Adventures with Heather

Saturday, July 23, 2016

When Can't turns to Can

*Deep Breath* This has happened to me before. 

I've questioned whether I can do music because I have a kid. Now I have TWO kids & I live in a new place where no one knows me, & I left behind lots of friends that do music & it's hard. I find myself asking "should I just quit?" 

Before when I was going through the "I've gotta quit music" faze I cried, I mourned, I felt sorry for myself & wrote a song to get through my grief. 😂 Do you think quitting music worked out for me?! Haha 

No, it didn't! In fact, the "I can't" voice in my head was so loud, I started to get stubborn & wanted to prove it wrong. I wanted to dream again, but I was SCARED. 

Being a stay at home mom is a super high calling & I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well. To me, I felt like doing music was going to be a distraction from the greater work of raising Trust, but that thinking became a road block & a hindrance. I started to separate myself into categories and boxes & decided ok, if it doesn't fit into my mom box, then I can't do it.

Needless to say, this didn't work out for me very well. I started to break down emotionally. I was pouring out myself to the point of almost punishing myself. Do you get what I mean? Like you give your kid all the veggies & you just get the bread, it's all out of love, but you end up getting sick because you aren't getting what you need. Or like how they tell you on an airplane, "put the air mask on yourself first, then help your kids get theirs on." Because if you are dead, you can't help anyone else.

Lightbulb moment! 

Music to me is my veggies, & not to be cheesy, it's my oxygen. It's how I connect with God through singing to Him my worries & concerns or how I engage through worship. It's how I process my day. It's my journal entry, they just turn out as songs! I am NO GOOD to Trust or Story unless I can take care of my heart. I'm a leaky bucket, I can pour myself out so well but need filled up! 

Also, my kids need to see me model doing what my passion is so they can have courage to do their passions one day! To take risks in a way where they say "man, mom really stepped out & trusted God in that thing, & it worked! I can step out too!" 

I saw this happen when I stepped out to make a music video to raise awareness about human trafficking. Trust was 3 & God placed this HUGE burden on my heart for women stuck in Sex Trafficking & a good friend who was a video producer helped me make a $100,000+ music video with the help of a bunch of amazing volunteers, all for free, because they BELIEVED in the cause. They got inspired and ended up taking the project to the next level & made a documentary Short about the realities of sex trafficking in the U.S. 

I guess the biggest lesson I'm learning is to TRUST God in the season He has me in & know He hasn't forgotten me. 

It's easy to feel forgotten as a mom. You put everyone else's needs ahead of your own & at the end of the day you feel so tired & worn out that you're not sure if what you're doing matters or is making an impact. 

I'm not gonna lie, I go all out as a mom. Yummy meals & snacks, activities, fun outings, & a schedule we follow. But... Watching other people's instagram's can make what you are doing seems dumb or less than, even ordinary. It's not a glamorous life.

BUT what if these little lives I'm pouring into are worth every ordinary second. They are learning & growing & changing so fast! It's a long grueling season in some respects, but in other ways it's like a blink!

My son Trust starts kindergarten in a few weeks & I can't believe the amazing little man he is becoming! So sweet, caring and intuitive of people's emotions. He's  Super empathetic. He wants to be a movie Director & Actor one day. What if he becomes a super famous Director that makes world changing movies? We are raising future adults! What an honor! 

I took a step to write down some dreams I have for my music this year. They are smaller dreams but I think it's powerful to write them down & not be scared of them & to ask the Lord SPECIFICALLY what you want. I know my limitations, but with The Lord there are no limitations! I've seen it time & time again & it's fun to watch Him move & open doors!

So dream AND be amazing mommas. We can do both & not lack in either area. Turn that I can't into I can & ask God specifically what you want! He is not scared of your dreams! Let's move some mountains! 

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