Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Ugh, Anxiety sucks! I honestly can't remember a time where I have felt so anxious. Unfortunately, I can't disclose why, but I just had to write something.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
These past couple weeks have been a crazy mix of emotions and new things! This blog may be all over the place so stay with me! :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Brett had the day off and we just sort of relaxed/hung around the whole day. I spent some time writing a song while Trust napped and I am absolutely in love with it. I literally can't get it out of my head. It is all about walking with Jesus. The reason why I love it so much is because everytime I sing it, it makes me want to cry because I think about being with Jesus and the craziness of my life seems to still for just a moment. It goes like this:
"Walking side by side,
underneath the apple trees,
in your orchard I find rest,
for my soul
Take me by your hand,
Lead me by your still waters,
Lead me on
Walking hand in hand,
gazing at the galaxies,
in your presence I feel that,
I am home"
Later that day my mom randomly called and asked if she could babysit Trust so we could go on a date. Of course I said, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! We would LOVE that!" So we talked all day about what we would do and where we would go. We knew we wanted to go to a park (it was BEAUTIFUL yesterday!) and grab some food but we weren't sure where and wanted to be spontaneous.
SO we headed out for our date and we decided to eat at our friends family resturaunt called the Pomegrante. If you have never been there, it is FANTASTIC. Our friends dad stopped by our table to say hi and gave us our dinner for FREE! SCORE. A good start to a great evening.
After dinner we decided to go to Innis Woods, our favorite park. We talked about all sorts of things. Deep life things, our hopes, fears, and concerns and also some fun things too. We haven't talked like that in a while, and it was really refreshing. I am SUCH a quality time/quality converstation person. If I don't have a deep meaningful conversation for a while I get cranky. We also talked about memories of things we used to do when we were dating and how we LOVED taking walks and going to parks when we were dating and that we should go to parks more often.
We walked the trails and explored, ate the herbs in the herb garden (don't tell) and talked/brainstormed together about this idea for a story I got from a dream I had. The premise is that hidden in our world are secret doors. The doors are usually ordinary things like old radios or an old bench you happen to sit on. The Doors lead to different parts of the world or secret worlds within this world. In every door is a Key Keeper. They are usually animals that were once humans and they carry the key to get back to the place you were just at. Some doors are faulty though, they can kill you if you aren't careful. The main characters are Me, Brett, The Helper who guides us on our journey, Trust and the Evil Keeper. Trust gets stolen by the Evil Keeper and me and Brett with the help of The Helper, have to rescue him! I seriously can't wait to start writing it! We came up with some really neat ideas. A lot of our inspiration came from things we saw at the park, so that was kind of neat.
After the park, we went home and watched the new show THE EVENT on NBC. I think I like it! I can't wait to see next weeks episode. I am all about conspiracy theories and stuff so it should be an interesting show!
Also, Tonight we are going to see The Legend of The Guardians for FREE thanks to our friend Marco! I've been wanting to see this movie so bad, so I am super excited! I LOVE OWLS!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Story of Trust- Labor/Delivery and Recovery
It all started Tuesday, June 22nd at 2am. I was 42 weeks pregnant on the dot, and I woke up feeling crampy like I had diarrea and was sick to my stomach. I went downstairs to get some water and a granola bar and went to the bathroom, and found myself wide-awake. I watched some Phil Wickham music videos on my phone and Brett came in around 2:30 and told me to turn it down, and I told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I would turn it down. He went back to sleep and not long after, I felt a POP and knew something was up. I slowly got up and ran to the bathroom, and I felt a trickle that was uncontrollable, then I passed my mucus plug, and I got excited knowing that my water had broken! FINALLY Trust was almost here!
I called my sister (she was sleeping in the other room) and told her to come in the bathroom because my water had broken and I couldn’t move. She ran in and we smiled and laughed and I was really chill and just excited and she started running around like crazy and woke Brett up and they started getting everything together for the hospital. I sat there giddy with excitement and called the on call doctor and asked if I should go to the hospital right away, he said yes, but that I didn’t have to rush or anything and that I could take a shower if I wanted to. So I leisurely took a shower and got all ready to go to the hospital!
