of every woman to be desired and loved and cherished. It's easy to forget about or neglect romance once you have a baby, so it is VERY important to do things that remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. Revisit old places you once loved, talk about things you used to do, BUT ALSO make NEW memories and romantic moments! Go on picnics, adventures, play, laugh, enjoy each other. Life is SO quick to steal away joy and love. You really have to work at staying IN love ya know? ANYWAYS! Rabbit trail!

I also had a moment of spontaneous inspiration when I was trying to put a very fussy baby bed last night. He wouldn't calm down, and I couldn't think of a song to sing (he LOVES singing!) so I made up my own little lullaby, and it worked! Just another song to add the my developing lullaby album. It goes like this:

"Momma's here, Momma's here

Don't you fear, Don't you fear x2

I'll keep you safe and warm my dear

'Cause Momma's here for you x2"

It looks repetitive and silly, but the melody it makes it a lot cooler I promise!!

I may not have gotten to the dishes or finished all of the laundry, but it made me feel good to do something fun. :)

Making time for inspiration

2010-09-18T14:04:00.001-07:00

So this motherhood stuff is pretty tricky! I am finding I have little time to do anything other than the necessary.

By the time I take a shower and put myself together a bit, Trust is up from his morning nap. By the time I clean his bottles, do the laundry, take out the dirty diapers, make myself a meager lunch, Trust is up from his early afternoon nap. By the time I unload the dishwasher, make a bit of dinner Trust is up from his late afternoon/evening nap and Brett is home from work, then after a bit of time together, I am turned in for the night at 8.

Now I realize I am LUCKY. My kid loves his naps, meaning I am able to get a lot of important things accomplished and he is super happy and fun these days! The only problem is, I am having trouble making time for inspiration, for me. I am afraid that if I put off the dishes, laundry, etc.. chaos will ensue. I am not a clean freak by any means, but I don't like getting behind because then it piles up, and I get overwhelmed and I don't know where to start.

I have so many creative things I keep pushing to the corners of my mind! I have this short story idea that I got from a dream I had, songs ideas, painting projects, and loads of pics I want to print and hang.. People I want to meet with, places I want to go like parks, festivals, concerts, coffee shops, parties..

Sometimes I think I stick to the mundane because I am scared. I mean it is safe isn't it to just stay at home, stick to the schedule. I know what will happen, things are predictable. But when I go out or try something new right now, I just never know what will happen! I realize it will be like that for a while cause Trust is still young. Maybe the unpredictable is a good thing. I keep looking at the unpredictable as a bad thing and I need to flip my thinking a bit! Be more "by the seat of my pants" kind of girl like I used to be pre-baby!

I don't want to lose myself just because I have a baby. I want to be a more enhanced version of myself because I have a baby. My son Trust is absolutely wonderful. He brings out the best in me for sure! I could literally just stare at him all day and watch all of his different expressions and be happy. I just have to remind myself to do things for me too and it is okay!

In the coming weeks I want to try to be more spontaneous. Leave time for inspiration. Forget about the dishes, laundry and cleaning for 2 seconds and just let myself be creative, be me.

Life with Trust- a learning process

2010-09-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

My son Trust is amazing.

That could be all I write and it would sum this whole blog up!

I literally look forward to seeing his chubby face every feeding, even though I am tired and exhausted, it is so worth it. I think the reason I appreciate him so much (fussy times and all) is because he and I were so close to not being here. I realize more than ever the GIFT he is.. That he is only mine because God gave him to me. I am learning SO much in this time! Allow me to ellaborate..

It hasn't been the easiest transition for me.. I mean I am human. Lack of sleep, sheer exhaustion, and fluctuating emotions constantly make me frustrated, sad feeling, overwhelmed etc.. I've apologized to Brett 3 times already this week for snapping at him. But I am realizing, it's ok. It is all part of this crazy journey I'm on of motherhood. It has actually been really good for me, humbling even. I mean before it was a little hard for me to say sorry or admit I was wrong, but now I am making more of an effort to say sorry if I've said something cutting.

I'm even learning about self sacrifice in a whole new way. Before Trust I would wake up at my leisure, pressing the snooze button 3 or 4 times before hopping into the shower.. But now right when the alarm (my crying baby) goes off and I jump up out of bed to give him his bottle and change his diaper. There is no option of snooze! When a baby is hungry you HAVE to feed them, obviously. Showers and meals are scarce. Coffee is essential. Starting your day off with a positive attitude and with Jesus by your side is the MOST important thing, or you won't make it.

Now that I am a stay at home mom, I look up to my mom and other moms staying home with their kids.. It is SO hard, but so worth it.

Yesterday was so full of surprises and "God Moments"..

I went to the church for Pastor's Prayer with Brett and got some AWESOME prayer. Craig & Linda Hesselton, Andy Saperstein, and Kelli Messik prayed for me. Craig got a word for me that was really applicable to how I've been feeling. He said that my emotions were like crushed ice and that I had been crushed by everything that happened to me through Pregnancy on and that God wanted to equalize my emotions again and give me back joy. It was like a weight was lifted when he prayed that! It had been a while since I'd felt happy/joyful like before pregnancy and I can honestly say yesterday I felt really happy/joyful and full of God. I could feel Him speaking to me about things again.

Linda got a picture of my life being like a garden. My life was Raked up (pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery), seeds were planted in that time, and God is going to produce fruit from everything. I've always felt that! From the beginning I knew Trust's story would help others and that God was going to work everything together for good! All day yesterday and today I've been trying to compile my thoughts on how to speak about my situation to people to give them hope. I am even speaking at the High School in the coming months and it is perfect timing! I know God is going to give me more opportunities like this.

Kelli prayed that I would be given songs of love for God and of hope for others. I KNOW this will come to be because my heart is always filled with songs. :)

I've also been thinking ALOT of the phrase from Chronicles of Narnia "Aslan is on the Move". Aslan is the Great Lion, King of Narnia who is supposed to be representative of Jesus. I just keep thinking in all of that crazy situations in my life and other people's life right now that God is on the Move. He is working. He is turning the ugly, cold winter into beautiful, warm spring! He makes all things new. He makes all of the horrible circumstances I went through something good and beautiful.

One last thing about yesterday. Brett went to a guys night at Larry Miller's house last night and he came home after I had already went to sleep. When I woke up for Trust's 2am feeding, there was a beautiful box and a card on top of it in the bathroom. I read the card, and almost burst with amazement. It said this:

"Heather, This is totally random, but you were on my mind tonight & I wanted to give you a care package (for the new mommy).

I feel like God wants you to know He totally sees you right now

Rosalyn"

WOW. I read that note and thanked God. He is pursuing my heart like crazy right now and I am just floored at all He is doing.

Story of Trust-Labor/Deliver and Recovery

2010-08-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

Story of Trust- Labor/Delivery and Recovery

It all started Tuesday, June 22^nd at 2am. I was 42 weeks pregnant on the dot, and I woke up feeling crampy like I had diarrea and was sick to my stomach. I went downstairs to get some water and a granola bar and went to the bathroom, and found myself wide-awake. I watched some Phil Wickham music videos on my phone and Brett came in around 2:30 and told me to turn it down, and I told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I would turn it down. He went back to sleep and not long after, I felt a POP and knew something was up. I slowly got up and ran to the bathroom, and I felt a trickle that was uncontrollable, then I passed my mucus plug, and I got excited knowing that my water had broken! FINALLY Trust was almost here!

I called my sister (she was sleeping in the other room) and told her to come in the bathroom because my water had broken and I couldn’t move. She ran in and we smiled and laughed and I was really chill and just excited and she started running around like crazy and woke Brett up and they started getting everything together for the hospital. I sat there giddy with excitement and called the on call doctor and asked if I should go to the hospital right away, he said yes, but that I didn’t have to rush or anything and that I could take a shower if I wanted to. So I leisurely took a shower and got all ready to go to the hospital!

It was stormy and muggy when we left the house. Brett put down towels and trash bags for me to sit on in the car, and I told him it felt like I was peeing my pants uncontrollably! We listened to Paramore to get siked up in the car, and when we got to the hospital, Brett got a wheel chair for me and we headed in! We were out of our minds happy and excited at the thought of meeting our precious boy.

We got to the 2^nd floor and there was a girl in front of us whose water had also broken in front of us, and the receptionist said it had been a busy night! We got into the Triage room and the nurse checked me out to make sure my water had truly broken, and sure enough it had. Brett was busy texting family members and I sat there dreaming about meeting Trust for the first time! I was so excited!

We got to the natural delivery room and it was HUGE! Amy and Mom were finally allowed in the room and they each sat in a rocking chair. I told the nurse I was going all- natural, no drugs or anything.

I talked to Brett, Amy and mom and said, “Please support me in trying to do this without medicine! Let’s also stay positive no matter what! It's gonna get crazy soon..”

They put an IV in just in case I needed meds later and it literally took 30 minutes to find a vein. I was poked probably 4 or 5 times before she got one and when she did, my arm started swelling like CRAZY. It hurt REALLY bad but I tried to buck it up because the nurse said it would be fine in a second. Minutes passed and it still hurt and was swelling worse so I told another nurse and she finally put it in another vein.

I started getting mild contractions and my cervix was at 3cm and the nurse told me it helps to walk the halls to bring on stronger contractions. So I walked up and down the halls at least 50 laps and it worked! I walked through the strengthening contractions and I went back to my room after the contractions started getting pretty painful. Unfortunately, when they checked my cervix, it was still only at 3cm! I was feeling tired and wore out, but was still keeping a positive attitude.

At a certain point I just stayed put because the pain was getting so bad. I mean, I have NEVER experienced something so painful EVER in my life! I prayed and asked God to help me get through and listened to Phil Whickham to help relax me. My mom coached me through the breathing and helped me stay focused. I cried through a couple contractions, and knew this was going to be rough. I was also feeling VERY dizzy and faint every time I had a contraction.

12 hours later, I was only at 4 cm and felt like I was going to pass out even more. My nurse Jen told me since things weren’t progressing they were going to have to start me on pitocin to speed things up or risk infection. I was starting to spike a fever so they were concerned and started giving me antibiotics. My blood pressure was rising as well. My body was starting to get weak and I was so shaky.

Jenn told me that if I wanted an epidural, I’d need to put in a request NOW because the anesthesiologist may not be available when I really needed him. I told her I wasn’t sure, that my plan was to do it naturally. Jen told me “Honey, you think it is bad now, it is going to get at least 3 times worse. I’m not trying to pressure you, I just want to give you the facts.” Then all of a sudden a contraction hit me like a ton of bricks, and I said, “Sweet Jesus, get me the epidural!!” (Thank Jesus I got it too. You will find out why later in the story why. I SERIOUSLY think God inspired me to get the epidural, because it wasn’t even on my radar.)

The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. It was not bad at all! The worse part was having to stay still. I had strong contractions through the procedure and felt like I was going to pass out again. At that moment I was glad I made the decision to get the epidural.

They started the pitocin and my contractions started getting closer together, only now I could only feel the pressure of them not the pain. I was feeling MUCH better needless to say!

I start to notice that Trust’s heart rate seemed to dip really low when I would have a contraction, and my new nurse Amy kept coming in and rearranging my position to see if it helped his heart rate. She had a feeling that when I was having contractions, it was pressing on his umbilical cord. She came in frantically one time and put an oxygen mask on me and I started to freak out a little. I knew something wasn’t right… She also put in an internal monitor to monitor my contractions better and a monitor on Trust’s head to get a better reading on his heart rate, something that terrified me. I never wanted that, but knew things were getting serious.

Amy, my nurse, was trying to get a hold of Dr. Russ the on call Doctor that was going to deliver Trust, but he was in a C-section. I could tell she was getting nervous, but was trying to stay calm for me.

I quickly progressed to 8cm and Dr. Russ came in and said “We are going to deliver this baby soon. Let’s start pushing. Are you ready to push?” Seeing how his heart rate kept dropping and flat lined 2 times, he explained to me if we don’t get him out now that usually the 3^rd time it drops it doesn’t come back. I pushed and nothing seemed to be happening except I start feeling very sick and dizzy. There was so much hustle and bustle in the room I could hardly concentrate. People were whispering and getting things ready. I felt so many emotions… Was Trust okay? Why is this taking so long?

I looked over at my sister, mom and Brett and they looked terrified. My sister was shaking and Brett was praying. My mom just kept coaching me as I pushed counting 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10…

Dr. Russ explains to me that my tailbone is curved in a way that was preventing Trust from being able to come out on his own, and his heart rate kept dropping and that he was going to have to use forecepts to pull him out. He continued to tell me that there was a possibility that he could break my tailbone and that if that happens it would be months of recovery. He told me that he would have done a C-section, but there wasn’t time and that he needed to get him out NOW. He also later told me that I would probably have to give birth via C-section next time because of my tailbone.

After hearing all of that, I said “Oh no…” and took off my oxygen mask and started throwing up terribly and choking and convulsing. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and the room was spinning. Dr. Russ told me to calm down and told everyone in the room to be quiet. The nurse Jen was back in the room and said “Honey, FOCUS, PUSH!!!!” I said, “I can’t do this!” Dr. Russ said sternly, “Look at me. You need to block out everyone in the room and just push. We have to get this baby out.” My mom counted while crying while I pushed. Brett was right by my head holding my hard and praying, “Please Jesus, help Heather, help Trust.”

I used all of my effort and energy to push, and the resident doctor was assisting Dr. Russ and using the forcepts to pull him out and she couldn’t get him out, and Jen again screamed, “PULL Honey, PULL!!” Dr. Russ takes over and by the 3^rd push he snips me several times and pulls as hard as he could and out comes Trust black and blue with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice! The resident doctor sort of panics and goes for some scissors to cut the cord and Dr. Russ calmly says, “No” and gently unwraps the chord from Trust’s neck. Then I heard a wondrous sound! “WAAAAHHHH!!” they put him up on my belly and Brett cut his umbilical chord and I cried tears of joy! They quickly took him from me and I kept my eyes fixed on him while they cleaned him up and checked him out.

I laid there on the table convulsing terribly while they stitched me up. I heard them talking, and I tore in 3 or 4 places and it took them 1 hour and 15 minutes to stitch me up. I lost A LOT of blood. It looked like a murder scene and it felt like I could hardly breathe or speak. I felt so vulnerable, so exposed, just laying there in silence. I couldn’t fathom what had just happened to me.

I wasn’t sure if I should cry tears of joy or tears of grief because this wasn’t the labor and delivery I had planned/hoped for. I decided to stay positive and just focus on Trust. He was SO beautiful and BIG at 8lbs 10oz and 21 inches long! I thanked God we were both okay.

I was taken to another room shortly after delivery. The epidural slowly wore off and the pain from delivery was extreme. I was given some super pain pills but they hardly touched the pain I was in. Every trip to the restroom was miserable… I also felt VERY dizzy and faint and short of breath. There was one time I got up and my hearing went completely out and the room began to spin and I fell into the nurse who was helping me to the restroom and blacked out for a second. They told me in the hospital that I had lost a significant amount of blood and that my hemagloben levels were at 7 when the normal level is supposed to be 14, and that I may need a blood transfusion. They put me on iron to see if that would fix itself.

