Adventures with Heather

Saturday, July 23, 2016

When Can't turns to Can

*Deep Breath* This has happened to me before. 

I've questioned whether I can do music because I have a kid. Now I have TWO kids & I live in a new place where no one knows me, & I left behind lots of friends that do music & it's hard. I find myself asking "should I just quit?" 

Before when I was going through the "I've gotta quit music" faze I cried, I mourned, I felt sorry for myself & wrote a song to get through my grief. 😂 Do you think quitting music worked out for me?! Haha 

No, it didn't! In fact, the "I can't" voice in my head was so loud, I started to get stubborn & wanted to prove it wrong. I wanted to dream again, but I was SCARED. 

Being a stay at home mom is a super high calling & I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well. To me, I felt like doing music was going to be a distraction from the greater work of raising Trust, but that thinking became a road block & a hindrance. I started to separate myself into categories and boxes & decided ok, if it doesn't fit into my mom box, then I can't do it.

Needless to say, this didn't work out for me very well. I started to break down emotionally. I was pouring out myself to the point of almost punishing myself. Do you get what I mean? Like you give your kid all the veggies & you just get the bread, it's all out of love, but you end up getting sick because you aren't getting what you need. Or like how they tell you on an airplane, "put the air mask on yourself first, then help your kids get theirs on." Because if you are dead, you can't help anyone else.

Lightbulb moment! 

Music to me is my veggies, & not to be cheesy, it's my oxygen. It's how I connect with God through singing to Him my worries & concerns or how I engage through worship. It's how I process my day. It's my journal entry, they just turn out as songs! I am NO GOOD to Trust or Story unless I can take care of my heart. I'm a leaky bucket, I can pour myself out so well but need filled up! 

Also, my kids need to see me model doing what my passion is so they can have courage to do their passions one day! To take risks in a way where they say "man, mom really stepped out & trusted God in that thing, & it worked! I can step out too!" 

I saw this happen when I stepped out to make a music video to raise awareness about human trafficking. Trust was 3 & God placed this HUGE burden on my heart for women stuck in Sex Trafficking & a good friend who was a video producer helped me make a $100,000+ music video with the help of a bunch of amazing volunteers, all for free, because they BELIEVED in the cause. They got inspired and ended up taking the project to the next level & made a documentary Short about the realities of sex trafficking in the U.S. 

I guess the biggest lesson I'm learning is to TRUST God in the season He has me in & know He hasn't forgotten me. 

It's easy to feel forgotten as a mom. You put everyone else's needs ahead of your own & at the end of the day you feel so tired & worn out that you're not sure if what you're doing matters or is making an impact. 

I'm not gonna lie, I go all out as a mom. Yummy meals & snacks, activities, fun outings, & a schedule we follow. But... Watching other people's instagram's can make what you are doing seems dumb or less than, even ordinary. It's not a glamorous life.

BUT what if these little lives I'm pouring into are worth every ordinary second. They are learning & growing & changing so fast! It's a long grueling season in some respects, but in other ways it's like a blink!

My son Trust starts kindergarten in a few weeks & I can't believe the amazing little man he is becoming! So sweet, caring and intuitive of people's emotions. He's  Super empathetic. He wants to be a movie Director & Actor one day. What if he becomes a super famous Director that makes world changing movies? We are raising future adults! What an honor! 

I took a step to write down some dreams I have for my music this year. They are smaller dreams but I think it's powerful to write them down & not be scared of them & to ask the Lord SPECIFICALLY what you want. I know my limitations, but with The Lord there are no limitations! I've seen it time & time again & it's fun to watch Him move & open doors!

So dream AND be amazing mommas. We can do both & not lack in either area. Turn that I can't into I can & ask God specifically what you want! He is not scared of your dreams! Let's move some mountains! 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

A New Chapter Starts an Old Ends

These last 8 months have been an INSANE ride! We left all we knew, moved across the country from Columbus, Ohio to Lincoln, California. We KNEW God was calling us, so it was easy in that sense, but losing everything financially, Trusting Him with the day to day needs was HARD, humbling & stressful at times. I can honestly say I've grown more in these last 8 months than ever in my life! It's been really GOOD.

The only way we were able to make this huge move was moving in with my sister Amy, Brother in Law Jesse & my nieces Chloe & Emma. Can I just say, How amazing is that to let your in laws live with you for 8 months & not kill each other?! Hahaha! Amy & Jesse are just like that. Their hearts are huge! -- Oh yeah! In that time, my parents had to move in too, so 10 people in one 6 bedroom house... It was a fun/crazy/funny/stressful adventure! We definitely learned a lot about communication & in many ways, it felt like the 1st year of marriage in the sense you learn about all the ways other people like to do things & it's not the way you do things & it's annoying & a learning process! Hahaha! I learned a lot about myself in that situation too. Communal living is like holding a mirror up to your face, it shows all of your imperfections & areas you need to work on, & man there were a lot! -- Again, aren't my brother in law & sister saints?! They'll probably get a special crown in heaven for letting all of us into their home. 😂 they are amazing!

