Last weeks processing

So this past week was NUTS! I find when I am really busy like I was this past week, it gives me less time to think, then when everything calms down, I am left with a FLOOD of thoughts. There were some sweet moments though that kind of caught me by surprise.

Here's one.. I was at the International Justice Mission Gala and performed, and this really nice man and woman asked if I had a CD. We talked for a while about my music and they encouraged me LOADS. We split ways, then later the man came up to me again after reading the inside of my CD where I had written about Lily, our daughter we lost, and he said with the most sincere look on his face,  "I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, that must have been really difficult.." I just smiled and said "thank you so much... I really appreciate that. You know, it was a really hard time, but it really helped me appreciate all that I have now, and I know I will see her again and that gives me great hope as a mom."

That moment caught me by surprise. I felt the strange emotion of feeling proud that I have another child.. That I am a mother of TWO, not just one. God keeps re-affirming that for me in small ways and it is really healing. Because I often feel sad that I didn't get to burry my daughter.. Just because I had a miscarriage, does that make her any less real? No, not to me. She is as real to me as Trust. It is hard ya know? 

I remember right after I had miscarried I was at church on Mother's Day, a pretty rough day for me at the time, and Rich asked if all the Mother's in the audience would stand. I remember standing proudly and crying my eyes out. I'm sure the people around me were wondering why I was crying so hard, but I didn't care. I was a mom, and I was proud. :)

My cousin Melody wrote this really amazing song for her baby she lost that I often listen to to help me cope. The words are really powerful, and the last verse is the most moving for me, it goes like this:

"You are gone now, I've grieved 

It's time to move on

Though your spirit's still with me

Never could decide on a name, For you

none was good enough

for someone so beautiful and true

I tried so hard, 

to be the best for you

I'm sorry that it failed, 

I wish there was something I could do

I wonder what you would have looked like

or who you would of been

would you have had my eyes

my blue eyes

I cried so hard

I tried to make it through 

I'm sorry that it failed

I wish there was something I could do

I will see you one of these days

and I will hold you so tight 

like I cannot now

It gets so hard I get sad"