We had some wonderful moments with Trust in that time. I loved him from the first moment I laid eyes on him and that time in the hospital with him was great for bonding. I’m so glad I had the moments to breastfeed him. He latched on immediately and did fantastic! Every nurse was amazed and thought that Trust was my second child, but I just told them he was the pro, not me! It was also really neat to share the story of Trust’s name with the nurses and people who came in the room for different things. He is an amazing boy, with an amazing story. God predestined him to be here in THIS exact time in history for a purpose, and he is already helping people!

I wish the story ended there, but it doesn’t.

The hospital discharged me the next day with NO discharge instructions or medications. I was in SO much pain I called my doctor to write me a prescription. There was NO way I could have made it without something for the TERRIBLE pain I was in. I was frustrated because I felt like there was a definite lack of communication between Dr. Russ and my doctor and the hospital.

I got home from the hospital ready to start my new life with my new family, but after a day I started noticing I was not feeling so great… Every trip to the bathroom someone had to go with me and I was GASPING for air, I felt like I was going to pass out, I was seeing double and seeing lights in my vision. We decided to call the doctor and he told me to go to the ER right away.

We took Trust with us to the ER because I was still breastfeeding, and my mom, sister and Brett all came with me. I was totally FREAKED that Trust had to be there with us. My 2 day old baby should NOT have had to go with me to that horrible place!

In the ER they checked my hemagloben levels and decided that I would need a blood transfusion and needed to be admitted. I BAWLED my eyes out knowing that Trust couldn’t stay with me. I also was completely a mess wondering how I’d get the milk to him. Luckily, my family came through and made milk runs to hospital to get the milk I had been pumping for him. Unfortunately, we had to switch him to formula in that time because of the meds I was on. It was SUCH a hard decision. Again, this was not my plan. I still had to pump and dump my milk, and it was pretty miserable for how weak I was. My aunt and uncle also came to my house and took care of him while I couldn’t be there! What a blessing! They told me later that they fell in love with him and that it actually blessed them more than it did me.

It was a LONG, grueling night in the hospital. I was still pumping to give the milk to Trust and was getting absolutely NO sleep and was so sick I felt like if I were to close my eyes I would not wake up. It was so scary. They sent me home later that next day, and I was still feeling pretty miserable, but they said my levels went up to 9, so I could go home. I trusted they knew what they were talking about so I didn’t argue with them.

I got home and the next day I started feeling really bad again. Faintness, shortness of breath, double vision, very swollen, headache… I took a nap and my mom without my knowing called the doctor again. The doctor told her to have me go back to the hospital.

I woke up from my nap and my mom explained to me that we had to go back to the hospital. I cried. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. All of my expectations of what this time would be like were totally blown to shreds. I had to leave my baby again. I was so upset.

We got to the hospital and we got a Doctor from heaven. Dr. Blue. He came in and asked me TONS of questions (unlike the other doctor that just blamed everything on pregnancy) and really got down to the bottom of things. I had a CAT scan, Chest Xray, Heart EKG, Heart Ultrasound, Blood tests, and blood pressure tests. He even looked at my tongue and could tell my ph balance was off because of the color of my tongue!

When I got the Chest Xray I looked at the picture and thought to myself the left side looks really strange compared to the right side. I told Brett and my mom what I saw and they said, “Oh, you don't really know what you are looking at… it’s probably fine” I still had a funny feeling, knowing something wasn’t right.

Before we had heard from the doctor, the nurse came in and asked us, “Have you heard from the doctor yet? The EKG and Chest Xray were showing there is some water around your heart causing congestive heart failure and lung failure and we need to give you this medicine called lasiks to drain the water in your body.” My eyes were wide with disbelief and so were everyone else’s. I knew something wasn’t right, and like I was close to death, but I didn’t know I was THAT close. They also took me to get a CAT scan to check and see if I had a blood clot in my brain or lung, but PRAISE JESUS it came back normal. That could have been really bad, and we were all pretty scared.

Lasiks by the way, is not very fun when you are healing from SEVERE tares in that “area” if you know what I mean. You basically pee every 2 seconds uncontrollably, so they put a little bedside potty by the bed so I didn’t have to go so far. It was miserable. The doctor explained that from all of the fluids they pumped into me during delivery and during the transfusion and the transfusion plus the swelling I had during pregnancy, that it caused the swelling around my heart.

They also discovered from my high blood pressure test that I had some pretty high blood pressure (which I’d had the whole time, but had been ignored mostly.) and also from my blood test they found out I had pre ecclamsia. Because of the pre ecclamsia they had to put me on Magnesium to prevent me from having a seizure or stroke.

They admitted me again to continue the lasiks and to treat the pre ecclampsia with magnesium and regulate my blood pressure with meds.

Magnesium is basically MISERY in a bag. It dulls your nervous system so you have to stay in bed and can’t move. It made me have the WORST headache of my life and made my scalp tingly and I felt like I had a really high fever. I wouldn’t wish that night on my worst enemy… To add onto my misery, they told me I had to get a catheter. My mom was staying with me and I told her “I can’t do it mom! Please, I’ll be a beast and get up and go to the bathroom! I just can’t get a catheter with all the pain I am in!” I cried out of fear and anxiety. The severe tearing I had and stitches plus a catheter would equal even more misery for the night. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep a wink. They also had me on blood pressure meds to bring my blood pressure down, which did help thankfully! Through all of this, I was still pumping and dumping my breast milk too. Pumping every 2 to 3 hours during all of my pain and misery was the worst thing I could do for my mental and emotional state, but I was stubborn. I was hopeful to be able to breastfeed once all of the crazy medication had gotten out of my system. It took the life right out of me, making my already weak body weaker. I could hardly hold my arms up and needed help pumping all through the night. On top of that, I was severely engorged and it was so painful to pump.

The next day I was still miserable from the Magnesium from the night before. My mom went home to rest (she didn’t sleep either) and my dad came and stayed with me. I tried to rest, but still couldn’t sleep because of the after affects of the Magnesium. They monitored my blood pressure all-day and tried to help manage my pain with meds. They also discovered I had a bladder infection, and started giving me antibiotics.

Brett came to stay with me that night and I was finally able to sort of rest in between pumping. The next day the nurse talked to me about being released later, but that my doctor, Dr. Parker, wanted to see me first before I left to make sure I was well enough to go home this time since they sent me home prematurely 2 times before.

While I waited for the doctor, my sister Amy and Karen, my sisters Aunt in law, came in and prayed for me. Amy’s sister in law Melody was having HER baby that day and was one of Melody’s support people! So they had a moment, and decided to visit and pray with me. I cried so hard. It was refreshing to have people pray for me and remind me that God was with me through it all.

After they left, I noticed I was feeling rather feverish… I told the nurse and sure enough I had a fever of 100.4 and rising. I started to cry and feel frustrated, and the nurse was kind of flustered by my reaction. She asked me why I was crying and I told her I just wanted to go home and be with my baby, and that I was tired of being sick. She told me, “Well sometimes women get a fever because of hormones and you have too many blankets on you…” She continued to pull the top two blankets off of me. I was UPSET. Yeah, like blankets give you a fever.. I was starting to get tired of getting treated like I was making my symptoms up.

The Nurse called Dr. Parker, and told him how I was feeling. He got caught in a surgery and couldn’t come to see me after all, so he talked to me on the phone. Rather brashly he said, “Do you want to go home?” I hesitated, and in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘of course I do but am I WELL enough?’ I just said, “Um, yeah I do, but am I ok?” He said he would have the resident doctor come look at me to see if I was well enough to go home and we got off the phone. I felt even more emotional. Was I going to be sent home again and have to come back?

The resident doctor told me that I looked well enough to go home and me and Brett argued with her. We told her we had been sent home twice and had to come back and that on the discharge instructions it says to come back if you have a fever of 100.4 + and my fever was rising to 100.8. They said if it got to 102 to come back to the ER, something I thought was absolutely ridiculous. Why wouldn’t they just help me now? We quit arguing at a certain point, and just decided it wasn’t worth the fight since they weren’t going to do anything. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics and made an appointment to see Dr. Parker, and that was it.

As we packed up our stuff to go home I cried tears of frustration and anger. I felt terrible, yet they weren’t listening to me.

That night I spiked a fever of 102+. I was SO miserable and I cried again. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go back to the hospital where they would ignore me, so I just stayed home and took ibprofen and the antibiotics. The next day my mom told me to call the doctor, but I was so angry with him that I didn’t. I knew what he would say. “Go back to the ER.” When he was the one who sent me home KNOWING I had a fever. I was sick of the run around, and decided just to pray and keep taking the meds.

My mom prayed for me and said God told her that she needed to pray for me to get better, and shortly after she prayed for me, my fever started to steadily decrease! It was a miracle!

My recovery was still rocky from there. I was still in a LOT of pain and had an infection in my lymph nodes, HORRIBLE Migraines, and random fevers.

The thing that kept me going through it all was my healthy, growing boy! My dad and Brett (hehe) took Trust to his first pediatrician appointment, and she gave him a clean bill of health! Absolutely nothing wrong with him. Praise Jesus!

Trust continues to grow everyday and it amazes me. He is a miracle. God truly has been with us through it all and I learning to trust him everyday. It has been a battle, but I know God is working everything out for good! I see that everyday. And through it all God has been SO faithful and provided EVERYTHING we need. Food, money, support, love and so much more through others! THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!

The song I wrote for him when I was pregnant carries even more weight as I reflect on what we’ve been through. I will end with the lyrics because it says it perfectly!

“The Doctor’s said that you may not live, but I believed something different for you, Trusting that we’d make it out of this somehow, knowing you were not a mistake

As you grow, I know, God is with us, God is with us, Trials may come and go, but I know, Trust will carry us through, Trust will carry us through

Now you’re two years old, a miracle living and breathing, your life has become more like a living testimony

As you grow, I know, God is with us, God is with us, Trials may come and go, but I know, Trust will carry us through, Trust will carry us through

You’re beautiful my love, a miracle from birth…”

Story of Trust- The Beginning

2010-08-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

A Story of Trust- The Beginning

My husband Brett and I found out we were pregnant in early 2008. We were as happy as could be being pregnant with our first child, dreaming and making plans for the future. I changed all of my bad eating habits, stopped drinking coffee, and pretty much did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

We had our first ultrasound and everything looked great so we started telling friends and got a few baby things like a really cool crib set that was gender neutral. My mom even got us some cute little baby outfits and bibs. Everything felt certain…Life was wonderful and new.

One Thursday night I had a terrible dream. I dreamed I was in a dingy bathroom and Brett came in and I told him I was miscarrying, and to call the doctor right away. He called the doctor, but she was out of town. A huge angry rat came out of nowhere and started attacking us. I woke up from the dream and prayed and told Brett about it.

It was Friday, and that day at work I noticed some spotting (bleeding), remembering my dream from the night before, I called the doctor right away. She got me in for an ultrasound that day. She said that she wasn’t seeing any progression from the last ultrasound and didn’t see a heartbeat, but that it didn’t mean I was miscarrying either. She also told us she was GOING OUT OF TOWN and that we wouldn’t be able to get a hold of her, but if I felt any pain or increased bleeding to go straight to the hospital. I felt like the dream from the night before was a warning or preparation for us to know what to do and what to expect, but also that we were entering an ugly battle.

In the next day the pain started, and the bleeding worsened. I woke Brett up at 2am Easter Sunday morning in extreme pain and he sat with me massaging my legs and praying for me. I was crying the pain was so bad, so we called the on call doctor and she told us to go to the ER.
We spent Easter Sunday in the ER. They gave me pain meds, which helped a lot and the doctor did a pelvic exam to see if I was miscarrying. Sure enough my cervix was open and they were very certain I was in fact miscarrying. I cried. I was devastated. What did I do wrong? How could I have tried harder to ensure my baby’s safety? Was there nothing they could do other than send me home with pain meds and let the baby pass? It seemed so insensitive, so wrong, so unfair.

We went to my parent’s house that night and decided to stay there for a couple days since I needed lots of help. I cried in my parent’s arms and they cried too.

We decided to name our baby Lily for the Easter lily. We both thought our baby was a girl from dreams we had about her, so we stuck with it to give our hearts some closure. It was hard to be losing our baby on Easter Sunday. A day that is supposed to be filled with much hope and promise was filled with sadness and emptiness for us. We knew every Easter from that moment on wouldn’t be the same, yet God STILL showed us His love and hope in those moments. Knowing that we don’t belong in this broken place, but we were meant for more. That Jesus rose to life as Lily would also be raised.

I bled and was in gut wrenching pain for 2 weeks. I was weak and I was emotionally traumatized. I was living the death of my child everyday. I continued to bleed, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. I felt so out of control.

I remember lying helplessly on the couch praying and feeling the closeness of Jesus. That as I wept, I knew He was right there with me weeping too.

People from our church, friends and family brought us food, cards, flowers, left us messages on facebook, emailed us and prayed with us. I cried each time I received something, feeling so blessed in such a dark time. They were a great extension of God’s love for us. I was so grateful for them.

Somewhere in that time we received the crib set we ordered months before, and Brett told me, “I’m so sorry honey. I will put this away until we need it.” He was so sweet and put it away in a closet so I wouldn’t find it.

Finally, the doctor told me since the bleeding wasn’t stopping, she would need to do a procedure to “scrape” out the rest, a D&E.

I went into surgery in good spirits. I prayed a lot with Brett and my family before and had peace about everything. After the surgery, the doctor told my parents and Brett that the sac and lifeless baby was still stuck in my uterus, and it was a good thing they did the procedure when they did because of possible infection.

I cried again when I heard this, because I KNEW my baby was really gone. I felt empty and sad, like a piece of me was missing.

A couple weeks before Mother’s Day, my family and I planted a lily in honor of Lily. It was emotional to say the least. As my dad dug the hole I was thinking, it is sad I didn’t get to burry my child somewhere, but it was okay because I know she didn’t need a place to be buried, because she was in heaven with Jesus. Just in time for Mother’s Day the lily bloomed! Another LOVELY display of God’s love for us! Even in the little things like a lily blooming. He knew what it meant to me and it was a beautiful moment.

It was probably 8 months before I felt somewhat normal again. I was overwhelmed with grief, depression, and feelings of guilt and shame. People were still asking me everyday “how’s the pregnancy going?” or “how’s your baby?” not realizing I had miscarried and I had to tell them all over again about the miscarriage. In a way it was a good healing process to be able to talk about it, yet still, it brought up all of the horrific memories.

I had some great encounters with the Lord in that time. Sometimes when we are at our lowest He speaks the loudest.

I remember one occasion I was at my church sitting alone and I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness during worship. I made a conscience effort to worship God anyway and pushed my feelings aside. I closed my eyes to focus my mind on Him. When I opened my eyes I had this overwhelming feeling that I was singled out by God. That even though I was in a room worshiping with 3,000 people He SAW me. It was so personal and profound. I cried and peace washed over my heart and I told Him everything I was feeling about losing Lily and that I missed her. I later got prayer and I felt like a stitch was placed on my bleeding heart. That healing had begun.