We knew that living with my sister was a temporary thing, but we weren't sure how we were going to afford moving out. We SUPER SAVED over the next few months. Brett has a well paying job & we were still getting benefits from the state during our transition out of the program & they paid for our groceries (hallelujah!!) so we were able to save that money. Also, during that time, we heard from Brett's old job that Ohio messed up on our taxes for the past like 5 or so years and we'd be getting 3,000+ back! We also got another amazing refund back from taxes we were able to save too. We had some other random money come in & we started the search for a house to buy or rent! Our bank account was BETTER than when we moved here! Miraculous stuff!

 We tried looking into buying, but Brett had to be at his job for at least 6 months, so we didn't qualify yet, so we dove into the renting market.  I went in full blown house search mode & man, places are GONE in like a day here. We had our hearts set on a place, but we didn't qualify, & I was giving up, but then a house right around the corner popped up in the same neighborhood as my sister & we literally walked there to look at it! We decided to go for it, & the rental company already had our applications from another house, so we were able to get it quicker! We moved in 3 weeks later & it's been amazing!
This house is SO nice! The nicest we've lived in & a one-story & pretty baby proofed which is a blessing to me since Story is into EVERYTHING & climbs everything. The backyard is fenced in & has a really nice patio we play on every morning too. I really feel at home here & my parents moved into the master suite so they have their own space & it helps to share the house payment & utilities every month!

We also got 2 cars! We got a used Acura from someone at church & it's in great condition for Brett to run to work & back. We just got a Brand New Kia Soul for me & the kids & I kind of love it! Haha! We're hoping to have it for a long time & maybe pass it on to Trust one day. 😊

A lot has changed right?! Man, I am so grateful to be settling into this new chapter of life. I really feel like California is feeling more like home! Also, I can't believe Trust is starting Kindergarten in a few weeks! So crazy! Time flies with these kiddies, I'm trying to really enjoy it & do fun things! 

There are still some unknowns about this next chapter health wise. I still need to see an endocrinologist about my thyroid & thyroid nodules, but my insurance has to approve it! I am definitely feeling it these days. I am struggling to get up in the morning & no amount of coffee wakes me up & I am so tired I can fall asleep anywhere. It's really hard some days, especially when you're a mom of two & a wife! You can't just stop doing those things! I felt really depressed yesterday. I am so scared I won't ever feel better. I'm worried I'll have to get surgery & have to take meds my whole life or that the nodules are something serious, that the doctor I get wont hear me out like the doctors I've had before. Ugh! When I let my mind go, it can put me in the grave in a heartbeat! Haha! I am trying my best to take every thought captive. But yesterday I forgot! 😄 today has been better. I got out with the kids, because they got up at the crack of dawn, & it's better to just get up & go to keep my momentum going. We had a blast! We went to the Library to play at the park & they ended up have a Big Truck Story time & A pipe truck demonstration! How cool is that?! Trust had a blast & I got to revel in my awesome mom-ness that I got up & out of the house. Haha! I felt like Jesus was encouraging me, that I could do it! I think I can! 

Trust also went through quite an ordeal there for a second, that we honestly don't know what happened. He was throwing up & sick almost every week & I took him to the doctor like 4 times before they finally decided it probably wasn't a stomach virus but something else. Trust Bravely got his blood drawn twice, & the 1st time his ANA test was abnormal which is a flag for possible autoimmune disease or viral Hepatitis A, & his Hep A test came back borderline, which could be cause from the vaccination he JUST got a few weeks before. We have no idea! So we laid low for a while because viral hepatitis A is a virus that affects your liver & it just has to run its course & you are good, as long as their are no complications. We were going to see a gastroenterologist at that point to see if there was anything else going on, but our insurance couldn't get us in! When we got his blood tested again the ANA came back normal & it appeared to be getting better! So we decided to not go to a specialist since his symptoms were better! Still a scary, frustrating ordeal, all this while we were moving! We also had to cancel his birthday party since he was still not feeling well around that time! It was so sad, but we still had a blast celebrating with just our family! I tried to make it extra special for him. 
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What a crazy story God is writing!! I feel like through it all, we are stronger, wiser & better people because of all we've had to face & we have empathy for those in a similar place! Our roots are going deeper in the Lord & relying on HIS strengths & not our own through the most uncertain of times. He's never failed, not once! We know we can make it through anything we face. 💓