These past couple weeks have been a crazy mix of emotions and new things! This blog may be all over the place so stay with me! :)
I decided it was time to take charge taking care of myself for a change, and decided to go to counseling at the Vineyard to help me work through some of the HUGE emotions of these last couple years. As I was talking with Teresa Smith, the most genuine, sweet lady I know, I realized, DANG! I have been through A LOT these past couple of years! From infertility, to miscarriage, to a pregnancy filled with complications and trials, to a labor/deliver/recovery from hell... then having a very fussy baby on top of all of that, it has been really hard to deal with all of my emotions for obvious reasons.
All that being said, I am finally seeing seeing the light in the darkness I have been stumbling through. And I can honestly say these past couple years have been the darkest times of my life. I feel stripped, vulnerable, beaten down and disconnected. The trauma of the miscarriage + being so close to death during pregnancy + trauma of a horrific delivery + almost dying from untreated heart failure and pre ecclampsia is a lot to deal with ya know? But as I meet with Teresa, I know there is hope! She prays with me before I leave, and I love it. I have never felt so vulnerable, but then so built up at the same time. It is so healing just to speak out everything that happened and how I am feeling. I know it is going to be a long road, but I am all in, ready to be transformed! I want to be so open in this time... open to Jesus and all that He has for me.
Through all the darkness I am amazed in every horrific moment to find traces of light... I can't even tell you how many moments Jesus has showed up in all of this tragedy! I am so certain of the fact that He was there with me through it all. The verse that says something like "You intended to harm me, but God used it for good" really speaks true in my life. I KNOW Satan is trying everything to try to keep me from doing the things God called me to do. I have felt so strong at so many moments that the Enemy was attacking me, but I kept my faith. I haven't questioned ONCE God's character! I know He NEVER wanted any of these things to happen to me, but since we live in a broken world, crap happens, and the Enemy is cunning. I know now that God can REDEEM all of these things and raise me up out of the pit.
I am ever aware that healing is a process, and I may not feel better right away, but I am excited and ready to deal with these things head on! Here we go.....