In those months women who had also lost a child, came out of the woodwork and talked to me. I had no idea how many women had been through what I had. I thought I was alone, but to my surprise, many women have been through it, yet are just unable or scared to talk about it. I had many great talks with those women and we cried together, shared together and shared the hope of meeting our children in heaven. What a great hope!

God continued to pursue me and urged me to keep talking about Lily and to continue to heal. He wanted to pull out everything

I had put under the rug and deal with it even though I wanted to hide all that I was dealing with. He is good like that. He doesn’t want us to stay hurt or broken. He wants us to heal so we can help others.

In the months following I was able to talk at different women’s events about my miscarriage, and how God got me through it. I cried each time, the wound still fresh, but God continued to use Lily’s story to bring people to Him.

God gave me a sweet analogy in that time that Jesus has scars in his hands and feet as a reminder of LOVE of what He did for us, and I also carry scars of the Love of my daughter. They will never go away, but it is okay. We all have scars, but it’s what we do with them that matters.

Women came to me, wrote me letters, and shared about the children they had lost and that they had never had the courage to talk about them until I told my story. I am constantly reminded that God really does work EVERYTHING together for good, and uses every person’s story to bring Him glory!

Fast-forward a year and a half.

Brett and I decided we wanted to try again for a baby. A year had past with no luck. I started to think maybe the procedure I had might keep us from getting pregnant, but we prayed and others prayed for us too keeping faith. Every time I took a pregnancy test I felt the sting of defeat and failure. It was not easy but I kept praying and trusting God that HIS timing was perfect.

On October 10th, 2009 the day before Brett’s birthday, I had a strange craving for pizza and went to the store for a pizza and a pregnancy test. I took the test not thinking anything would happen, and to my surprise I saw a little pink plus sign in the window! I called Brett feeling scared, yet excited and told him the news. He was hesitant to get excited and he said, “Are you sure?” I sent him a picture text of the test, and he finally believed me! We told our family and asked them to pray. I ended up telling all of my friends too just because I felt that no matter what happened, I wanted to celebrate the life I had for as long as I had it. I was trusting God for the health of this baby.

With little time to celebrate, I immediately started feeling sick. Thinking it was just normal morning sickness, I tried to continue life as normal, but soon I was immobilized by intense nausea and vomiting. We switched doctors in that time, and I called him up because of the trouble I was having.

By the time I got into the doctor my symptoms were MUCH worse. I couldn’t move without throwing up and drinking and eating were near to impossible. He told me that my blood tests from my last appointment showed that my progesterone levels were low (Low progesterone can cause miscarriages) and that he wanted to put me on progesterone supplements. I was overwhelmed by the diagnosis, having flashbacks from the previous pregnancy, but I also felt grateful to be able to stay on top of the problem. Again, I was faced with my worst fear, but I KNEW I had to deal with it head on. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy…

Also, my doctor wanted me to go straight to the hospital for some IV treatments and meds since I was pretty dehydrated and miserable.

I got the treatments from the hospital and went home that night and ate a good meal, but ended up throwing up EVERYTHING I had eaten. Feeling defeated, the next day I called the doctor again saying nothing had changed. They told me the next step was to put me on Home Care. My nurse told me it was VERY important that I do the Home Care because of my health and the baby’s. We were nervous because of the cost, but KNEW I wouldn’t make it without it.
The Home Care nurse came and hooked me up to a Medicine IV pump to help with the nausea and vomiting, and later I went to stay at my parent’s house because I couldn’t take care of myself.

I was in shock. I thought pregnancy was supposed to be fun and easy! I wanted to pick out cute little outfits and talk about names, but there was no time for that. Flashbacks of hospital visits with Lily were in the back of my mind constantly, but I kept praying under my breath, hoping for a different outcome.

The medicine they had me on through IV gave me some really crazy side effects that made EVERYTHING worse. My heart was racing, I had heart flutters, shortness of breath, insomnia, restlessness, and it felt like I was lying on pins and needles. I was getting no sleep and could hardly stay in one position for a minute without pain or vomiting.

One of those nights I was so sick I thought I was going to die. I kept throwing up, and my Ketone levels were in the high 80’s, which means your body is very dehydrated and eating off of your fat supplies (starving), and I was having trouble breathing. Every sound, smell, movement, and light made me sick. I lost 3 pounds that night. Not only was I thinking of myself dying, but I was also thinking about losing my baby and it was terrible. All I could do that night was sing worship songs in my head and cry out to God for help.

Thank the Lord for my parents. They had a baby monitor in my room and anytime I needed help they got up to help me. I couldn’t have done it without them. I’m not sure if I would be here today if they were not there with me!

The nurse switched my medicine the next day to Zofran, (a medicine they give to Chemo patients for nausea and vomiting) and I was finally able to sleep through the night.
Everyday was a horrible battle with food. The nausea and vomiting were so bad that if I had something in my mouth it made me sick. I cried as my mom and dad and sister lovingly confronted me with trying to eat more. I was trying, but it felt impossible. I had lost 12 pounds (being underweight to begin with) so I knew I had to try.

In that time we had MANY doctors visits to check in on my progress, and at 10 weeks we went to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I was nervous. What if all of the medicine, lack of food and water affected the baby? I was trying hard to trust everything would be okay.

I was quiet in the car. My mom and Brett were with me as support and they knew I was feeling nervous. We got to the doctor’s office and my doctor put the little heart monitor on my belly and I heard nothing but static. He searched for what seemed like forever, and still nothing. I began to sweat and tears welled up in my eyes, thinking “Not again, please God don’t let me lose this baby too. It’s just too much.” The doctor said he wanted to do an ultrasound to check and make sure everything was okay, so we waited for the ultrasound room to open up.

As we waited my mom said, “Heather it is going to be alright.” I had a blank stare just wanting to find out if everything was okay, trying not to think too much.

We got into the ultrasound room and the doctor put the wand on my belly, searched around for a little bit, and sure enough! There was our little baby swimming and dancing around in my belly! The doctor said, “Looks like the baby is just fine! Sometimes when they are really active it is hard to get a heartbeat.”

I cried tears of joy all the way home with my mom. Words could not express the relief and happiness I felt. My baby was okay. Surviving the odds, I KNEW in my heart this child had a great purpose…Even if that meant just teaching me how to trust God.

The coming weeks were full of many late nights of sickness, misery, and insomnia. But the picture of my baby swimming around despite all I was going through kept me going. Seeing the ultrasound made it REAL for me. Knowing that I wasn’t sick for no reason, but because I was having a baby!

Things started getting easier around 17 weeks (4 ½ months). I started being able to eat a little bit more normally, and threw up only once or twice a day. Not only that but my belly was starting get bigger and I was feeling lots of movement! Just amazing.

The appointment I was excited for finally came! The 20 week Ultrasound appointment to find out if we were having a boy or girl and to check all the fingers and toes and organs.

I was excited and nervous to see my babe again. Praying that everything would be okay… Right when the ultrasound technician put the wand on my belly she said, “Oh, it looks like you have a low lying placenta.” Not knowing what it meant I said, “What?” She told me it usually shifts up as the baby grows but if not it could be trouble for delivery and certain activities could cause it to erupt. She told me that the doctor would want to follow up with me on it, and to not do much activity until then. I felt like crying. Another medical issue? Really? I wasn’t expecting that at all. I felt a cloud of anxiety set in for a second.

THEN. The most lovely thing happened! I saw my baby! The head, the heart, the hands, the kidneys, the legs, and the moving little body. It was precious! Then came the time when we were to find out if it was a boy or a girl, and after a bit of prodding, we found out our baby is a BOY! Filled with joy and tears I was speechless. Ever single hardship I went through up until this point was forgotten!

I ran out to the waiting room to tell my dad who was waiting anxiously and gave him a high-five and a hug and said, “It’s a boy!” His face was priceless. He had only had girls, and now he has a grandson!

We celebrated at First Watch for breakfast, and we texted and called all of our friends and family to tell them the news.

I got to work editing the video footage we collected and made a cool video to document the ultrasound appointment of our little son. I used the song “You’re Beautiful” by Phil Wickham since that song has really helped me process through a lot with the miscarriage and with finding out we are pregnant again. The ending of the video is the Bridge that says, “When we arrive at eternity’s shore, WHERE DEATH IS JUST A MEMORY, and tears are no more, we’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together and we’ll sing, You’re Beautiful.” A beautiful example of God’s redemption and hope for us. He makes all things new. He gives hope to the hopeless.

Brett and I decided to name our son, Trust Emmanuel Evans. Trust, because this whole journey of pregnancy and Trust’s life has been COMPLETELY about learning to trust God FULLY with our lives no matter the outcome. And Emmanuel means “God with us” or “God is with us”. We believe in this time God has never been far off but right there with us through it all. He is what has kept us steady, and hopeful.

We know that even after Trust is born, the story isn’t over. We will have to continually trust his life over to the Lord, and his name stands as a GREAT reminder to us to always trust God. His life is a living testimony of God’s mercy and grace in our lives. Giving us the gift of a child. No matter the circumstance, He works EVERTHING out for the good, even if we don’t see it yet.

The story continues...

Heather, where have you been??

2010-03-10T06:44:00.000-08:00

So I've been sort of out of the internet realm for a couple of weeks! Many factors have led to this. We just moved to our new place (it is amazing) but we don't have internet and aren't planning on getting it. Also, I've been in Nashville Tennessee for the past 2 weeks with my sister, brother in law and niece!

Nashville has been great! Getting to spend time with my sister and niece before Trust gets here, means a LOT to me. Although the reason I came down was kind of sad, she was feeling overwhelmed and needed her sister, it has been really good for both of us! :)

I have really gotten some GREAT practice being a mom with dear little Chloe. I have helped with every aspect of her schedule successfully, watched her on my own, played with her, taught her words and I really feel like I can do this mom thing! I realize the beginning months are ALWAYS going to be hard, but I am really looking forward to the 6-12 month age! It is a blast! She is changing so much and growing rapidly!

I do miss Brett my hubby like crazy though.. I can't wait to see him! He hasn't seen my belly in a while and will be impressed with how big Trust is! :)

Not only that but my belly is growing rapidly! My body is always changing and my stomach is a bottomless pit for food! It is so funny.. My sister makes fun of me because my mind is always on food and the next meal. lol..

Before all of this I was working on a lullaby project, and I am really excited to get back to it when I go back to Columbus! I have a lot of inspiration now from spending time with Chloe!

Lot's have been happening, but that is the jist! My next doc appointment is the 16th, the day after I get back. yeahh!! I'm hoping for a good report for my little babe. :)

Songs for Trust-Lullaby Album

2010-02-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

So I had this idea to write a Lullaby Album for my baby Trust (he is still incubating in my belly at 5 months pregnant!) to get ready and excited for him to get here. Plus, a lot of my friends have or are having babies that I would love to give this CD to. I wrote 2 songs for the Album on February 6th, and they just keep coming! I asked if AJ, one of my friends would help me record the album, and he agreed, so hopefully by the time Trust gets here it will be done! We'll be recording our first songs next Friday, and I must say, I am excited!

**Every time I sing, Trust moves like crazy! I think he likes music.. :)

It is neat to think of Trust growing up, having interests, having a calling, a purpose for his life, and the fact that I get to be apart of his life is just amazing! He has already made such an impact in my life and he isn't even here yet! We have been through a lot these past couple months, but I know all of the hard stuff has only made my love for him stronger, and I appreciate his life a lot more than I think I would if all of this came easy. He has taught me to TRUST GOD and know that God IS with us through it all.. His name is perfect. Trust Emmanuel Evans. (Emmanuel means God is with us) A constant reminder of God's provision for us and to Trust that everything will be okay.

I wrote this song last night called "Trust", Here are the lyrics!:

The Doctor's said that you may not live
But I believed something different for you
Trusting that we'd make it out of this somehow
Knowing you were not a mistake

And as you grow, I know
God is with us, God is with us
Trials come and go, but I know
Trust will carry us through
Trust will carry us through

Now you're 2 years old
A miracle living and breathing
Your life has become like
A living testimony

And as you grow, I know
God is with us, God is with us
Trials come and go, but I know
Trust will carry us through
Trust will carry us through

You are beautiful, my love
A miracle from birth

Our Little Boy.. :)

2010-02-04T13:13:00.001-08:00

Trust Emmanuel Evans, our Baby Boy!!

We had our Ultrasound appointment today, and we found out we are having a BOY!! Horaay! I swore it was a girl, but was pleasantly surprised when I found out it was a boy! I sort of had a feeling because of how squirmy this little guy is. Just like his daddy!

We decided to name our little boy Trust Emmanuel Evans. This whole pregnancy has been all about trusting God, so we thought it was fitting! Emmanuel means "God with us" which He has been through this whole process. We will continue to trust God through the rest of this pregnancy, labor, delivery, childhood and adulthood. :)

I was a little nervous because right when the ultrasound technician put the wand on my belly she said my placenta was low and that we'd have to follow up with the doctor on it. I don't really know what it means but she told me a few activities to be careful on. Trusting God yet again! See? This name fits!

The rest of the ultrasound was great! We saw the heart, kidneys, fingers, legs all folded up and cute, arms, the cute little profile and it was great! Very reassuring and precious! I held back tears of joy the whole time!

I made a little video of our ultrasound experience so check it out in my videos on Facebook once I upload it!! The song in the background is called "Beautiful" by Phil Whickham, and it really helped me through a lot of emotions from the miscarriage, and through the trials of this pregnancy. I hope you like it!

Crazy yet amazing Weekend..!

2010-02-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

This weekend was crazy to say the least! It is kind of weird that it is over.. all the planning, all the e-mails and phone calls.. I miss it, yet it is a relief at the same time!

It all started Friday with the Travonna Haiti Benefit. I was THRILLED at the turn out, and couldn't believe how much we raised for Haiti! $1,100!! Horaay!

Then on Saturday I hurried and packed up the last of our things in our apartment and recovered from the Benefit show the night before. I also ended up going over to Brianne Gladieux's house to do crafts and drink tea! It was lovely and relaxing..

Sunday was the day of the BIG move, but I woke up that day to some terrible news.. they found my old friend Heather Faehnle.. she had committed suicide.. I cried for a while and called my mom and cried some more. It was such a shock. She had so much going for her.. I just couldn't imagine how sad and alone she must have felt in that moment. Plus her family is so sweet. I can't imagine how they are taking the news.. Her wake is Wednesday and her funeral is Thursday. It will be a hard day, so I think I am only going on Wednesday because Thursday we go to the doctor to find out if we are having a boy or girl and I think it would be too much.

Unfortunately, the rest of the day Sunday I was kind of in a fog. BUT THANK THE LORD for amazing helpers! We had some mom's from the Net and Rock Youth groups come and help clean out Brett's Dad's house where we were moving in and, Brianne, Alissa Theo, Andrea my sis in law, and my mom and Brett's mom came too! They cleaned like crazy! It looked and smelled so great once they finished!

