Session 3- a precious moment

Session 3 with Teresa was amazing. I basically just shared with her my week of processing and cried a TON. 

One of the moments will forever stick out to me. Teresa stopped what we were talking about and said, "Heather, about 15 minutes ago I felt like God wanted me to tell you that He wanted to give you a picture of what Lily (my daughter we lost in a miscarriage) looks like NOW and I know he is going to give it to you. Let's pray." I got goose bumps INSTANTLY! I knew He was going to give it to me too.. Because for some reason before then, I could never picture her face. She was always just out of view in my head, and I LONGED to be able to see what she looked like.

As I closed my eyes to pray, I literally saw her face almost immediately. Blond flowing hair, bright blue piercing eyes, chubby cheeks and a big grin on her face. I cried aching tears. Teresa asked me what she looked like and through rolling tears I told her. She asked what she was doing and I told her, still sobbing, "I was behind her, and she was holding hands with Jesus walking. She turned around and locked eyes with me smiling and waving at me. She looked so happy..." I was amazed. What a precious moment! I will never forget it..

After talking with her about my feelings of not getting to burry her and feeling like it is less real because of that, I think I want to either get a bench at a park in honor of her or a small grave stone. Just a place I can visit and think.. Something to finalize everything.

My mom told me something that also made me cry. She said that after her Grandma died it was really hard for her, and she just wanted to talk to her. She realized that she couldn't talk to her personally, but if she prayed to Jesus, He could tell her Grandma whatever she told him. I thought that was cool and we both cried thinking about it..

I also shared with Teresa that the way I process through grief, hurt and heal is through song writing. I wrote 1 song 2 days after I miscarried. I shared the words with her and shared some other words from other songs I've written. She asked me if I had ever thought about making a CD about Grief and Healing, and I told her when I was going through everything I actually thought about it. She said that a lot of her clients would be interested in it, and that processing with music is really helpful to the soul. I told her that was definitely true in my situation and that I do eventually want to record all the songs I wrote in that time. It will have to be God's timing for sure, and I will continue to pray for provision as I start to make it! He always provides a way!

Healing is exhausting... The wound I covered is exposed again, but I am resting in the hope that Jesus, the GREAT healer, will tend to my wounds with great tenderness. He has been so sweet to me in this time. 

Last weeks processing

So this past week was NUTS! I find when I am really busy like I was this past week, it gives me less time to think, then when everything calms down, I am left with a FLOOD of thoughts. There were some sweet moments though that kind of caught me by surprise.

Here's one.. I was at the International Justice Mission Gala and performed, and this really nice man and woman asked if I had a CD. We talked for a while about my music and they encouraged me LOADS. We split ways, then later the man came up to me again after reading the inside of my CD where I had written about Lily, our daughter we lost, and he said with the most sincere look on his face,  "I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, that must have been really difficult.." I just smiled and said "thank you so much... I really appreciate that. You know, it was a really hard time, but it really helped me appreciate all that I have now, and I know I will see her again and that gives me great hope as a mom."

That moment caught me by surprise. I felt the strange emotion of feeling proud that I have another child.. That I am a mother of TWO, not just one. God keeps re-affirming that for me in small ways and it is really healing. Because I often feel sad that I didn't get to burry my daughter.. Just because I had a miscarriage, does that make her any less real? No, not to me. She is as real to me as Trust. It is hard ya know? 

I remember right after I had miscarried I was at church on Mother's Day, a pretty rough day for me at the time, and Rich asked if all the Mother's in the audience would stand. I remember standing proudly and crying my eyes out. I'm sure the people around me were wondering why I was crying so hard, but I didn't care. I was a mom, and I was proud. :)

My cousin Melody wrote this really amazing song for her baby she lost that I often listen to to help me cope. The words are really powerful, and the last verse is the most moving for me, it goes like this:

"You are gone now, I've grieved 

It's time to move on

Though your spirit's still with me

Never could decide on a name, For you

none was good enough

for someone so beautiful and true

I tried so hard, 

to be the best for you

I'm sorry that it failed, 

I wish there was something I could do

I wonder what you would have looked like

or who you would of been

would you have had my eyes

my blue eyes

I cried so hard

I tried to make it through 

I'm sorry that it failed

I wish there was something I could do

I will see you one of these days

and I will hold you so tight 

like I cannot now

It gets so hard I get sad"

Healing is a Process

These past couple weeks have been a crazy mix of emotions and new things! This blog may be all over the place so stay with me! :)

I decided it was time to take charge taking care of myself for a change, and decided to go to counseling at the Vineyard to help me work through some of the HUGE emotions of these last couple years. As I was talking with Teresa Smith, the most genuine, sweet lady I know, I realized, DANG! I have been through A LOT these past couple of years! From infertility, to miscarriage, to a pregnancy filled with complications and trials, to a labor/deliver/recovery from hell... then having a very fussy baby on top of all of that, it has been really hard to deal with all of my emotions for obvious reasons.

 All that being said, I am finally seeing seeing the light in the darkness I have been stumbling through. And I can honestly say these past couple years have been the darkest times of my life. I feel stripped, vulnerable, beaten down and disconnected. The trauma of the miscarriage + being so close to death during pregnancy + trauma of a horrific delivery + almost dying from untreated heart failure and pre ecclampsia is a lot to deal with ya know? But as I meet with Teresa, I know there is hope! She prays with me before I leave, and I love it. I have never felt so vulnerable, but then so built up at the same time. It is so healing just to speak out everything that happened and how I am feeling. I know it is going to be a long road, but I am all in, ready to be transformed! I want to be so open in this time... open to Jesus and all that He has for me. 

Through all the darkness I am amazed in every horrific moment to find traces of light... I can't even tell you how many moments Jesus has showed up in all of this tragedy! I am so certain of the fact that He was there with me through it all. The verse that says something like "You intended to harm me, but God used it for good" really speaks true in my life. I KNOW Satan is trying everything to try to keep me from doing the things God called me to do. I have felt so strong at so many moments that the Enemy was attacking me, but I kept my faith. I haven't questioned ONCE God's character! I know He NEVER wanted any of these things to happen to me, but since we live in a broken  world, crap happens, and the Enemy is cunning. I know now that God can REDEEM all of these things and raise me up out of the pit. 

I am ever aware that healing is a process, and I may not feel better right away, but I am excited and ready to deal with these things head on! Here we go.....