It was stormy and muggy when we left the house. Brett put down towels and trash bags for me to sit on in the car, and I told him it felt like I was peeing my pants uncontrollably! We listened to Paramore to get siked up in the car, and when we got to the hospital, Brett got a wheel chair for me and we headed in! We were out of our minds happy and excited at the thought of meeting our precious boy.
We got to the 2nd floor and there was a girl in front of us whose water had also broken in front of us, and the receptionist said it had been a busy night! We got into the Triage room and the nurse checked me out to make sure my water had truly broken, and sure enough it had. Brett was busy texting family members and I sat there dreaming about meeting Trust for the first time! I was so excited!
We got to the natural delivery room and it was HUGE! Amy and Mom were finally allowed in the room and they each sat in a rocking chair. I told the nurse I was going all- natural, no drugs or anything.
I talked to Brett, Amy and mom and said, “Please support me in trying to do this without medicine! Let’s also stay positive no matter what! It's gonna get crazy soon..”
They put an IV in just in case I needed meds later and it literally took 30 minutes to find a vein. I was poked probably 4 or 5 times before she got one and when she did, my arm started swelling like CRAZY. It hurt REALLY bad but I tried to buck it up because the nurse said it would be fine in a second. Minutes passed and it still hurt and was swelling worse so I told another nurse and she finally put it in another vein.
I started getting mild contractions and my cervix was at 3cm and the nurse told me it helps to walk the halls to bring on stronger contractions. So I walked up and down the halls at least 50 laps and it worked! I walked through the strengthening contractions and I went back to my room after the contractions started getting pretty painful. Unfortunately, when they checked my cervix, it was still only at 3cm! I was feeling tired and wore out, but was still keeping a positive attitude.
At a certain point I just stayed put because the pain was getting so bad. I mean, I have NEVER experienced something so painful EVER in my life! I prayed and asked God to help me get through and listened to Phil Whickham to help relax me. My mom coached me through the breathing and helped me stay focused. I cried through a couple contractions, and knew this was going to be rough. I was also feeling VERY dizzy and faint every time I had a contraction.
12 hours later, I was only at 4 cm and felt like I was going to pass out even more. My nurse Jen told me since things weren’t progressing they were going to have to start me on pitocin to speed things up or risk infection. I was starting to spike a fever so they were concerned and started giving me antibiotics. My blood pressure was rising as well. My body was starting to get weak and I was so shaky.
Jenn told me that if I wanted an epidural, I’d need to put in a request NOW because the anesthesiologist may not be available when I really needed him. I told her I wasn’t sure, that my plan was to do it naturally. Jen told me “Honey, you think it is bad now, it is going to get at least 3 times worse. I’m not trying to pressure you, I just want to give you the facts.” Then all of a sudden a contraction hit me like a ton of bricks, and I said, “Sweet Jesus, get me the epidural!!” (Thank Jesus I got it too. You will find out why later in the story why. I SERIOUSLY think God inspired me to get the epidural, because it wasn’t even on my radar.)
The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural. It was not bad at all! The worse part was having to stay still. I had strong contractions through the procedure and felt like I was going to pass out again. At that moment I was glad I made the decision to get the epidural.
They started the pitocin and my contractions started getting closer together, only now I could only feel the pressure of them not the pain. I was feeling MUCH better needless to say!
I start to notice that Trust’s heart rate seemed to dip really low when I would have a contraction, and my new nurse Amy kept coming in and rearranging my position to see if it helped his heart rate. She had a feeling that when I was having contractions, it was pressing on his umbilical cord. She came in frantically one time and put an oxygen mask on me and I started to freak out a little. I knew something wasn’t right… She also put in an internal monitor to monitor my contractions better and a monitor on Trust’s head to get a better reading on his heart rate, something that terrified me. I never wanted that, but knew things were getting serious.
Amy, my nurse, was trying to get a hold of Dr. Russ the on call Doctor that was going to deliver Trust, but he was in a C-section. I could tell she was getting nervous, but was trying to stay calm for me.
I quickly progressed to 8cm and Dr. Russ came in and said “We are going to deliver this baby soon. Let’s start pushing. Are you ready to push?” Seeing how his heart rate kept dropping and flat lined 2 times, he explained to me if we don’t get him out now that usually the 3rd time it drops it doesn’t come back. I pushed and nothing seemed to be happening except I start feeling very sick and dizzy. There was so much hustle and bustle in the room I could hardly concentrate. People were whispering and getting things ready. I felt so many emotions… Was Trust okay? Why is this taking so long?