Probably 10-12 guys moved all of our stuff in! They moved everything SOO fast! What a blessing to have so many people in our lives that love us! I cannot even fathom it..

We put things away the rest of the night and woke up Monday morning (my mom spent the night to help us) went to First Watch for Breakfast and kept putting things away. Everything is almost all put away, and it looks really great. My dad brought us Chipotle for lunch and we had fun chatting a little bit.

We also saw a bunch of Wild Turkey in the back yard with a TON of cool birds and 8 deer! We saw 6 cardinals, 3 blue jays, finches and other birds live in our huge backyard. soo cool.. It sounds funny, but it feels like a retreat or vacation to have so much space and such a pretty view, plus a wood burning fireplace! This is a nice season..

Monday night was the Haiti Benefit at Vonn Jazz Loungue! It was a Success! We raised over $800 for Haiti, and if you combine the total from the Travonna Benefit we raised at least $2000 for Haiti this weekend! WOW! It all came together, and the music was WONDERFUL and people really enjoyed themselves. I definitely want to go back to Vonn. It is such a cool venue..

I have a hard/cool week ahead. I am praying for strength as I go to the funeral and the ability to enjoy the ultrasound with Brett.

Haiti Benefit in Columbus last night!

2010-01-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

Last night the Travonna Coffee House "Grounds for Humanity" Haiti Benefit was buzzing with music, love, coffee talk, art, and giving. At one point, I looked around the room and felt like I was going to cry because of the AMAZING turn out and support of the Columbus community.

The Music line-up was more than superb! I can't even tell you how refreshing and awesome the music was. You could just tell there was a lot of heart put into everyone's performance.. IT WAS SO GOOD!

There was also a VERY successful art auction that evening! Local Artists in Columbus donated there art to sell to raise money for Haiti. We raised Over $300 for the art auction alone! I got a pretty fantastic piece that I can't wait to hang up in my living room. It will be my constant reminder to pray for Haiti, and keep seeking ways to reach out to them.

Throughout the evening there was probably 200 people that came.. or more.. I'm not sure! $1,100 was raised for Haiti, a number I didn't even think was possible! But yet again, the people of Columbus banned together to do something spectacular and blew my expectations. :)

THANK YOU to everyone who came, Played music, donated art and more! You are loved and appreciated!

Heather Evans

Broken Art

2010-01-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

Something happens when you write everything down. All of your anxieties, worries, cares.. You begin to process, you begin to think, you begin to heal. To write it, and leave it. To let it go as you close the page.

My worries as of late are fragments of thoughts about the past and future. Things I can't do anything about, yet I still stew. I miss out on what is happening today, thinking about what is to come or could have done.

------

Picture a mirror, shattered on the ground. When you hover over it you see a hundred reflections of yourself, from many different angles. It's like your past... Broken up in so many pieces, from so many different circumstances, from so many perspectives.. Feeling scattered, you give to worry. Fragments in your mind of past events, past losses, past choices. How will this fragmented display ever be whole and used for a purpose?

Bending over the array of shards, you begin to pick up the pieces. You prick your finger on a couple sharp memories and move on. It hurts, but doesn't draw blood this time.

You start placing the mosaic of shapes on a blank, boring canvas, and start to realize something interesting.. As the pieces are strategically placed, your broken life starts looking a little more like art instead of trashed goods. You start to see something beautiful, almost captivating about all of the pieces coming together to make a mosaic of life's hardships. It speaks something.

People pass by and see this work of art and are changed by it, knowing that deep in their heart they can be like this mosaic too. It's just a matter of picking up the pieces, and using them for something beautiful.

18 week baby appointment!

2010-01-22T10:41:00.001-08:00

I had my 18 week appointment today, and it was GREAT!

I've gained 11 pounds in 4 weeks! Usually, I wouldn't share my weight gain, but it is a COMPLETE blessing/miracle that I've been able to put on weight! It has seemed like such a struggle to keep any food down, and now I am eating pretty normally, with only an occasional bought of throwing up/nausea!

My doctor was very proud of me for the weight gain (since I'd lost 12 pounds previously) and said "Well! Looks like you are feeling better these days!" I said "Yes I am!!" He also said "Good to see you are unplugged too!" to which I said, "Praise the Lord!" I still feel funny without my medicine pump, it was a constant accessory for the last 4 months, but I am SOO happy to be without it! I still take some nausea medication every once and awhile but it is a definite improvement!

Whenever he used the heart monitor to check our babe's heartbeat, it was kind of funny... You would hear the heart for a few seconds then hear a gurgle and Doctor Parker said, "Do you hear that noise? That is your baby moving!" I thought it was neat and I chuckled a bit. He asked me if the baby had been moving at all and I said "YES! A LOT!" It was all good stuff.

We also talked about my friend Karen Wilson, he just delivered her baby yesterday, and we talked about the Vineyard and how we probably have a lot of mutual relationships. It's great to have a friendly and caring doctor!

I also got my blood drawn, and scheduled my Ultra Sound appointment after that for February 4th! I am excited out of my mind for that appointment! We will finally find out if we are having a Boy or a Girl, and get to have a DIGITAL 3D ultrasound! Pretty neat huh? I can't wait to put a name to this lovely child! That will be THE BEST!

Me and Brett made bets in the waiting room and I said if it is a girl, you have to take me to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner! and Brett said, well if it's a boy, you have to make me dinner for a month! We shook on it before I had time to think about it, and realized I got the bad end of the deal.. Oh well! Either way I will be thrilled! :)

I am falling so much in love with this baby! I water up just thinking about seeing him/her and getting to be his/her parent! What an honor.. thank you Jesus for allowing me to do this! I am so unworthy, but still you give me this marvelous gift of parenthood!

18 weeks Pregnant & Benefit Shows!

2010-01-18T15:59:00.000-08:00

I am now 18 weeks pregnant (almost 5 months!)! How time flies... SO crazy!

In pregnancy news, I am off my IV medicine pump! HORAAY! It was a little rough getting off of it, and I was feeling PRETTY sick for a couple days, but today I am feeling MUCH better as far as nausea and vomiting go today. I can honestly say this pregnancy thing has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I know it will be worth it when I see that little babe's face!

In other baby news, we are going to the doctor on Thursday for our 18 week appointment! Then the appointment after that we will know if we are having a girl or a boy! I must say, I am excited! :) We are in transition of moving the 31st. SO many changes, but soo good!

In music news, The Priceless Music Video Release to the internet was awesome!! I got so much response and lots of people are going to use it to raise awareness about Human Trafficking. Pretty awesome stuff.

I've also been planning benefit shows for Haiti like crazy! From the moment I saw it on the news I felt moved to DO something! Knowing I couldn't go there myself, I decided to organize the music and art community in Columbus and raise some money through benefit shows! The response was so amazing that we are doing 3 benefit shows! 1 is January 29th at The Travonna Coffee House in the short north at 7pm. The second one is February 1st at VONN Jazz/Blues in Worthington at 7pm. The 3rd is still being worked out, but it is going to be a DANCE/HIP/HOP show! So awesome. I love Columbus, Ohio! :)

Priceless Video Release TODAY!!

2010-01-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

Today is a VERY special and exciting day! It is Nation Human Trafficking Awareness Day, and also the release of the Priceless Music Video I've been working on since the summer of 2009 with the Palestra.net!

So many things have happened these past couple days, and it kind of blows my mind a bit..

Today I attended an event at the Statehouse for Human Trafficking Awareness Day, and it only confirmed why I am doing this!! Senators, Judges, Government Officials, Organization Leaders, Policemen, and survivors spoke about what they are doing in Ohio to stop Human trafficking, and it was encouraging and overwhelming at the same time. The need is GREAT but the helpers are few. My eyes were widened more to what is happening in Ohio, and that I am very needed here. Ohio has the 4th most arrest records for Sex Trafficking in the US. Crazy. Here I am in Ohio, thinking this is going on in other places and it is RAMPANT here! The sickening part is a lot of the cases were of Children and teens.

I met so many organizations, and had a booth set up with the video at the Statehouse, and I made a LOT of great connections. I am really excited to see what these next couple months bring!

"What was once whispered in corners, will be shouted on the rooftops!"- I am shouting the message out Loud and clear, in hopes to end this injustice! Let's Shout together and get heard!

Priceless Video Release!

2010-01-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

This Monday (1-11-10) is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day, and Me and the guys at the Palestra decided it would be the PERFECT day to release the Priceless Music Video!

The Priceless Music Video will be released on the Web on Monday 1-11-10, so be sure to tell all of your friends and family to check it out, and explain to them about Human Trafficking. Let's get the word out about this unseen evil! We will post a link with the video on Monday, so keep checking in! :)

If you need a site to direct people to for more information on H.T., tell them to go to Love146.org! They are an incredible organization and we will be teaming up with them to get the word out about the Priceless Video as well! :)

ALSO! Monday morning there is a Human Trafficking Awareness Event held at the Statehouse at 8:30am. If you are able, COME! We will be in the lobby showing the Priceless Video continuously throughout the event! How cool is that?

Let's give those without a voice a voice! Help spread awareness about Human Trafficking by using YOUR gifts!

TO LISTEN TO THE SONG PRICELESS GO TO: www.heatherevansmusic.com

Much Love,

Heather Evans

Art Therapy

2010-01-08T04:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a WONDERFUL day! I spent most of the day creating with Sara Castro, a lovely lady who makes AMAZING crafts and art. She made some delicious lunch and it was a great time of sharing and creating!

I was still recovering from many thoughts and fears I've been wrestling with about being prego, and I must say painting and doing art was REALLY therapeutic for me! The snow was falling outside, we were talking, drinking peppermint tea, listening to some awesome female artists, and painting! It was bliss.

Sometimes life just comes at you sooo fast, it is hard to slow down and see past the fog you live in.. But moments like these really help you get recharged and see from a fresh perspective, you know? It reminds you life doesn't always have to be hard and a struggle, it can be fun and relaxing too!

I am so grateful for good friends and for art. I am looking forward to more moments like these! God really blessed my heart yesterday.. He really DOES know what we need, doesn't He? :)

Conquering Fears

2010-01-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I had two bad dreams that were almost exactly the same but a little different. They were both about me going into labor WAAYYYY too early/or miscarrying. Literally I looked down at my stomach and thought, I can't have this baby yet, it is definitely not big enough or developed enough to make it outside of the womb.

It was terrifying obviously. I think this fear has always been in the back of my mind, but it hasn't had the opportunity to surface yet. Sickness with nausea and vomiting have calmed down a bit and it has given me more time to think and process the past couple months and some of my fears and things I'm looking forward to. Sometimes I think I get too excited, then other times I am not excited enough.

Pregnancy is such a blessing and yet still it comes with caution and so many fears. It seems like this is a good opportunity to kind to dig into those fears a bit and ask God to help me process and deal with past losses and see this pregnancy as something totally different and good. In fact, I think He is the only one who can take away my fears.

Maternity Clothes Fun

2010-01-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am 16 weeks Pregnant today! CELEBRATE! My belly is growing more everyday and I've just now come into contact with the world of maternity clothes.. :)

I got loads of gift cards for maternity clothes from family this Christmas, and it was a complete blessing! I am starting to get a little belly, and cannot wear normal pants anymore and a lot of my shirts are getting RATHER tight! On top of that, I also just received a bag of maternity clothes from a friend at Church! I really wasn't expecting that... Just another example of God providing above and beyond for us in this time! :)

I've been living in some comfy Gap Maternity Velour Black pants, and they have saved my life. I have been wearing them with everything, and I must say I've pulled it off pretty well! :)

Gap Maternity Velour Black Pants

Motherhood Maternity Boot cut Jeans- these jeans are PERFECT! They fit well but still have some growing room too!

Black Cap sleeve Graphic T

Gap Maternity Henley quarter length shirt

Gap Maternity Black V-neck T

Gap Maternity Tanks

I also got some AWESOME/cute bikini underwear and a nursing bra. No need to post those here.. hehe!

It is great to feel like you look nice when you are pregnant because of all the weird body changes you are going through. Most of the time you just feel like you look bloated, plus your face is breaking out like a 12 year old, not to mention you can't button your jeans. Being able to put on something you look and feel great in is a HUGE confidence boost in a time when you are not exactly feeling all that beautiful. (especially in the in between state!)

I am feeling good today! I am not at all sick, just reallllllyyyyy thirsty! Making sure I am drinking LOTS of water and fluids today...

The day of rest becomes the day of stress

2010-01-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

I went to bed last night a little freaked out because I realized I only had ONE syringe left of medicine. You see, my Thursday shipment of meds were put in our Apartment's office because we weren't home, and with the holidays, they haven't been in the office so I haven't been able to get them. Panicked, I called Alere, my at home care provider and they told me they can't get me a shipment right away and can't call in a prescription because my doc has to do it. I tried calling the office manager in the morning to try to get in the office, but they didn't answer and there was no way to leave a message either. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but we were doing a Christmas hang out with Carl, my Father in law and Andrea, Ron and the kiddos. I just didn't want to risk getting really sick for that. Not to mention I get really sick at night..

My Syringe ran out when we got to Andrea and Ron's and I was feeling nervous and sick. Carl had the GREAT idea to call the doctor's office and see if I could get ahold of an on call doctor and get a prescription. I called the emergency number to talk to a doctor and left a message about my situation. I put my phone on top of my purse so I would hear it, but when he called me back, I was talking and there was a lot of noise with the kiddos and I didn't get his phone call. I listened to the message and the doctor seemed P.O.ed that I didn't answer. I called him back right away, and I said sorry for missing his call and he said "You should really answer your phone because YOU are the one who called me needing help." I said sorry again and told him I wasn't at home and it was a little crazy, but he just said, "So what is the problem?" I explained the situation and he asked me how much medicine I was on and just seemed bothered by me calling. He later asked what pharmacy he should send the prescription to, and I looked through my purse frantically, to try to find a bottle with a phone number on it, feeling the pressure, but couldn't find one and said "I'm really sorry but i can't find the number! I know where the pharmacy is though!" He replied even more ticked off and said, "I don't carry a phone book with me and I am at a show with my family. Next time you call someone you need to answer your phone and have the pharmacy number...call back in 2 hours WITH the number and i will see what I can do" I started to cry at this point. He was rushing me and making me feel so stupid.. It was horrible! If only he knew all I had been through to get this far only to get shot down.. it didn't feel very good. Brett sat with me as I cried and prayed for me and I felt a little better..

Brett called him 2 hours later with the number because I couldn't deal with it. I finally got some meds.

Brett's car also died today. BOO. He was driving to the church and it just stopped moving forward, so he drove in reverse the rest of the way! Luckily we only live a mile away. Phew! Just another thing to add to the growing list of things we have to spend money on, money we don't exactly have. It is scary you know? We are REALLY learning how to Trust and Rely on Jesus in this time. I know everything will work out, but it sucks to go through it.

