Waiting

Waiting is hard. We are waiting on a few things right now & it can be frustrating because you know that by your own strengths or control you could make something happen, but when it's things that are out of your control, it can be hard & frustrating & scary.

We are in a season of waiting.

Waiting to hear whether we can buy a house, which may not be likely since Brett has only been at his job for 2 months. It's amazing that we can even consider doing this though! Can you believe only a few short months ago we had maybe $20 in our bank account, and now we are above where we were before we left Ohio? Actually, I can't remember a time we had this much money in our savings account, it's pretty miraculous!

I've also been waiting to hear back from a possible rental that is RIGHT around the corner from my sisters house that would be perfect for our family. I went ALL OUT last week looking at 6 or so rentals, applying, then not getting the paperwork in in time & someone else snatching it up before us. The housing market is NUTS out here! They get sold/rented really fast & you have to be willing to sign that day or it's gone.

...I'm also waiting to talk over some ultrasound results from a Thyroid Ultrasound & blood work results with my doctor on Thursday. 

I've been feeling REALLY exhausted lately. Like not just tired from a bad nights sleep, but like your whole body feels heavy & no matter how much coffee you drink you feel like you could fall asleep where you are sitting, tired. I've also had a bunch of friends come up to me & say "you seem to be losing weight, are you feeling ok?" & I didn't really think much about it until 3 people said the same thing. I got my scale out & sure enough I'm down below my prepregnancy weight, maybe even high school weight! I also noticed a lump on my neck on my thyroid. I thought it was a swollen lymph node that would just kind of go away, but it never did & kept getting bigger. I've been noticing my anxiety levels have been higher too & that I'd get ravishingly hungry & very shaky throughout the day no matter how much I'd eat! And I eat A LOT.

..So a friend of mine from church urged me to get into the doctor which I DREADED doing because we are still on Medi-Cal and they have you jump through major hoops a lot of times to even get in to see a doctor. & sure enough I got the major run around & thank God Story took an epic long nap because it took an hour & a half just to find a doctor that would take me. Gratefully I got an amazing doctor who spent like 30 or so minutes going over my medical history & she felt my thyroid & heard me out about how I had hyperthyroidism before after having Trust & she scheduled me an Ultrasound & bloodwork right away! I felt really grateful to be heard & that I'd soon be getting answers for all these strange symptoms I'd been having.

When I went to the Ultrasound appointment it was SUPER early in the morning & I hadn't had any coffee, yet I felt jittery & anxious. The ultrasound technician spent a lot of time on the right side of my thyroid & as I looked at the black & white screen I saw what looked like a bunch of black spots. She keep stopping & measuring & I felt like I couldn't breathe for a second. My mom has thyroid nodules & has to be checked every once & a while to see if there is any change, so I kind of knew that was probably what they were, but it still freaked me out! I got my blood drawn after that & they literally took 6 viles of blood. I felt woozy & worried. 

I told my family about the whole ordeal but tried not to jump to conclusions because you know maybe the black spots were part of the thyroid or something? I'm no doctor!

A few days later I got some of the labs back & my thyroid levels were High on some & low on others, so all I know is something isn't right. Then I got the ultrasound results back & sure enough there were many nodules that were weird medical words like Mural, palpable abnormality, complex, separated cysts, something foci etc , & I have a cystic goiter. Sounds appetizing, I know.

Lots of weird words that when you look them up on google, scary words like Cancer pop up in the related topics. 

So I've been waiting. 

Am I good at waiting? Not really. Am I trying to be good at waiting & more importantly TRUSTING that God has me in the palm of His hands that no matter what I face (or don't face) I won't be alone? Yes. I am trying my hardest! I had one raw day where I let myself "go there" for a second, but the next day I felt the Lord call me out & say "Ok, now get back to living." I want to be better at truly living.  

Hold my kids tight, spending a little extra time putting them to bed, kissing my husband passionately, giving what I have to those who need it more than I do, getting a haircut I've always wanted to try, singing at the top of my lungs in the car because I can & cherishing every moment I GET to be alive. Life is so fleeting.

 I'm not saying I think I'm going to die, even if it was cancer, thyroid cancer is the best cancer to get because it is slow growing & you can remove your thyroid & be fine. I'm just saying it really makes you consider what is important in life when you go through something like this! Wakes you up in a way. 

So I wait. In the silence. In the uncertainty. I'm willing to learn the lesson life is throwing at me & be better for it.