I looked over at my sister, mom and Brett and they looked terrified. My sister was shaking and Brett was praying. My mom just kept coaching me as I pushed counting 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10…
Dr. Russ explains to me that my tailbone is curved in a way that was preventing Trust from being able to come out on his own, and his heart rate kept dropping and that he was going to have to use forecepts to pull him out. He continued to tell me that there was a possibility that he could break my tailbone and that if that happens it would be months of recovery. He told me that he would have done a C-section, but there wasn’t time and that he needed to get him out NOW. He also later told me that I would probably have to give birth via C-section next time because of my tailbone.
After hearing all of that, I said “Oh no…” and took off my oxygen mask and started throwing up terribly and choking and convulsing. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and the room was spinning. Dr. Russ told me to calm down and told everyone in the room to be quiet. The nurse Jen was back in the room and said “Honey, FOCUS, PUSH!!!!” I said, “I can’t do this!” Dr. Russ said sternly, “Look at me. You need to block out everyone in the room and just push. We have to get this baby out.” My mom counted while crying while I pushed. Brett was right by my head holding my hard and praying, “Please Jesus, help Heather, help Trust.”
I used all of my effort and energy to push, and the resident doctor was assisting Dr. Russ and using the forcepts to pull him out and she couldn’t get him out, and Jen again screamed, “PULL Honey, PULL!!” Dr. Russ takes over and by the 3rd push he snips me several times and pulls as hard as he could and out comes Trust black and blue with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice! The resident doctor sort of panics and goes for some scissors to cut the cord and Dr. Russ calmly says, “No” and gently unwraps the chord from Trust’s neck. Then I heard a wondrous sound! “WAAAAHHHH!!” they put him up on my belly and Brett cut his umbilical chord and I cried tears of joy! They quickly took him from me and I kept my eyes fixed on him while they cleaned him up and checked him out.
I laid there on the table convulsing terribly while they stitched me up. I heard them talking, and I tore in 3 or 4 places and it took them 1 hour and 15 minutes to stitch me up. I lost A LOT of blood. It looked like a murder scene and it felt like I could hardly breathe or speak. I felt so vulnerable, so exposed, just laying there in silence. I couldn’t fathom what had just happened to me.
I wasn’t sure if I should cry tears of joy or tears of grief because this wasn’t the labor and delivery I had planned/hoped for. I decided to stay positive and just focus on Trust. He was SO beautiful and BIG at 8lbs 10oz and 21 inches long! I thanked God we were both okay.
I was taken to another room shortly after delivery. The epidural slowly wore off and the pain from delivery was extreme. I was given some super pain pills but they hardly touched the pain I was in. Every trip to the restroom was miserable… I also felt VERY dizzy and faint and short of breath. There was one time I got up and my hearing went completely out and the room began to spin and I fell into the nurse who was helping me to the restroom and blacked out for a second. They told me in the hospital that I had lost a significant amount of blood and that my hemagloben levels were at 7 when the normal level is supposed to be 14, and that I may need a blood transfusion. They put me on iron to see if that would fix itself.
We had some wonderful moments with Trust in that time. I loved him from the first moment I laid eyes on him and that time in the hospital with him was great for bonding. I’m so glad I had the moments to breastfeed him. He latched on immediately and did fantastic! Every nurse was amazed and thought that Trust was my second child, but I just told them he was the pro, not me! It was also really neat to share the story of Trust’s name with the nurses and people who came in the room for different things. He is an amazing boy, with an amazing story. God predestined him to be here in THIS exact time in history for a purpose, and he is already helping people!
I wish the story ended there, but it doesn’t.
The hospital discharged me the next day with NO discharge instructions or medications. I was in SO much pain I called my doctor to write me a prescription. There was NO way I could have made it without something for the TERRIBLE pain I was in. I was frustrated because I felt like there was a definite lack of communication between Dr. Russ and my doctor and the hospital.
I got home from the hospital ready to start my new life with my new family, but after a day I started noticing I was not feeling so great… Every trip to the bathroom someone had to go with me and I was GASPING for air, I felt like I was going to pass out, I was seeing double and seeing lights in my vision. We decided to call the doctor and he told me to go to the ER right away.