I mean, He provided a place for us to live just this past week! We found out our lease was supposed to be up in August but we didn't know about it until this month. We have been paying month to month, and have to be out by the end of January!! AHHH! Brett's dad offered that we stay at his Empty 4 bedroom house since he isn't using it because he lives in Florida. He is letting us stay there for a really great price, and I am just thankful we will have a place to live.

Celebrating a New Year with my Best Friend

2010-01-01T07:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, New Years Eve, was the best night I've had in a LONG time. I spent the evening with my Best Friend, Brett Evans.

I was nervous about venturing out, but I'm glad I did! We used gift cards and went to Carraba's Italian Grill at Polaris. Who doesn't love a free meal??? As we waited, I was starting to feel sick and felt nervous that we might have to go home.. I didn't say anything to Brett, but later we talked about it, and he said he could tell I was feeling sick, but didn't say anything about it either! I ignored that I was feeling sick and We just tried to talk about other things until our drinks and some DELISH bread with dipping oil came out. I literally ate all the bread except for 2 pieces!! Brett got a Steak (a rarity these days! He loves steak!) with mashed potatoes and Spaghetti! I got the MOST wonderful salad with all kinds of goodies in it like hunks of Carrots, celery, tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, and olives! It definitely conquered my veggie craving! :)

Not only was the food wonderful, our conversations were really wonderful as well. We laughed and shared stories and said the quote from Nacho Libre "Everything you just said is MY favorite thing!" A LOT. It was really nice to have some quality face time, where we could just relax and reflect about the past year. What a wonderful year it was!

*Random story: When I went to the restroom and was washing my hands, I could see the woman next to me staring at my medicine pump. Somehow I knew she was going to say something, and she said "Is that a monitor?" and i said "actually it is a medicine pump" She said "Oh" and I continued to explain to her I was pregnant and have had really bad nausea and vomiting and lost over 10 pounds so my doctor put me on this pump to give me meds so I can hold down food. She asked me "You're Pregnant?How far along are you?" and I told her "15 weeks" and she said "well it should be getting easier from here! I was really sick when I was pregnant, and I wish I had something like that. In the meantime, eat all you want to eat! You're so thin!" We said our goodbyes and she said "Have a happy New Year. You have a lot to look forward to this year" How funny is that?!? I was actually surprised in a good way that she asked me that question, and wished that it were that easy to talk to people you don't know in general.

After Carraba's we went to Easton to watch Sherlock Holmes (we had ANOTHER gift card! yay!). Brett got us some Cherry Pepsi (my fave) and we got some great seats and enjoyed the movie. It was nice to just be next to each other, holding hands, and looking at each other with wide eyes when a good part happened. It was like going on a first date in a way.. We haven't done that in sooo long!

After the movie we came home and watched the News like an old married couple and watched the ball drop together and kissed like a young couple. :) It was the latest I'd been up in a while and it was really fun!!

Today we are going to the Trauts for the Buckeye Football game! SOO looking forward to some friend time! :)

Sunday we are going to my sis-in-laws for Christmas with my Father-in-law Carl! We haven't seen him in a while (he's been in China!) and it will be fun to hang out with him.

Then Monday another Lord of the Rings day with Alicia!!

We are entering the FUN TIMES

15 weeks Prego Baby!

An out take from out belly photo shoot! Brett kept snapping the photo when I wasn't ready and I feel like this pic captures the emotion well.

A New Year, A New Start.

2009-12-31T09:09:00.000-08:00

As I reflect on this past year, it feels like a blur.. So much has happened! So many changes, challenges, lessons, lots of crying from past wounds, lots of healing, Letdowns, New Love, Blessings, Triumphs...

Here are some Highlights...

-Got a job as a Court Runner at a Law Office downtown
-Got a job as High School Intern at Vineyard Columbus
-Spoke & Co-Led Worship at High School Summer Camp
-Started a High School Small Group called: The Justice League!

-My Niece Chloe was born

-My Nephew Dylan was born

-Made a Music Video to raise awareness about Human trafficking

-Played lots of music and worship

-Wrote lots of music
-Recorded "Awaken Me" with Rick May
-Won an award on Ourstage.com for being in the Top 10 in the Indie Rock Category for "Battle Scars"
-Went to Nashville for GMA's Immerse Conference for musicians
-Got Prego - spent most of that time on Bed Rest

-Grew friendships
-Got an Electric Guitar
-Fell more in love with my husband

-Made cool crafts and Paintings..

I am hopeful that 2010 could be the best yet! A New Year, A New Start. I'm looking forward to: Less sickness, Our new babe will enter the world, We will be moving into a BIGGER and less expensive home (thanks to Brett's dad), The Priceless Music Video will be released and will be playing Priceless at a Human Trafficking event on OSU's Campus in April.

Owls & Trees For Baby's room!

2009-12-29T13:16:00.000-08:00

I spent 2 and a half hours cutting out handmade shapes of owls, owl eyes, owl beaks, and trees while watching Penelope today! I was feeling creative after receiving sooo many cool painting supplies for Christmas from my parents, and I decided to make something for my baby's room! :) All the Colors used in my picture, are the same colors used in my baby's bedding (we got bedding for our last baby that we lost, and decided to keep it and use it again.) and I am soo excited to see what it all turns out like! I had soo much fun creating again!

Since I've been so sick, it's been hard to do ANYTHING. It was so refreshing and fun to do something I love doing again. :)

By the way... today I am 15 weeks Pregnant!! My belly continues to grow and change everyday. It seems like everyday I wake up it is a little bigger, and it is neat! I am finally getting excited about continuing this process of pregnancy.

Here is a pic of me at 14 weeks!!

14 week appointment and all is well pretty amazing!

2009-12-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

I had my 14 week Check in with the doc today, and it went really well!

The nurse looked at me and said, "You look like you are feeling better!" and I said, "Yes! Finally!" I stepped on the scale and let out a "Horraaayy!" when I saw that I gained 3 pounds and the nurse said "good job!". I told her it probably has something to do with the Lasagna kick I've been on these past couple days! :)

We heard our baby's heartbeat again and that was neat! Just to know everything is continuing as normal, even though my situation hasn't exactly been normal, is REALLY comforting. I told Dr. Parker I've been able to eat a lot more (lots of lasagna) and haven't been as nauseated as before, especially since I've been taking the benadryl. He told me it was really good to see me putting on weight. He also told me since I am feeling better, he wants to start weaning me off the zofran medicine pump!! And I said "YAY!"

How exciting is that??!! No more needles, syringes, wires, band aids, bruises, pain and knots! I can finally feel like a normal pregnant person, and not like a sicko outcast. Not saying anyone ever said anything to me, but it is awkward when people stare at the tubes coming out of you and the medicine pump.. it just makes you want to hide! It will be so nice to not have to deal with all of that soon. :)

After the doctors appointment me and Brett made a stop at Taco Bell. Mmmmm, double decker taco's are inspirational! Another happy moment of being able to EAT and not feel sick.. I never thought it would be possible!

Let me just tell you.. this week has been a good one! It's the little things you know? Like Hanging out with Alicia and Brett for a Lord of the Rings and Eggs Benedict morning, Cassie coming to cut my hair and chat (the hair cut has given me some much needed confidence!), Going to starbucks to hang out with the Youth Ministry peeps to celebrate Chris Traut's term as Youth Pastor, reading blogs written by friends like Jenny Sigler and getting pumped up to be a mom :) and talking to my best buddy Emily for an hour about life! ALSO! Beth and Nick Fancher had their baby Jack yesterday, and I was just happy all day! I am so glad I am feeling better for Christmas too! Even though I am not 100% I feel like I will be able to enjoy it much better than I would have 2 weeks ago even!

In other random news, I got my first maternity pants from Gap Maternity (with a gift card) and they are fabulous!

Plus, only 1 more appointment until I find out if it is a Boy or a Girl!

Possible Boy name (thought of by Brett): TRUST - (cuz we've had to Trust God a lot!)
Possible Girl name (also thought of by Brett): IVY -(our fave character in the Village, the blind girl with red curly hair, she is amazing!)

Basically I suck at picking out names, but it's okay because Brett is really creative and good at it! :)

Hope in a bottle..

2009-12-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

I wrote this after our miscarriage of Lily, our daughter..

"I'll put hope in a bottle
and throw it out to sea, to sea
and maybe one day it
will come back to me, to me"

The poem is about the hope of having a child, and trusting that we would have the opportunity again. And sure enough here we are 13 WEEKS pregnant with great hope. Isn't it interesting how God redeems?

Death stings to the core, but there is such JOY in new life.

12 week Baby Appointment!

2009-12-09T01:26:00.000-08:00

Lots of people are asking me how my appointment went yesterday (thank you for asking it makes me happy!), so I thought I'd write it here! :)

I was feeling really sick by the time we got in to see the doctor (which was actually good so I could tell him how I was feeling) because it was beginning to be afternoon. Afternoon is when my body decides it doesn't like being pregnant and makes me super sick! I was eating animal crackers when the doctor came in. he-he.

We talked about how I was feeling and he said that we should wait until I feel a little bit better before I'm weaned off the meds. (thank the Lord) He also said to take Benadryl because it has something in it that helps nausea/motion sickness. (I looked it up online and it is legit) It seems to help take the edge off for sure. He also took me off of Progesterone supplements and said that may help me feel better too.

He also did the little sound monitor to hear the heartbeat, and sure enough as soon as he put it on my belly the heartbeat was just beating away! That was the first time we've actually HEARD the heartbeat and I got quite emotional! It was soo neat!

I am going back again in 2 weeks just to make sure everything is still going well. They just want to stay on top of everything.

Brett drove me to our appointment while he went to work, but before that he got me some goodies at Giant Eagle. I was all worked up and excited and sick after our appointment that I was gagging in the Giant Eagle parking lot! I ate some pretzels, and listened to some Phil Wickham. Ahhhh... Peace. I listened to the song "Beautiful" and had STREAMS of tears running down my face! Tears of joy and thankfulness. It made all of my worries disappear. That no matter what I go through I can do it with Gods help. :)

My amazing conversation with Alicia from the morning also came flooding back and it was a great time of reflection and praise. I was reminded how BLESSED I am. How people like Alicia have encouraged me to keep going and have loved me despite my constant moaning! :)

I still need help/prayer, but I am keeping my eyes on the prize!!! My baby!!! I can't wait to meet my little sweetie. So we wait!

p.s. My mom is still in the hospital and does have infection from the appendix being removed. She has a fever, but they are watching her closely. She might come home today if her fever goes down! Keep praying for her!

BEAUTIFUL- Phil Wickham
"I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful"

Beauty in the Breakdown

2009-12-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

"So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown" Frou Frou

Yesterday started out like a normal day.

Me and mom were chatting it up about cool things happening at the youth group, and brainstorming about the future. You see she's been filling in for me as intern while I've been sick. Just another reason why she is Super-Mom.

She started not feeling so good after eating some smelly turkey and I teased her that that was why she was feeling sick. She kept getting worse as the minutes ticked on. Her abdomen started hurting really bad and I said "dad, should you take mom to the ER to get her checked out?" and he said "Yeah I think we are going to go now." and turned to my mom and said, "What about Berger?" Thinking my dad was asking if she wanted a cheese burger, she daid "No! I don't want a Burger!" In all reality dad was talking about the hospital in Circleville, Berger Hospital! ha!

My dad kept me up to date with Texts. She got a CAT scan and they determined the pain was coming from her halfway removed appendix. She had gotten in removed in 7th grade when surgical proceedures weren't as up to date as they are now and they didn't get all of it. I guess it had swollen up to be the size of an actual appendix my dad said.

They did emergency surgery that night and I was just a mess not being able to be there. I talked to my sister Amy and texted some people to pray. I was feeling REALLY sick too. The more worked up I got the sicker I felt. I ended up throwing up at one point and I haven't thrown up in a while.

I was kneeling by my bed while throwing up, so I took the opportunity to talk to God. I prayed "God be by my mom's bedside tonight. Be with the doctors." It was all I had, but I knew God understood. :)

It feels like I am in the "Breakdown" mode right now. I have been numb for so long just dealing with sickness from day to day but when something like this happens, it knocks the wind out of you. I am looking for the beauty in all of this today. My 12 week appointment is at 10:50 so I'm sure I'll find some there. :)

In the Meantime, Pray for my mom and for my family today. We all need it. We all are feeling a little beat up and broken down.

A little Scare, A Little Squirmy kid! 11-24-09

2009-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

I had a doctor appointment today! It was a mixture of emotions let me tell you what!!

I was REALLY quiet (and a little moody *sorry Brett*) in the car on the way up to the appointment. I was praying and thinking and contemplating a lot of things. It hasn't been an easy road and I was just hoping that I would hear the heart beat of our baby and that everything would be okay.

We got there (my mom came too!) and I was still feeling quiet. Doctor Parker came in the room and commented on my lovely designer medical bag (hehe) and it made me laugh and loosen up a bit. I asked him some questions and he was REALLY helpful!

Then it came to see if there was a heart beat and I started to sweat. He was searching for a heart beat for what seemed like FOREVER. I don't know how long it really was but it seemed like a long time. Everyone was so quiet and I was sweating and holding back tears. He pulled me up and said "I think I heard the heart beat a couple times, but lets do a quick ultra sound just to make sure." With a deer in the headlights kind of look on my face, we proceeded to the ultra sound room. Brett and mom at the perfect moment told me "everything is going to be okay, don't worry"

Tears in my eyes, Dr. Parker did the Ultra sound and I didn't see anything at first, and the the most spectacular thing happened! We saw the shape of a little baby "dancing" and swimming and squirming all around! I started to laugh/cry when I saw it! (I wish I had a video! It was amazing!) Dr. Parker said, "Welp, looks like the heart beat is just fine! Your baby is moving around like crazy!" I laughed again and thanked God. PHEW.

Me and my mom cried and laughed in the car and i felt so much relief that everything was okay! Seeing that baby today, makes everything I've been through SO worth it! :)

Oh ya! I am 10 weeks pregnant! My next appointment is in 2 weeks! yay! :)

11-16-09 Fighting for Love-Life with an IV

2009-11-16T00:58:00.001-08:00

Its been a few days since I've written any updates so I thought I would let you know how things are going now that I have an IV giving me meds. And let me tell you... It came in perfect timing.

I had a REALLY bad night about 3 or 4 nights ago (I was still on Reglan) I lost 3 pounds in one day, I was super dehydrated and my Ketones were 2nd to highest on the scale. (Ketones tell you if your body is eating off of its "Reserves"/fats or not) That was WITH the IV med pump! Can you imagine how much worse it could have been without it? (blah! scary thought) We called the on call nurse several times that night.

The nurses at Alere (The at home care providers) have been ANGELS. Every single lady has gone above and beyond to help me and I am just SO grateful for them!! When this gets a little better I am going to send them a BIG FAT thank you note because of all they have done/helped/supported me! Thank you Jesus for such amazing people.

