As I sat nervously with my dad and Trust in the small exam room of the Gastro doc, my anxiety began to mount. The nurse pract. asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms and the doctor came in shortly after. We talked for a while (he is really nice) and I've lost 8 lbs since the last time I saw him a month or so ago, and he suggested we do some more testing to figure out what was going on.
When he mentioned the tests I'd need to get done, my heart dropped to my feet. Colonoscopy, Barium swallow esophagus scan, CAT Scan on my abdomen. CAT Scans are no big deal, but for some reason a colonoscopy at 24 just really bugs me!! We got them scheduled for THIS Thursday and Friday and the Colonoscopy will be later is the findings aren't clear. So soon..I felt the doctors urgency because of all the weight I've lost. I felt panicky in the parking lot and told my dad I didn't want to do it and spouted off a bit. He calmed me down and told me to look at it as a good thing, that we'd know what was going on after all that is done.
On the drive home I listened to a song called Blessings, and it made me cry. Through tears I told God "help me to trust you!" I'm pretty honest with Jesus about stuff, and these past couple months have really grown my relationship with Him. I used to be kind of conditional with Him, like if things are going good then we are good, but now I am learning to lean on Him and draw strength from him even in the hard times.
Thursday I got the Barium swallow test done and it wasn't too bad. I stood in front of an XRAY machine and drank barium and they watched it go down my esophagus. It was wild! The good thing is there are no blockages in my esophagus, but they could see some significant acid reflux coming back up (that's even on reflux meds!).
Today I came to get the CAT SCAN done drank half the crystal lite dye concoction, and they took me out in the hallway for a second and told me that they possibly can't do the CAT SCAN today if the Barium from yesterday's test is still in my intestines. They took an XRAY and sure enough the Barium was bright as day on the XRAY and I will have to come back next week. I am bummed for many reasons. The planning of finding someone to watch T, Drinking the dye again, and having to go through this all over again.
The last time I had a CAT SCAN was in the ER after having Trust. It was around the same time, and they found out I had congestive heart failure and it was a really scary time for me. So CAT SCANS are not a fun thing to do, and bring up a lot of crazy emotions. Sounds, smells, memories.. It all triggers thoughts of where I was a year ago, unsure if I would be ok and if I'd be around for my newborn son and husband. I still have similar fears, but I got through it the first time, and I can do it again, right?
Needless to say, we have to reschedule the CAT SCAN for next week. We waited two hours, I drank that stupid dye, and we have to do it all over again! Me and Brett screamed in the car out of frustration. And now we are left waiting again... As if my problems could wait. I keep losing weight and I'm scared... Yet leaning on Jesus for hope and strength.