We took Trust with us to the ER because I was still breastfeeding, and my mom, sister and Brett all came with me. I was totally FREAKED that Trust had to be there with us. My 2 day old baby should NOT have had to go with me to that horrible place!
In the ER they checked my hemagloben levels and decided that I would need a blood transfusion and needed to be admitted. I BAWLED my eyes out knowing that Trust couldn’t stay with me. I also was completely a mess wondering how I’d get the milk to him. Luckily, my family came through and made milk runs to hospital to get the milk I had been pumping for him. Unfortunately, we had to switch him to formula in that time because of the meds I was on. It was SUCH a hard decision. Again, this was not my plan. I still had to pump and dump my milk, and it was pretty miserable for how weak I was. My aunt and uncle also came to my house and took care of him while I couldn’t be there! What a blessing! They told me later that they fell in love with him and that it actually blessed them more than it did me.
It was a LONG, grueling night in the hospital. I was still pumping to give the milk to Trust and was getting absolutely NO sleep and was so sick I felt like if I were to close my eyes I would not wake up. It was so scary. They sent me home later that next day, and I was still feeling pretty miserable, but they said my levels went up to 9, so I could go home. I trusted they knew what they were talking about so I didn’t argue with them.
I got home and the next day I started feeling really bad again. Faintness, shortness of breath, double vision, very swollen, headache… I took a nap and my mom without my knowing called the doctor again. The doctor told her to have me go back to the hospital.
I woke up from my nap and my mom explained to me that we had to go back to the hospital. I cried. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. All of my expectations of what this time would be like were totally blown to shreds. I had to leave my baby again. I was so upset.
We got to the hospital and we got a Doctor from heaven. Dr. Blue. He came in and asked me TONS of questions (unlike the other doctor that just blamed everything on pregnancy) and really got down to the bottom of things. I had a CAT scan, Chest Xray, Heart EKG, Heart Ultrasound, Blood tests, and blood pressure tests. He even looked at my tongue and could tell my ph balance was off because of the color of my tongue!
When I got the Chest Xray I looked at the picture and thought to myself the left side looks really strange compared to the right side. I told Brett and my mom what I saw and they said, “Oh, you don't really know what you are looking at… it’s probably fine” I still had a funny feeling, knowing something wasn’t right.
Before we had heard from the doctor, the nurse came in and asked us, “Have you heard from the doctor yet? The EKG and Chest Xray were showing there is some water around your heart causing congestive heart failure and lung failure and we need to give you this medicine called lasiks to drain the water in your body.” My eyes were wide with disbelief and so were everyone else’s. I knew something wasn’t right, and like I was close to death, but I didn’t know I was THAT close. They also took me to get a CAT scan to check and see if I had a blood clot in my brain or lung, but PRAISE JESUS it came back normal. That could have been really bad, and we were all pretty scared.
Lasiks by the way, is not very fun when you are healing from SEVERE tares in that “area” if you know what I mean. You basically pee every 2 seconds uncontrollably, so they put a little bedside potty by the bed so I didn’t have to go so far. It was miserable. The doctor explained that from all of the fluids they pumped into me during delivery and during the transfusion and the transfusion plus the swelling I had during pregnancy, that it caused the swelling around my heart.
They also discovered from my high blood pressure test that I had some pretty high blood pressure (which I’d had the whole time, but had been ignored mostly.) and also from my blood test they found out I had pre ecclamsia. Because of the pre ecclamsia they had to put me on Magnesium to prevent me from having a seizure or stroke.
They admitted me again to continue the lasiks and to treat the pre ecclampsia with magnesium and regulate my blood pressure with meds.