*It is really funny how my family gets all intense about changing the IV syringe and IV! I must say I was nervous at first, but we are naturals now. :) You have to change the injection site every 2 days ON YOUR OWN (yeah freaky right?!) and last time I had Brett poke me and this past time my dad did it and we both got soo red and started swetting! It was so funny! Such adventures.. I can't wait to share it with my kid one day!

The next day we made the decision to try to switch meds since Reglan wasn't doin' the trick.. SO we switched to Zofran. I went to sleep with Zofran in my system and I didn't wake up ONCE in the night! It was a miracle!! Reglan made me restless and jittery so I was hardly sleeping, so to be able to sleep was amazing. It is still kind of tricky sleeping with an IV in your leg, but I am getting better at it!

I am feeling WAY more optimistic. At one point I wasn't sure if I could make it.. But I feel like this new medicine is really giving me some hope. I still feel so sick, but at least now it is bearable. P.s. today I weighed 123!! I was down to 118 so it is a BIG deal for me to be putting weight back on. Horaay!

I've been thinking about my little one a lot more.. (I didn't feel well enough to even THINK about being pregnant before) I feel like this kid has a great purpose! I mean how could they not? :) I've been fighting for this kid from the beginning and I just can't wait to see what God does with this little one's life.

The song "Why does love always feel like a Battlefield" keeps running through my head.. Not that it has anything to do with my situation, but I was just thinking about how I've been FIGHTING and BATTLING for this kid. I've been almost to the end of myself and LOVE has kept me in this battle. I can't explain it.. It runs so deep, even so early. I will fight for this Child! Thanks for fighting along side of me. You have been a light in a DARK time. :)

LOVE!

Heather

11-10-09 a tough but necessary decision

2009-11-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

Me and Brett had to make a tough but necessary decision yesterday... To receive at home care through IV's to give me medicine (the meds I've been taking just don't work) and fluids.

Dr. Parker HIGHLY suggested the home care to us last week when I went to the hospital, but we were both nervous/skeptical because of the financial costs. Brett finally talked to the financial peeps and then talked to a nurse, and what they offer sounds REALLY good.

Not only will they be giving me medicine and fluids through an IV, they will be consulting me on the foods and calories I should be eating to get me back on track, taking my weight, taking urine samples and other things to make sure I am doing well.

When I heard all of this I cried out of relief. Not the response I was expecting either, but its honestly been misery. I need some sort of relief

They are coming today and I wish they could have come sooner. Last night was ROUGH threw up before bed, and woke up (and still up) at 4 am heaving, and retching for 10 minutes. Exhausted, I am looking forward to meeting the nurse today.

PRAY FOR ME!

Matthew 5
3"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
&
6"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. (AMEN!)

Nov 6- Hardest Days yet..

2009-11-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

**Faint at heart beware of reading*
Yesterday was the hardest day yet... It began with violently throwing up and ended worse.

I woke up yesterday morning and started getting ready for my doc appointment at 8:45am and somewhere in between putting moose in my hair and washing my hands I started throwing up (mostly those painful dry heaves where nothing comes out but you can't stop). Shaking.. I continued getting ready, rolls of tears coming down my face.

We went to the doc and got to meet DR. Parker! I'd only been talking to his FANTASTIC nurse Kathleen through all of my troubles, but it was nice to meet him in person. He was soo nice. He asked me a bunch of questions about how I was feeling (I was holding tight to my pink puke bucket while we talked! haha) and he asked if the Zofran was working to which I replied "Not at all, I threw up before I got here actually." He told me that he wanted to do some blood tests to see if there were any issues with my thyroid or anything like that. He also said he wanted to send me to St. Ann's right away to get some IV fluids.

Me and Brett headed to St. Ann's at 10am and Mary Beth a sweet, sweet nurse hooked me up to an IV, with a little bit of trouble finding my veins. OUCH. It was a long experience but quite pleasant to my surprise because I had some really nice people looking after me! They also gave me some Zofran through the IV and it helped soo much! I didn't feel sick for the first time in a long time. But after a while it started to wear off so they gave me phenergan. When they gave me Phenergan, I got extremely tired REALLY fast. I could hardly walk out of their and almost fainted on Brett! It was kind of comical..

I got home and slept for a good 3 hours. When i woke up I realized I hadn't eaten all day, so Brett make us some Breakfast/Dinner. I ate it and felt decent. My stomach was kind of turning though with some cramping, but I just figured things were just moving around. I ate some raspberries and sunflower seeds, and shortly after that I ran to the bathroom, stomach wrenching and I went to the bathroom (#2) for the first time in I don't know how long. I felt accomplished, until I felt like throwing up.. I threw up all my dinner and sat there praying in between vomiting "God give me strength!..... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!..... You are my refuge....." Doing this gave me a strange amount of peace in my pain. I continued to do this 6 more times minus the puking, but the pain was horrible. I got a small glimpse of what it might feel like to be a chemo patient. Weak as a rag I went back out to lay on the couch and shortly after go to bed. I felt queasy when i went to bed, but I tried not to think about it..

I woke up at 9am to a phone call from my nurse Kathleen. She asked who I felt yesterday and I told her about my ordeal. She said I am soo sorry and said she would tell Dr. Parker. I got a phone call not too much longer later from her again and she said she talked to Dr. Parker and she told me they want to do some at home medicine treatments through an IV, since it seemed to help at the Hospital. I just spoke with them and they are going to try Reglan this time. I am scared, but kind of glad they are doing it. I just can't keep the pills down.. I can't eat or drink much either.

Pray for me in this time. I feel like I am so weak that my body can't take much more. I just want to be healthy not only for me but for my baby. I feel so helpless. I am praying for protection of my little one.

Nov 1st- Where I am now

2009-11-06T09:46:00.002-08:00

What a crazy couple of weeks!! I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.. I have felt the high of finding out we were pregnant, and felt the low of "all day sickness". It hasn't been easy, but anything worth doing never really is!

I started getting sick the day I went to the doctor for my first appointment. I was happy that day, feeling invincible yet again, thinking "I can handle this, no big deal.." I thought it was bad then, but I had NO idea how much worse it was going to get! I spent most of my time on the couch, unable to move or else the horrible inevitability would happen, throwing up all the precious food in my belly, or worse, dry heaving.

Brett was gone at Cloud 9 at the beginning of the worst of it. (It figures! He is almost always gone when I need him!) I didn't have my phone, my parents were on vacation.. I felt completely alone and miserable. I sent a message to my sister on Facebook to reach out to someone. She got back to me and told me she called my AMAZING Grandma Waugh to come get me and take care of me while Brett was gone.

what a God send Grandma Waugh was.. She kept me eating small really good meals, made me tea, and we watched Little Women, Sense and Sensibility and a bunch of LifeTime movies. :) She kept my spirits up for sure!

I went from Grandma's to my parent's house when they got home from vacation. Amy and Chole were up for a week from Nashville, and it was really nice to see them! Chloe is getting so big and is sitting up now! How time flies..

Amy was really awesome taking care of me while mom and dad were at work and she TOTALLY understood because she was horribly sick in her first trimester. It was just really good to be around family in that time because you can just be yourself. Good, bad or ugly. My mom was right there for me when I was throwing up and getting me whatever I needed. Dad made a special trip to McDonalds when I said I wanted chicken nuggets. :) My family is amazing.. I don't know if you can tell that by now!

Needless to say Brett is gone all this weekend as well, but it is okay, because my mom is still taking great care of me! I can hardly eat still.. I've lost 5lbs, but I am feeling better emotionally. I am just SO grateful for my family right now. I don't know what I would have done without them!

Keep praying for me.. My 12 week appointment is November 24th and I feel like I can't make it until then at times, but I know I can do it with people like you encouraging me and my family being here for me like they have!

Oct 22- Update

2009-11-06T09:46:00.001-08:00

UPDATE OCT 22!:

My nurse called me yesterday again and had me come in for an Ultra Sound today to see if everything was alright. I saw my tiny babe's heart beat! It is really small, but it is there! Praise the Lord!

The only bummer (but a blessing) is that I am really sick! I woke up last night at 4 am REALLY nauseated, and when I was getting ready (putting moose in my hair) I started throwing up.. It was kind of funny actually!

Anyways.. thanks for your prayers! I feel them! :)

Heather

Oct 21-Levels-Pray!

2009-11-06T09:45:00.002-08:00

Hello friends!

Sorry for all of these notes, but I just want to keep everyone up to date on what is happening with my prego self. :)

I got a phone call today from a Nurse at Dr. Parker's office letting me know about all of my levels and it looks like my Prego levels are high at 8,973 (yay) BUT my progesterone levels are actually quite low. Progesterone helps thicken the lining of the uterus creating the amniotic sac giving the baby a safe cushion and helps give them nutrients. Also there is a chance of miscarriage if your levels are too low, SO I am REALLY glad they got back to me right away about it.

They are going to prescribe me some progesterone supplements to take at night and that should get me on track! Plus they are going to have me come in for more blood tests in a few weeks before my next appointment so that is really good. I am soo thrilled to have such awesome doctors who actually CARE! It is a blessing. Thank you Jesus!

I know that a lot of women struggle with low progesterone during pregnancy and have been just fine, so I am trying not to worry about it. I know that I am doing all I can and that's all that matters! God is in control. AMEN!

Please pray that Jesus would help me in this time to trust that everything will be okay and that the progesterone supplements will help everything to continually progress. Thanks for all of your support!

Oct 19-1st baby Apt.

2009-11-06T09:45:00.001-08:00

Today was my first Baby doctor appointment, and I must be honest with you, I was a little nervous, but really excited!

I met with the Nurse Practioner and she asked me a bunch of questions about the miscarriage and they were very good at making sure they did specific tests to take sure all my levels were good. They told me it was good I am feeling queazy even though it is not very comfortable, because they know that my hormones are working to keep the baby! Last time I didn't feel sick and that was one of the reasons they knew my levels were getting lower.

Looks like I am 6 weeks pregnant and my possible due date is June 15th! in 5 weeks we will go for our first ultrasound appointment and will find out more about how things are going. The nurse said they will probably do more blood testing too just to make sure my blood levels are still good! I am glad I have great doctors looking out for me and I am really hopeful and getting more excited now.

Praise Jesus for how He redeems.

Keep praying for us!

Heather Evans

Oct 11-Bun in the Oven

2009-11-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hello Dear friends!

I found out some good/scary/awesome news on Friday that I would like to share with you...

I am Pregnant!

I have been feeling weird, missed a period and wanted pizza really bad, so I went to Kroger and Got Pizza and a pregnancy test, and sure enough, two tests being positive, later I am pregnant.

I know what you are thinking.. some of you are thinking "She is sharing this too soon", but I must tell you I have been stewing on when I would tell everyone, and I want to do it now. Let me explain..

When I went through the miscarriage last year I had SOOO much support and I couldn't imagine not telling anyone this time and something bad happening, and going through it alone. NOT that I think it will, but I am being real about it too.

I guess another reason I want to tell you this is so you can pray for me (and for Brett). We have a lot of fear and anxiety. We are reminded of last time and it is really hard to be super happy you know? We need LOT'S of prayer and love in this time.

So it is out...I am nervous, but I am trusting God that He will take care of everything! Be patient with me if I am not "giddy" at first, I just want to be cautious!

Thanks for reading, and for your love and support!

Heather

Child Sex Trafficking in America (Shocking but True) READ

2009-02-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

**I found this on the SHARED HOPE INTERNATIONAL Website it is shocking, but we can stop this! (And We should!)

Children being used by sex traffickers in America range in age from 9 to 19, with the average age being 11 years old. Efforts are being made to rescue them.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) estimates that well over 100,000 children and young women are sex trafficked every day. Many victims are not runaways or kids who have been abandoned but rather have been lured or coerced by clever predators.

Children as Sex Slaves in America
Many Americans often connect human trafficking as being a problem in other parts of the world, such as Thailand, Cambodia, Latin America and eastern Europe. However the reality is that there are thousands of young American girls who have been abducted or lured from their normal lives to become sex slaves. The predators that prey on them are very adept at reading children and knowing what their vulnerabilities are.

Rescuing Children From Prostitution
The FBI has been cracking down on child sex trafficking across the country. ABC7 San Francisco recently reported (10/27/08) that the Agency had led a sweep in that area which resulted in hundreds of arrests and the saving of dozens of children. Cooperating with Bay area police and the California Department of Justice, 642 people were arrested and 47 children were rescued from a life of prostitution.
The FBI sting covered street corners, outcall services, casinos and internet sites.in 27 cities across the country. This sting followed up one done in June 2008, "Operation Cross Country", that arrested 400 people and freed 21 children. What they found was that in the Bay Area of San Francisco, children---often runaways---were reaching out to pimps on social networking. The ways it works is that the predators become friends with the children, giving them a place to stay. The girls then become dependent upon them and are threatened into prostitution, working the streets.

Child Prostitution Crisis
Shared Hope International (SHI) has exposed a nationwide crisis in the U.S. Rueters reported their findings (9/15/08) in 10 diverse locations in the country, indicating the pervasiveness of American children trafficked domestically to meet a demand for commercial sex. According to the survey, which was done with a grant from the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), these children are often misidentified as juvenile delinquents and punished for the crime that is being committed against them.
According to SHI, children who are exploited need special protection because psychological bonding is so intense that a child is likely to run away from a non-secure placement, back to her captor, and continue to be victimized by the trafficker.

The nationwide study found that:
*Between 100,000 and 300,000 children in the U.S. are at risk for sex trafficking each year.
*As many as 2.8 million children live on the streets, a third of whom are lured into prostitution within 48 hours of leaving home.
*12 to 14 is the average age of entry into pornography and prostitution.

National Training on Sex Trafficking of Children
At a conference held in Dallas, Texas, on September 15-16, 2008, SHI released a ground breaking training video that employs surveillance footage, survivor interviews, and expert testimony to educate and inform on how to identify and respond to America's children who are commercially sexually exploited. It reveals how the children are recruited and tricked into prostitution and will assist first-responders in understanding who these victims are and how to identify and serve them.

Whether children are forced or lured into becoming prostitutes as a runaways, a casual encounter in person or on the internet, they are now considered victims rather than criminals. Through the work of the FBI and organizations such as SHI, and with increasingly sophisticated tracking methods, there is hope that the number of children coerced into being prostitution will be reduced and more predators caught and prosecuted.

Abortion... Women's Choice or Women's Regret??

2009-01-27T19:46:00.001-08:00

I've been reading up on Abortion today, and I've come to one conclusion.. Abortion is often filled with regret and horrible trama to those whose "choice" it is to do. Women only understand the short term of "I won't have to deal with an "Unwanted pregnancy"", then later are faced with dealing with the pain and guilt of the anniversary of the day they got the abortion and thinking of how it was their baby's first birthday and didn't get to hold them.. I understand this pain perfectly after having a miscarriage.. I think that is why I am so passionate about this! These women (MOSTLY YOUNG WOMEN) need after care.. For trama, for counseling.. for healing.. I don't really think they know what they are doing, only thinking in the short-term.. selfishly (as we all are at a young age) choosing an abortion thinking all their problems will disappear.

