One of the moments will forever stick out to me. Teresa stopped what we were talking about and said, "Heather, about 15 minutes ago I felt like God wanted me to tell you that He wanted to give you a picture of what Lily (my daughter we lost in a miscarriage) looks like NOW and I know he is going to give it to you. Let's pray." I got goose bumps INSTANTLY! I knew He was going to give it to me too.. Because for some reason before then, I could never picture her face. She was always just out of view in my head, and I LONGED to be able to see what she looked like.
As I closed my eyes to pray, I literally saw her face almost immediately. Blond flowing hair, bright blue piercing eyes, chubby cheeks and a big grin on her face. I cried aching tears. Teresa asked me what she looked like and through rolling tears I told her. She asked what she was doing and I told her, still sobbing, "I was behind her, and she was holding hands with Jesus walking. She turned around and locked eyes with me smiling and waving at me. She looked so happy..." I was amazed. What a precious moment! I will never forget it..
After talking with her about my feelings of not getting to burry her and feeling like it is less real because of that, I think I want to either get a bench at a park in honor of her or a small grave stone. Just a place I can visit and think.. Something to finalize everything.
My mom told me something that also made me cry. She said that after her Grandma died it was really hard for her, and she just wanted to talk to her. She realized that she couldn't talk to her personally, but if she prayed to Jesus, He could tell her Grandma whatever she told him. I thought that was cool and we both cried thinking about it..
I also shared with Teresa that the way I process through grief, hurt and heal is through song writing. I wrote 1 song 2 days after I miscarried. I shared the words with her and shared some other words from other songs I've written. She asked me if I had ever thought about making a CD about Grief and Healing, and I told her when I was going through everything I actually thought about it. She said that a lot of her clients would be interested in it, and that processing with music is really helpful to the soul. I told her that was definitely true in my situation and that I do eventually want to record all the songs I wrote in that time. It will have to be God's timing for sure, and I will continue to pray for provision as I start to make it! He always provides a way!
Healing is exhausting... The wound I covered is exposed again, but I am resting in the hope that Jesus, the GREAT healer, will tend to my wounds with great tenderness. He has been so sweet to me in this time.