Magnesium is basically MISERY in a bag. It dulls your nervous system so you have to stay in bed and can’t move. It made me have the WORST headache of my life and made my scalp tingly and I felt like I had a really high fever. I wouldn’t wish that night on my worst enemy… To add onto my misery, they told me I had to get a catheter. My mom was staying with me and I told her “I can’t do it mom! Please, I’ll be a beast and get up and go to the bathroom! I just can’t get a catheter with all the pain I am in!” I cried out of fear and anxiety. The severe tearing I had and stitches plus a catheter would equal even more misery for the night. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep a wink. They also had me on blood pressure meds to bring my blood pressure down, which did help thankfully! Through all of this, I was still pumping and dumping my breast milk too. Pumping every 2 to 3 hours during all of my pain and misery was the worst thing I could do for my mental and emotional state, but I was stubborn. I was hopeful to be able to breastfeed once all of the crazy medication had gotten out of my system. It took the life right out of me, making my already weak body weaker. I could hardly hold my arms up and needed help pumping all through the night. On top of that, I was severely engorged and it was so painful to pump.
The next day I was still miserable from the Magnesium from the night before. My mom went home to rest (she didn’t sleep either) and my dad came and stayed with me. I tried to rest, but still couldn’t sleep because of the after affects of the Magnesium. They monitored my blood pressure all-day and tried to help manage my pain with meds. They also discovered I had a bladder infection, and started giving me antibiotics.
Brett came to stay with me that night and I was finally able to sort of rest in between pumping. The next day the nurse talked to me about being released later, but that my doctor, Dr. Parker, wanted to see me first before I left to make sure I was well enough to go home this time since they sent me home prematurely 2 times before.
While I waited for the doctor, my sister Amy and Karen, my sisters Aunt in law, came in and prayed for me. Amy’s sister in law Melody was having HER baby that day and was one of Melody’s support people! So they had a moment, and decided to visit and pray with me. I cried so hard. It was refreshing to have people pray for me and remind me that God was with me through it all.
After they left, I noticed I was feeling rather feverish… I told the nurse and sure enough I had a fever of 100.4 and rising. I started to cry and feel frustrated, and the nurse was kind of flustered by my reaction. She asked me why I was crying and I told her I just wanted to go home and be with my baby, and that I was tired of being sick. She told me, “Well sometimes women get a fever because of hormones and you have too many blankets on you…” She continued to pull the top two blankets off of me. I was UPSET. Yeah, like blankets give you a fever.. I was starting to get tired of getting treated like I was making my symptoms up.
The Nurse called Dr. Parker, and told him how I was feeling. He got caught in a surgery and couldn’t come to see me after all, so he talked to me on the phone. Rather brashly he said, “Do you want to go home?” I hesitated, and in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘of course I do but am I WELL enough?’ I just said, “Um, yeah I do, but am I ok?” He said he would have the resident doctor come look at me to see if I was well enough to go home and we got off the phone. I felt even more emotional. Was I going to be sent home again and have to come back?
The resident doctor told me that I looked well enough to go home and me and Brett argued with her. We told her we had been sent home twice and had to come back and that on the discharge instructions it says to come back if you have a fever of 100.4 + and my fever was rising to 100.8. They said if it got to 102 to come back to the ER, something I thought was absolutely ridiculous. Why wouldn’t they just help me now? We quit arguing at a certain point, and just decided it wasn’t worth the fight since they weren’t going to do anything. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics and made an appointment to see Dr. Parker, and that was it.
As we packed up our stuff to go home I cried tears of frustration and anger. I felt terrible, yet they weren’t listening to me.
That night I spiked a fever of 102+. I was SO miserable and I cried again. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go back to the hospital where they would ignore me, so I just stayed home and took ibprofen and the antibiotics. The next day my mom told me to call the doctor, but I was so angry with him that I didn’t. I knew what he would say. “Go back to the ER.” When he was the one who sent me home KNOWING I had a fever. I was sick of the run around, and decided just to pray and keep taking the meds.
My mom prayed for me and said God told her that she needed to pray for me to get better, and shortly after she prayed for me, my fever started to steadily decrease! It was a miracle!
My recovery was still rocky from there. I was still in a LOT of pain and had an infection in my lymph nodes, HORRIBLE Migraines, and random fevers.
The thing that kept me going through it all was my healthy, growing boy! My dad and Brett (hehe) took Trust to his first pediatrician appointment, and she gave him a clean bill of health! Absolutely nothing wrong with him. Praise Jesus!
Trust continues to grow everyday and it amazes me. He is a miracle. God truly has been with us through it all and I learning to trust him everyday. It has been a battle, but I know God is working everything out for good! I see that everyday. And through it all God has been SO faithful and provided EVERYTHING we need. Food, money, support, love and so much more through others! THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!