More importantly, the option of abortion needs to be taken away. But until that day comes, they need to have programs to get these women in!!!

I didn't know this but there is a Post Traumatic Disorder associated with abortion.. Sometimes it hits the woman 10 years later in memory flashes, or nightmares.. Researchers say that it is the same Trauma that War Veteran's experience. It's Shocking isn't it?

Here is something I found on a site called www.standupgirl.com. It's a support site for people who have gotten or are thinking about getting an abortion. It is really hard to read (My eyes are still watery), but it really carries weight coming from a young girl who got an abortion herself...

-------
As the end of my senior year approached I felt different something had changed. Sure enough, a baby was growing inside of me. I was 18 and found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after graduating. I went to a clinic and I was 5 weeks pregnant. I was devastated. I cried for hours. I finally told my boyfriend and he was shocked as I was. We talked about what we should do, "what was best for me", and how my parents would react. I had major plans for my future and a scholarship that I had to keep. I thought I was not going to be able to continue my dreams, that a baby will stop me, but most important I thought about what my dad would say and how he would react. So we concluded, I was getting an abortion, I was not sure if I wanted to go through with it, but I convinced myself that it was going to be the best for me and my baby.

I went to the clinic and was in the waiting room with my boyfriend, my heart was pounding and my mind was debating with my heart, "should I do this?" My name was called and I was taken into a cold room. I sat there for about 30 minutes alone, I began crying and gathered myself up and decided I had to go through with it. The doctor gave me 2 pills that stopped hormones going to the fetus, not allowing them to grow, before she gave them to me she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I paused for a while took a deep breath and said yes. I felt normal, ok. The doctor gave me instructions to take four more pills on Sunday, which will cause the abortion.

That Sunday I woke and prayed and took the pills, I felt terrible. I had major cramps. Not only was I hurting physically, but mentally. After everything happened I felt good I didn't really think about it much. But a week later or so I started dying little by little inside. I regretted it. It's been almost one year and til this day I still cry hysterically and punish myself. I hate myself for being so selfish, killing my first. I know I could have done it. I should have listened to my inner voice but I didn't and til this day...I regret it. And it is killing me inside little by little. I don't know what to do.

Regretful
Gabrielle

Some Responses from other women who have gotten abortions....

missmybaby says...

I feel exactly the same way. Today I realized that if I had not had my abortion, my baby would be turning one year old this month. I think about my baby all the time, and miss it all the time, but I haven't cried this hard about it for a long time. All I want is to have my baby back.

valeriemarie1 says...

I feel the same way you do and till this day i cry in the night , cause i knew what i was doing was wrong but i felt so helpless , my child would have been 2 this coming jan and just to think of it it still brings tears to my eyes , but i promised myself after that i would never do it again and now i have a beautiful baby little boy to show for it , and i know he not my real first child but he has all the love i can give and more , and i still think time after time what if that child was still here and wonder but then i look at my son face and i stop my wondering ,all i want you to know is that sometimes we do things we shouldnt have but we make up for them in our future .

2009

2009-01-07T15:59:00.001-08:00

I feel like I am on the water fall edge of something amazing. I feel my heart coming alive day by day. My mind is refocusing. My will to DO something is increasing. A New Year, a New start. AMEN!

Do you ever feel like your life is like all these puzzle pieces scattered every where and you have no idea when they will ever come together? I have felt like I am a 10,000 piece puzzle these past few months.. Like nothing I do comes together. So much caos and confusion.

Okay let me get to the point here....

A few days ago I got a CD. Phil Wickham's "Cannons".

I know what you are thinking.. "I totally saw him at Jhouse's Breathe Festival, and have all his cd's. He is fantastic. I've known about his music forever.. Get with the program!!" To that I would say, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT HIS MUSIC?? I have soo been missing out!"

I started listening to the CD and listening to the words.. Chills upon chills later I was hooked. I believe God was reaching out to me through each song. Taking me to a deeper level of how I think about God and his relationship with us. (LISTEN TO LOVE SONG and you will see what I mean) I listened to Cannon's at work over and over. I felt stronger and stronger, making the songs my prayers. A puzzle piece of understanding God's love came together in those moments. I tried not to cry with joy over my astonishing discovery of God and His amazingness. Great moments..

I then listened to a sermon by Rich Nathan. Boy did that speak to me too! Tugging on my heart strings God spoke to me loads. Freeing me up of some stuff I've been dragging around with me.

One of the things I've been dragging with me is depression. Depression and me have been taking punches at each other for a while, and I am not saying that I've beaten it, but feeding my heart with "good stuff" instead of feeding it with even more depressing songs and things has GREATLY helped. *The puzzle piece of hope snaps together.*

I just happen to be speaking at the Youth group in 2 weeks about Music, and I think it is funny that God is totally using music to help me right now.. That is one cool little puzzle piece that is coming together.

Another amazing puzzle piece that is coming into place soon is that I am going to a seminar at the vineyard about sex trafficking of children and women in Columbus, and what we can do to stop it. I don't know if you know this or not, but a while ago I found LOVE146.org. it made my heart want to do something about child sex trafficking, then Rich Nathan the very next week talked about LOVE146.org and about the seminar and I knew I had to go! Neato.

I think the neat thing about puzzles is that it is really overwhelming when you see all the pieces scattered everywhere, but over time you start seeing shape and seeing more of what the pieces are supposed to make up. I don't know what all the pieces of my life are going to make but I hope at the end of my life me and Jesus and look back and see something beautiful. I can almost picture Him saying "Heather remember when I helped you find that piece?" He is that kind of God. He is amazing.

TRUE LOVE *Lyrics*

Come close listen to the story
About a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers Broken Heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Search your heart you know you can't deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave His only Son just to save us

The Earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt The Fathers broken heart
Tears were filling Heaven's Eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Jesus is alive
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that True Love died, The day that True Love died

Come close listen to the story

I am weak He is strong.

2008-12-13T22:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a great night. The music at the Hear the Cry benefit show fed my soul. Sometimes it is nice to just soak in those beautiful moments and reflect. In my reflections I have realized my soul has been weakened. The events of this past year have made me weak in a way I never wanted to experience.

The events of this past year have also made me stronger in my faith. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." We serve and follow the invisible God. He is unseen. Yet you can see His handy work everywhere. He is in everything.

Sometimes it is hard to want to do the faith thing. Sometimes isn't it just easier to get that physical satisfaction from your Ipod or from an episode of the Gilmore Girls? Yet when you turn the ipod off or finish watching episode 4 of season 2 of the Gilmore Girls, you still feel empty, you still feel a void. I am familiar with the void. Aren't we all? We try everything to fill that God shaped hole in all of us. The hole only gets larger with time. We need Jesus to fill the voids. And He does if you invite Him in.

I was left with a big void this year when we lost our baby. A void that I tried filling with TV, Work, Busyness, music.. The void grew and I was completely numb, yet if I were to think of the horrible things that happened, I was sent cascading downward in an instant.

What is your void? What are you filling it with? We are all weak. But it is okay..

I am weak and He is strong. This truth has carried me through these past months. I AM weak He IS strong. I don't have to worry about being strong, because He is strong for me. I am definitely not strong so that is really good news for me! When I am too weak to stand He will carry me. He is carrying me. Day by day, Battle by battle. He will carry me, He will rescue me.

That is my hope, that is my faith. Emmanuel, God IS with us.

AMEN

Hear the Cry Benefit TONIGHT at Vic's

2008-12-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

TONIGHT a few musical hometown heroes are getting together for a cool cause called HEAR THE CRY. Hear the Cry is an amazing Columbus based organization that is fighting HIV/AIDs in Africa. They are helping mom's and babies by giving them formula, daily needs and a type of medication that stops the spread of AID's from mother to baby. What a cool way to give this holiday season!

Though we can't meet them in person TONIGHT we are standing along side of the mothers, babies and people who are facing this scary disease ALONE and saying "WE HEAR YOU, WE SEE YOU, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, YOU ARE NOT ALONE." I get goose bumps just thinking about it! Visit www.hearthecry.org to read more!

THE DETAILS:

Saturday (TONIGHT)
@ Victorian's Midnight Cafe- 251 W 5th Ave. Columbus, Ohio
@8pm
$5 goes to Hear the Cry

Musical Guests include:
Jeff Anderson
Heather Evans
Richard Jordan
Jason Turner
Jesse Cale Burkett
and Chris Junker

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TIME!

Heather Evans!

The Litigation Department (my new job!)

2008-12-10T19:28:00.001-08:00

Yes, it is true. I work in the Litigation department at Cheek Law Offices! (sounds fancy huh?)

It has been a crazy couple of days with lots of learning and growing. The first day went so fast I remember feeling like all the information I had just learned went in my right ear and out my left! I was learning things I had never heard of before, and it was hard to not feel silly when I didn't know what the name of the department I worked in was. I mean come on, do YOU know what Litigation means?

Luckily, I work with some really cool people.
Lucy is a dear lady who welcomed me from the first moment I got there. She asked me questions about myself and we had a great conversation getting to know each other. It was easy to do because we were sitting next to one another. Heather and Randa are equally sweet. Heather is soft spoken but gets her word in and Randa always eats lunch at her desk (thats an inside joke) and is such a sweet spirited gal! I love how each person's personality comes out at different times through out the day. Cindy or Cynthia is 7 months pregnant. She is a little woman with a big attitude! In a good way. She is so funny and she really helped me understand everything the first day. She is the go to girl with all the answers that is for sure.

The view is amazing!!!!!!!! We have a HUGE window in our room that looks out on the city. We are on the 12th floor and you can see the big nativity scene (it looks small from where we are) right below on the street! Plus a huge steeple of a beautiful church. it is so neat.

I am learning all kinds of lawish lingo like RFA's, FTC's, SCRA, Service, Muni, and on and on.. It is really interesting but there is a ton of paper work! I sort through a lot of it so I have to know what is up with all the "docs" or documents. :)

I feel a little smarter and I feel like I am growing up. :)

I look more grown up too.

You have to dress nice every day since it is a lawyers office, and it is kind of weird for me. But an interesting thing is happening.. I am getting more responsible! Who would of ever thought, me Heather Evans could grow up. Peter Pan will be angry, but it is kind of awesome.

Plus my sister gave me a bunch of her work clothes to wear while she is pregnant! It is the most awesome thing in the world to be able to raid your sisters closet and her not get mad!!!

Me and My mom eat lunch together everyday and it is nice to have a familiar face there. She tells me the inside scoop too. :)

Okay this is weird! There is a guy in my mom's department who looks exactly like Brett (same build, same hair, same head) and it scared me to death one day because I thought Brett was at my work! I think that is kind of funny and made me laugh out loud.

More to come..
HEATHER

I got the job on the spot?! Praise Him!

2008-12-03T13:59:00.001-08:00

WOW! Today has been a whirlwind of crazy events leading up to my new position at Cheek Law Firm! God=amazingness..

So here is the shakedown..

I got a call from my mom this morning and she said that her boss would be willing to meet with me today at 3 (yikes! that was quick!). My mom told me her boss already has 50-60 applications for the job but that because my mom recommended me highly, she would interview me immediately! (GULP!)

Yes, I was nervous.

So I went to Brett's work at the Vineyard and they were decorating Chris Traut's Office for his b-day this Friday. I got some coffee and hung out with everyone for a bit and asked if they would pray for me. I got some sweet prayer from Brett, Kevin, Sarah Hyatt, and Alicia S. I left feeling more confident than when I first entered.

I listened to Copeland in the car, and followed the directions carefully to the looming overhead motorist building. I was greeted at the from desk by DJ and she gave me a cool little sticker to get me to the 12th floor. I got off the elevator and met Anna at the desk and she called Toni to let her know I was there. When Toni came to get me, she welcomed me warmly and we headed straight to the conference room for the interview.(IT HAD A FANTASTIC VIEW OF THE CITY which I gladly pointed out) I had to remind myself to breathe, and settled in a little more once I found out how gracious and nice Toni was.

The first thing she asked me was to tell her a little about myself, and I told her about Brett my husband, where he works and where we live, my past job at Starbucks and my music career.
She explained to me about the positions they needed filled and asked me which one I would be interested in. I told her I would prefer the job that is 30 hours a weeks 10-4(I forget the name of the department I would be working in, but it starts with an L) filing, scanning, mail and documents.

She paused for a second and said, "I don't usually do this, but when can you start?" I replyed in shock, "As soon as possible I guess!" She gave me all the paper work and talked a little more. She showed me around the office and I met everyone and saw all the different departments and it was neat.

My mom called me when she got off and said that Toni was thankful and giddy when she talked to her and she doesn't usually act like that. Praise the Lord for His favor.

SO I start Monday. I am ready to learn something new. I am grateful, I am confident, and I am humbled by how all of this happened! Only by the hand of Jesus friends could any of this happen. I am telling you yesterday this wasn't even on the radar for me! Then all of a sudden God puts everything together for me! He has proven Himself to me that when you trust Him, He will come through. May He do even more than this!

Heather

New Job Interview

2008-12-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

I am a little nervous right now because at 3pm today I am going downtown for a job interview at a Law Office my mom works at. My mom told the manager there about me and she really likes my mom and wanted to get me in for an interview right away! AHH! I am happy that I may get a new job, but I am nervous that I might be awkward. haha

The other night I had an epiphony in bed. I realized I am kind of down on myself and put a lot of limitations on myself and the things I am able to do. (Like I am not smart enough, I am not able to handle situations well, I need better people skills etc.) I realized I have a lot of fear of change and stepping out, and it keeps me from doing the things God wants me to do. I prayed that God would take away my fear and help me to be bold. It is weird how you just go through the motions of life then all of a sudden you realize what you are doing and how it is hurting you. God revealed it to me and is slowly taking it away! Then the job happened to test it out. Kind of interesting huh? Heather, Do you still question God is looking out for you/ in control? Okay NO!! I know He uses these moments to practice/test what we have learned.

SO here I go..

I am stepping out into the unknown with Jesus at my side.

Heather

2 Year Anniversary Celebration!

2008-12-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the perfect day. Brett has Mondays off and it was perfect because Monday was our 2 year anniversary! :)

I opened my eyes that morning only to have Brett's beautiful blue eyes looking at me! I know it sounds kind of funny, but it was cute. Brett immediately got up and started making breakfast, and when I tried to come out of the room he was like "YOU CAN'T COME OUT HERE! I HAVE A SURPRISE!" So I went into the computer room and did a little surprising myself in for of a card. (I love making cards!)

When I finally came out of the room, I saw our Christmas Tree!!!! He put up the tree for me! It was really nice because I HATE putting it up, but LOVE decorating it! (It looks beautiful!) We ate a marvelous Breakfast/Lunch (Bacon, French Toast, Apples and Coffee) and Started getting ready for the day!