The song I wrote for him when I was pregnant carries even more weight as I reflect on what we’ve been through. I will end with the lyrics because it says it perfectly!
“The Doctor’s said that you may not live, but I believed something different for you, Trusting that we’d make it out of this somehow, knowing you were not a mistake
As you grow, I know, God is with us, God is with us, Trials may come and go, but I know, Trust will carry us through, Trust will carry us through
Now you’re two years old, a miracle living and breathing, your life has become more like a living testimony
As you grow, I know, God is with us, God is with us, Trials may come and go, but I know, Trust will carry us through, Trust will carry us through
You’re beautiful my love, a miracle from birth…”
One Thursday night I had a terrible dream. I dreamed I was in a dingy bathroom and Brett came in and I told him I was miscarrying, and to call the doctor right away. He called the doctor, but she was out of town. A huge angry rat came out of nowhere and started attacking us. I woke up from the dream and prayed and told Brett about it.
In the next day the pain started, and the bleeding worsened. I woke Brett up at 2am Easter Sunday morning in extreme pain and he sat with me massaging my legs and praying for me. I was crying the pain was so bad, so we called the on call doctor and she told us to go to the ER.
We spent Easter Sunday in the ER. They gave me pain meds, which helped a lot and the doctor did a pelvic exam to see if I was miscarrying. Sure enough my cervix was open and they were very certain I was in fact miscarrying. I cried. I was devastated. What did I do wrong? How could I have tried harder to ensure my baby’s safety? Was there nothing they could do other than send me home with pain meds and let the baby pass? It seemed so insensitive, so wrong, so unfair.
We decided to name our baby Lily for the Easter lily. We both thought our baby was a girl from dreams we had about her, so we stuck with it to give our hearts some closure. It was hard to be losing our baby on Easter Sunday. A day that is supposed to be filled with much hope and promise was filled with sadness and emptiness for us. We knew every Easter from that moment on wouldn’t be the same, yet God STILL showed us His love and hope in those moments. Knowing that we don’t belong in this broken place, but we were meant for more. That Jesus rose to life as Lily would also be raised.
I remember lying helplessly on the couch praying and feeling the closeness of Jesus. That as I wept, I knew He was right there with me weeping too.
People from our church, friends and family brought us food, cards, flowers, left us messages on facebook, emailed us and prayed with us. I cried each time I received something, feeling so blessed in such a dark time. They were a great extension of God’s love for us. I was so grateful for them.
Somewhere in that time we received the crib set we ordered months before, and Brett told me, “I’m so sorry honey. I will put this away until we need it.” He was so sweet and put it away in a closet so I wouldn’t find it.
Finally, the doctor told me since the bleeding wasn’t stopping, she would need to do a procedure to “scrape” out the rest, a D&E.
I went into surgery in good spirits. I prayed a lot with Brett and my family before and had peace about everything. After the surgery, the doctor told my parents and Brett that the sac and lifeless baby was still stuck in my uterus, and it was a good thing they did the procedure when they did because of possible infection.
I cried again when I heard this, because I KNEW my baby was really gone. I felt empty and sad, like a piece of me was missing.
It was probably 8 months before I felt somewhat normal again. I was overwhelmed with grief, depression, and feelings of guilt and shame. People were still asking me everyday “how’s the pregnancy going?” or “how’s your baby?” not realizing I had miscarried and I had to tell them all over again about the miscarriage. In a way it was a good healing process to be able to talk about it, yet still, it brought up all of the horrific memories.
I had some great encounters with the Lord in that time. Sometimes when we are at our lowest He speaks the loudest.
I remember one occasion I was at my church sitting alone and I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness during worship. I made a conscience effort to worship God anyway and pushed my feelings aside. I closed my eyes to focus my mind on Him. When I opened my eyes I had this overwhelming feeling that I was singled out by God. That even though I was in a room worshiping with 3,000 people He SAW me. It was so personal and profound. I cried and peace washed over my heart and I told Him everything I was feeling about losing Lily and that I missed her. I later got prayer and I felt like a stitch was placed on my bleeding heart. That healing had begun.
In those months women who had also lost a child, came out of the woodwork and talked to me. I had no idea how many women had been through what I had. I thought I was alone, but to my surprise, many women have been through it, yet are just unable or scared to talk about it. I had many great talks with those women and we cried together, shared together and shared the hope of meeting our children in heaven. What a great hope!
God continued to pursue me and urged me to keep talking about Lily and to continue to heal. He wanted to pull out everything
In the months following I was able to talk at different women’s events about my miscarriage, and how God got me through it. I cried each time, the wound still fresh, but God continued to use Lily’s story to bring people to Him.
God gave me a sweet analogy in that time that Jesus has scars in his hands and feet as a reminder of LOVE of what He did for us, and I also carry scars of the Love of my daughter. They will never go away, but it is okay. We all have scars, but it’s what we do with them that matters.
Women came to me, wrote me letters, and shared about the children they had lost and that they had never had the courage to talk about them until I told my story. I am constantly reminded that God really does work EVERYTHING together for good, and uses every person’s story to bring Him glory!
Fast-forward a year and a half.
Brett and I decided we wanted to try again for a baby. A year had past with no luck. I started to think maybe the procedure I had might keep us from getting pregnant, but we prayed and others prayed for us too keeping faith. Every time I took a pregnancy test I felt the sting of defeat and failure. It was not easy but I kept praying and trusting God that HIS timing was perfect.
On October 10th, 2009 the day before Brett’s birthday, I had a strange craving for pizza and went to the store for a pizza and a pregnancy test. I took the test not thinking anything would happen, and to my surprise I saw a little pink plus sign in the window! I called Brett feeling scared, yet excited and told him the news. He was hesitant to get excited and he said, “Are you sure?” I sent him a picture text of the test, and he finally believed me! We told our family and asked them to pray. I ended up telling all of my friends too just because I felt that no matter what happened, I wanted to celebrate the life I had for as long as I had it. I was trusting God for the health of this baby.
The Home Care nurse came and hooked me up to a Medicine IV pump to help with the nausea and vomiting, and later I went to stay at my parent’s house because I couldn’t take care of myself.
Everyday was a horrible battle with food. The nausea and vomiting were so bad that if I had something in my mouth it made me sick. I cried as my mom and dad and sister lovingly confronted me with trying to eat more. I was trying, but it felt impossible. I had lost 12 pounds (being underweight to begin with) so I knew I had to try.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Nashville has been great! Getting to spend time with my sister and niece before Trust gets here, means a LOT to me. Although the reason I came down was kind of sad, she was feeling overwhelmed and needed her sister, it has been really good for both of us! :)
I have really gotten some GREAT practice being a mom with dear little Chloe. I have helped with every aspect of her schedule successfully, watched her on my own, played with her, taught her words and I really feel like I can do this mom thing! I realize the beginning months are ALWAYS going to be hard, but I am really looking forward to the 6-12 month age! It is a blast! She is changing so much and growing rapidly!
I do miss Brett my hubby like crazy though.. I can't wait to see him! He hasn't seen my belly in a while and will be impressed with how big Trust is! :)
Not only that but my belly is growing rapidly! My body is always changing and my stomach is a bottomless pit for food! It is so funny.. My sister makes fun of me because my mind is always on food and the next meal. lol..
Before all of this I was working on a lullaby project, and I am really excited to get back to it when I go back to Columbus! I have a lot of inspiration now from spending time with Chloe!
Lot's have been happening, but that is the jist! My next doc appointment is the 16th, the day after I get back. yeahh!! I'm hoping for a good report for my little babe. :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
**Every time I sing, Trust moves like crazy! I think he likes music.. :)
It is neat to think of Trust growing up, having interests, having a calling, a purpose for his life, and the fact that I get to be apart of his life is just amazing! He has already made such an impact in my life and he isn't even here yet! We have been through a lot these past couple months, but I know all of the hard stuff has only made my love for him stronger, and I appreciate his life a lot more than I think I would if all of this came easy. He has taught me to TRUST GOD and know that God IS with us through it all.. His name is perfect. Trust Emmanuel Evans. (Emmanuel means God is with us) A constant reminder of God's provision for us and to Trust that everything will be okay.