I helped Brett pick out a fabulous outfit, and went to the Cheesecake Factory at Easton! We had a $50 gift card so we ate Fantastically! Dinner was so fun. We talked about our favorite moments through the past years, Favorite Holiday Song (Brett: O Holy Night Heather: ALL OF THEM!),most embarrassing moments (Brett: Pooping the Bed on our Honeymoon Heather: Farting), and things we want to do better this year (Brett: Do everything a tiny bit better Heather: Be more clean). It was wonderful. If you ever do an anniversary date, you have to play this game! It brings out a lot of fun conversations.

After Cheesecake Factory we went to Barns and Noble for some Starbucks Coffee (It was closer than the other starbucks) and talked some more. We enjoyed our beverages and the company and made our way back, arm in arm out into the cold.

When we got home, we got all "Suited up" for the ZOO LIGHTS! I wore Brett's jeans because Mine were too tight with extra layers underneath! It was kind of funny.

We got to the Zoo lights and took in the Wonder.

We saw a Tiger, a Lepord, penguins, tropical birds, manatees, monkeys cuddling and more! We stayed for 2 hours and it seemed like 2 minutes. It was lovely because the whole time we were there it was lightly snowing.

We went to Kroger after the Zoo and got Eggnog, Sparkling Grape Juice (for me), popcorn and a movie (Fred Claus) at the Dollar box. When we got home we turned on the Tree and put the movie in and enjoyed our goodies! We made Sugar cookies too! The movie was really good, and we were sad when the night was over. 12am was the exact time when the movie ended and it felt like the Cinderella moment at the ball. Everything had to end for today until tomorrow when we see each other again. It was so fun.. Best anniversary date yet! :)

Our one year anniversary date was horrible! We were both really quiet and had a fightish at dinner. It was not fun, so I am glad this year went really well! We have grown so much since last year though.. It was really dumb what we were being so awkward about last year.. haha!

Well that's it!

2008-11-26T03:19:00.000-08:00

I found out about this through Paramore, an amazing band. This is the story of LOVE146, an organization dedicated to abolish Child sex slavery.

The Statistics are staggering..
*2 Children per minute are trafficked for sexual exploitation
*1.2 million Children are trafficked anually
*32 Billion Dollars is generated from human trafficking each year

To get involved go to www.Love146.org.

--------
The number pinned to her dress was 146...

In 2002, the co-founders of Love 146 travelled to South East Asia on an exploratory trip to determine how they could serve in the fight against child sex trafficking. In one experience, there was an invitation to change the world. to transform a reality that cannot stand. Our male co-founders were taken undercover with investigators to a brothel, where they witnessed children being sold for sex. This was their experience. This is the story that changed our lives.

"...standing shoulder to shoulder with predators in a small room. looking at little girls through a pane of glass. all of the girls wore matching red dresses. they stood, blankly watching cartoons on tv. they were vacant, shells. there was no light in their eyes, no life. to be missing this was shattering. this light has been stolen, this life has been stolen. she is raped each night. seven, ten, fifteen times each night. she is raped. she is thirteen, eleven, five-years-old. cigarette burns cover her back. scars we cannot see, cannot conceive of, cover her. everywhere. envelop her. there was one girl. one girl who wouldn't watch the cartoons. number 146. she was looking beyond the glass. she was staring out at us. her piercing stare. there was still fight left in her eyes. there was still life left in her...

...all of these emotions begin to wreck you. break you. it is agony. it is aching. it is grief. it is sorrow. the reaction is intuitive, instinctive. it is visceral. it releases a wailing cry inside of you. it elicits gut-level indignation. it is unbearable.

…i remember wanting to break through the glass. to take her away from that place, to juggle as many of them as I could into my arms. to take all of them away. wanting to break through the glass. to tell her to keep fighting. to tell her that we were coming for her…"

To break through the glass would have been to react instead of respond. it would only have postponed their suffering. a temporary and immediate solution cannot address this crisis, this emergency. the reality is dark, it is global. the numbers overwhelming. the words of those who have survived, we cannot forget.

"I was in that brothel for 3 years and for 2 of them I never saw the sun. They never let me out. I was in a little room and there was no window.
I was only eight and my sister was four when we were sold into the brothel."

It was in Thailand, where our co-founders encountered child 146, that our work began. Our projects have since expanded to Cambodia, the Philippines, India and soon Sri Lanka. The countries within which we work are among the predominant centers of the child sex trafficking and slavery industry. The governments of these countries consistently fail to comply with minimum standards for the elimination of trafficking. Thailand is widely recognized as a hub of sex tourism; Cambodia is without a comprehensive anti-trafficking law, legislation has been in the drafting process for the last 7 years; The Philippines saw only one conviction of a trafficker in the past year; India is home to 2 million child sex workers between the ages of 5 and 15, it is estimated that an additional 500,000 children are forced into the sex industry each year.

The story of Love146 needs an end.

"Wallow"-a Gilmore reference

2008-11-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

So the episode where Loreli tries to get Rory to "wallow" in the pain of her recent break-up with Dean came to my mind just now. She tells Rory to get a bucket of icecream, lay in bed all day, cry it out.. Yesterday I had a grand time wallowing! :) Although I wasn't breaking up with a beloved boyfriend, the emotion is the same. Hurt, Grief, and the thought that nothing will be the same.

Rory and I are similar in the fact that we didn't want to wallow right away.. We refused to in fact. It was just too hard to deal with it, so no wallowing.. Life has to go on. the thought of I just want to be normal or If I stop here I will drown in grief for heaven sakes!

Rory says, "MOM LEAVE ME ALONE!" Heather says, "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Then I realize today is my due date. "Today is the day I would have met my baby. Today is the day most moms take their baby home from the hospital."-- I don't get any farther before the excessive tears come..

The wallowing Begins

I cried all night.

I cried when I woke up the next morning.

I went back to sleep.

Slept for hours more.

Ate whatever I wanted to eat. (popsicles instead of icecream for me!)

I read Hans Christian Anderson.

I read www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com (Cried MORE tears)

I wallowed. I missed. I wondered. I agonized. I cried more.

Today when I woke up I feel the scar. I see it in my eyes. A beautiful reminder that I have a daughter. That I experienced something more amazing in the few months I was with her than I ever have in a lifetime. "She's opened my eyes to see, that there is more to life than this". I am better and worse because of it. I am stronger and weaker because of it..

After reading www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com I was reminded that Jesus was left with scars too. A beautiful reminder of the suffering he went through for love.

AMEN.

Due Date

2008-11-18T19:11:00.000-08:00

So today is the due date of our little girl Lily who we lost this past Easter. I didn't realize it until just recently actually.

These past couple of days have been so awesome! I wasn't planning on going to the Youth Pastor's round table with Brett, but something kept me there.. I was just supposed to do worship and leave, but the people were so awesome and encouraging and the topics were riveting and I just couldn't leave!! :0) God was speaking in some powerful ways.. He spoke to me in some powerful ways. I also got some sweet prayer from Heather and Alton.. And man, god spoke to me so deeply. PERFECT TIMING.

I met a really cool couple, The Applegates, and Tara went through a miscarriage in 2003 and now has 2 adorable children. She said that I had been on her heart the last couple days, and we were able to share our experiences. We both had some similarities to our situations and it was really cool to talk and share with her. We both watered up as we spoke of our unborn children.. Toward the end she asked if I had past my due date yet, and I said "well, I don't know.. It's November 18th, has that date past yet?" Not knowing today is November 18th. eee..

I just told Brett as I was writing this my revelation about today, and I didn't realize I would, but I began to gush with tears! Phew.. The whirlwind of events that has happened.. It seems like just yesterday and years ago all that the same time. I realized it is still a very tender and sore area that needs constant healing and attention. One minute I can talk about it with ease and the next my heart is so heavy I can't say a word without bawling my eyes out in a way that is really embarrassing! (the ugly cry) Everyday I get a little more healed and everyday I discover I am completely a mess all at the same time!

God is so faithful through it all.. I kind of quit pressing into Him in the mess of all of this. I just got so tired.. Not that we quit talking completely, but I just didn't spend the quality time we used to. I quit going to services.. I quit reading my bible and waiting on Him.. I quit investing in people.. I quit singing.. I quit writing.. I just kind of shriveled in my hurt, ya know? But man these past couple of days and weeks my heart is getting back to where it was and better than before! I feel like I am hearing God's voice again! Not that I didn't hear it during all of this, I just quit listening.. I forgot how amazing it is to hear from Him and really worship Him. I got my voice back, my song writing back, my passion for people and for things back.

Today is still a struggle in every way. Tomorrow will be too. But I know God has something for me in all of this. He is showing His glory through it all. That being said.. pray for me and Brett today. Pray for other mom's and dad's who have lost their little ones too. They need our prayers! :)

Heather

God will find you out.

2008-09-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today I have come to realize one thing.. God will find you out. No matter how much you try to sweep the hidden stuff under that rug of yours, He will always be the kind God He is and bring it out for you to deal with. It hurts at first, but "there is beauty in the breakdown" -Frou Frou.

The miscarriage of our daughter Lily, has been the single most hard thing I've ever been through. I've realized I often sweep the stuff from the miscarriage under my rug. I don't want to deal with it.. I often think about it and I am immobilized, unable to do daily life.

Yesterday I played worship at a church in Reynoldsburg, Ohio, and a woman (also named Heather) came up to me with a word that hit me right in the gut. She said "I looked at you and saw the word baby.. and felt like it had lots of meanings for you.." When she said that I said "Yep that is for me! Me and my husband recently lost our baby and I just found out my sister is pregnant and it has been difficult to see her be pregnant even though I am truly happy for her at the same time." When she prayed for me I just kept thinking about how AMAZING God is. I was carrying this huge weight on my shoulders and He graciously took it from me. He is such a good God who sees us in our suffering even when we don't want to see it.

Then, today a kind woman told me a beautiful encouragement. She said my baby is with Jesus in heaven as is her babies that she lost. She teared up as she talked, and I was again amazed how God spoke to me yet again through someone I was just randomly talking to. God wants to see us healed and whole and to talk to Him about what we are dealing with. He HONESTLY cares..

I am amazed.

H e a t h e r

more unfuness

2008-03-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was another very UNFUN night. I tried to sleep in bed as normal, and ended up waking up at 2am with cramping and bleeding.. I watched some random stuff on tv and finally decided to wake Brett up. I felt that maybe (heck I have tried everything) I was constipated?? (haha sorry if this is graphic! Sometimes when you are pregnant, your hormones make you really constipated) So we went out to walmart at 4 am and got some pregnancy friendly meds for constipation. (honestly, I don't think it is truely constipation that is making me cramp, but one would try anything to make the pain stop.)

Brett stayed up with me and held me as I was in pain. He rubbed my legs, prayed with me and just comforted me. Lots of other not so cool stuff happened.. but I won't go into that here. We won't find out til monday if everything is okay, that is what is frustrating.. the waiting. I keep looking online for my symptoms and it is never pleasant. So I stopped with that!

I am hopeful though. Really Hopeful.

Plenty of people bleed and cramp and are totally fine in their pregnancy.. And I just keep thinking about seeing the ultra sound yesterday.. knowing that baby is still there, and probably is still there..

Thank you for your prayers, love and support. I am trying to keep everyone in the loop just so you know where I am at.. not to bum you out. I am in great need to prayers right now, emotionally and physically.

With love and great hope!

H e a t h e r

Baby Update

2008-03-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

Today has been exhausting, but there is hope!

I was soo worried out of my mind this morning remembering the phone call I has with the doc at 1 in the morning.. The words "you may be miscarrying" ringing in my ears.. I slept little to none last night.. when I woke in the morning I cried and cried and prayed God would help me. I called my amazingly lovely boss Andi, and told her what was happening.. I said maybe 5 words and began to cry, and she said "heather, we'll take care of it, we'll fix it.." I said thank you and we hung up. She is soo nice and sweet.

I met with my doctor (I am so greatful for her!) and she did and ultra sound to make sure baby is still hanging in there, and sure enough, he/she was still there! I had so much hope when i saw the precious little dot on the ultrasound I am still having cramping and bleeding, and she said we will have to wait and see what happens, SO LET'S PRAY MY FRIENDS! I go back the 31st for another check up.

I thanked DR. Mini for giving up her time to meet with me even when she didn't have to. You can honestly tell she cares about me and the little life inside of me. What a great lady! I also grateful for my mom, dad, Brett, and all of my other family and friends who have checked up on me and loved on me in this emotional time. Thank you..

H e a t h e r

Prayers are needed..

2008-03-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

As you may know I've been having some spotting or bleeding that has been worry some. Today (Thursday) I've had cramps to go along with the bleeding, and I may be in danger of miscarrying.

I called my sweet sweet doctor at 1 am and she fit me in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 9:30am even though she is NOT supposed to work. :) Pray that everything goes well and that it is nothing. I am not worrying, but I am not feeling so hot.. Plus I am supposed to work at 10:45-2:45 tomorrow and it is kinda not fun to think about right now. Pray I can get my shift covered..

H e a t h e r

4 to 5 weeks prego instead of 8?! OOPS!

2008-03-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday me and B went to the OBGYN for our first baby appointment! To be honest with you, I had much anxiety about the visit and here is why...

The day before the appointment (monday) I had a little scare.. I was spotting or bleeding (not much, but still) and it freaked me out! I cried and cried and finally worked up the courage to call the doctor. I talked to one of the nurses, and she was soo sweet with me. She explained the whys about what was happening and none of them were as scary as I thought they would be.

I went to the Doctor (tuesday) for my previously scheduled appointment, and it went really well. It seemes we are not as far along as we thought! We knew this by the ultrasound. She measured the little dark spot, that is our baby, and it was only .75cm!! Hehe. She said we are approx. 4 to 5 weeks along according to the measurement. We are scheduled to come back in two weeks to make sure everything is progressing okay.

I got a couple of viles of blood taken, and I am going back Thursday to give more to see if my hormone levels are raising okay. I love my doctor! She is soo nice and down to earth and willing to explain everything to us. It is soo nice! :)

More adventures in babies to come!

H e a t h e r

Bun in the Oven

2008-03-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

So yesterday started a whirlwind of fun and excitement!

I was feeling a bit funny, so I decided to take a pregnancy test I had in my medicine cabinet. I waited for the results, and realized I had thrown away the box (like a month ago) with all of the results I needed! As the face of the test showed 2 blue lines, I was left with soooo many questions!! I called Brett and told him what happened and we spent time on the internet trying to find out if the two lines meant I was pregnant or not. We found a picture that seemed convincing and decided we WERE in fact pregnant!

The next day after work, I got a digital test just to be certain, and to my everlasting joy, it read in clear letters "Pregnant" I called Brett right away and be was so happy! Then I called my mom and she laughed and cried!

I called the doctor right away, and went to the office, and found out once again I was truly pregnant! Not only that, but we determined from my menstral cycle that I was about 6weeks pregnant. And that he or she will be born (approx.) October 25th 2 days before my b-day! :) Yay! What a truly amazing birthday gift, ya know?

I am feeling quite queasy, my boobs hurt, and I am sooo tired, but I am seriously the happiest I've felt in soo long! :) It was just what I needed today.

Pray for me, my hubby and our little one!

Yay!

H e a t h e r