I wrote this song last night called "Trust", Here are the lyrics!:
The Doctor's said that you may not live
But I believed something different for you
Trusting that we'd make it out of this somehow
Knowing you were not a mistake
And as you grow, I know
God is with us, God is with us
Trials come and go, but I know
Trust will carry us through
Trust will carry us through
Now you're 2 years old
A miracle living and breathing
Your life has become like
A living testimony
And as you grow, I know
God is with us, God is with us
Trials come and go, but I know
Trust will carry us through
Trust will carry us through
You are beautiful, my love
A miracle from birth
Thursday, February 4, 2010
We decided to name our little boy Trust Emmanuel Evans. This whole pregnancy has been all about trusting God, so we thought it was fitting! Emmanuel means "God with us" which He has been through this whole process. We will continue to trust God through the rest of this pregnancy, labor, delivery, childhood and adulthood. :)
I was a little nervous because right when the ultrasound technician put the wand on my belly she said my placenta was low and that we'd have to follow up with the doctor on it. I don't really know what it means but she told me a few activities to be careful on. Trusting God yet again! See? This name fits!
The rest of the ultrasound was great! We saw the heart, kidneys, fingers, legs all folded up and cute, arms, the cute little profile and it was great! Very reassuring and precious! I held back tears of joy the whole time!
I made a little video of our ultrasound experience so check it out in my videos on Facebook once I upload it!! The song in the background is called "Beautiful" by Phil Whickham, and it really helped me through a lot of emotions from the miscarriage, and through the trials of this pregnancy. I hope you like it!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
The Music line-up was more than superb! I can't even tell you how refreshing and awesome the music was. You could just tell there was a lot of heart put into everyone's performance.. IT WAS SO GOOD!
There was also a VERY successful art auction that evening! Local Artists in Columbus donated there art to sell to raise money for Haiti. We raised Over $300 for the art auction alone! I got a pretty fantastic piece that I can't wait to hang up in my living room. It will be my constant reminder to pray for Haiti, and keep seeking ways to reach out to them.
Throughout the evening there was probably 200 people that came.. or more.. I'm not sure! $1,100 was raised for Haiti, a number I didn't even think was possible! But yet again, the people of Columbus banned together to do something spectacular and blew my expectations. :)
THANK YOU to everyone who came, Played music, donated art and more! You are loved and appreciated!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
I've gained 11 pounds in 4 weeks! Usually, I wouldn't share my weight gain, but it is a COMPLETE blessing/miracle that I've been able to put on weight! It has seemed like such a struggle to keep any food down, and now I am eating pretty normally, with only an occasional bought of throwing up/nausea!
My doctor was very proud of me for the weight gain (since I'd lost 12 pounds previously) and said "Well! Looks like you are feeling better these days!" I said "Yes I am!!" He also said "Good to see you are unplugged too!" to which I said, "Praise the Lord!" I still feel funny without my medicine pump, it was a constant accessory for the last 4 months, but I am SOO happy to be without it! I still take some nausea medication every once and awhile but it is a definite improvement!
Whenever he used the heart monitor to check our babe's heartbeat, it was kind of funny... You would hear the heart for a few seconds then hear a gurgle and Doctor Parker said, "Do you hear that noise? That is your baby moving!" I thought it was neat and I chuckled a bit. He asked me if the baby had been moving at all and I said "YES! A LOT!" It was all good stuff.
We also talked about my friend Karen Wilson, he just delivered her baby yesterday, and we talked about the Vineyard and how we probably have a lot of mutual relationships. It's great to have a friendly and caring doctor!
I also got my blood drawn, and scheduled my Ultra Sound appointment after that for February 4th! I am excited out of my mind for that appointment! We will finally find out if we are having a Boy or a Girl, and get to have a DIGITAL 3D ultrasound! Pretty neat huh? I can't wait to put a name to this lovely child! That will be THE BEST!
Me and Brett made bets in the waiting room and I said if it is a girl, you have to take me to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner! and Brett said, well if it's a boy, you have to make me dinner for a month! We shook on it before I had time to think about it, and realized I got the bad end of the deal.. Oh well! Either way I will be thrilled! :)
I am falling so much in love with this baby! I water up just thinking about seeing him/her and getting to be his/her parent! What an honor.. thank you Jesus for allowing me to do this! I am so unworthy, but still you give me this marvelous gift of parenthood!