That could be all I write and it would sum this whole blog up!
I literally look forward to seeing his chubby face every feeding, even though I am tired and exhausted, it is so worth it. I think the reason I appreciate him so much (fussy times and all) is because he and I were so close to not being here. I realize more than ever the GIFT he is.. That he is only mine because God gave him to me. I am learning SO much in this time! Allow me to ellaborate..
It hasn't been the easiest transition for me.. I mean I am human. Lack of sleep, sheer exhaustion, and fluctuating emotions constantly make me frustrated, sad feeling, overwhelmed etc.. I've apologized to Brett 3 times already this week for snapping at him. But I am realizing, it's ok. It is all part of this crazy journey I'm on of motherhood. It has actually been really good for me, humbling even. I mean before it was a little hard for me to say sorry or admit I was wrong, but now I am making more of an effort to say sorry if I've said something cutting.
I'm even learning about self sacrifice in a whole new way. Before Trust I would wake up at my leisure, pressing the snooze button 3 or 4 times before hopping into the shower.. But now right when the alarm (my crying baby) goes off and I jump up out of bed to give him his bottle and change his diaper. There is no option of snooze! When a baby is hungry you HAVE to feed them, obviously. Showers and meals are scarce. Coffee is essential. Starting your day off with a positive attitude and with Jesus by your side is the MOST important thing, or you won't make it.
Now that I am a stay at home mom, I look up to my mom and other moms staying home with their kids.. It is SO hard, but so worth it.
Yesterday was so full of surprises and "God Moments"..
I went to the church for Pastor's Prayer with Brett and got some AWESOME prayer. Craig & Linda Hesselton, Andy Saperstein, and Kelli Messik prayed for me. Craig got a word for me that was really applicable to how I've been feeling. He said that my emotions were like crushed ice and that I had been crushed by everything that happened to me through Pregnancy on and that God wanted to equalize my emotions again and give me back joy. It was like a weight was lifted when he prayed that! It had been a while since I'd felt happy/joyful like before pregnancy and I can honestly say yesterday I felt really happy/joyful and full of God. I could feel Him speaking to me about things again.
Linda got a picture of my life being like a garden. My life was Raked up (pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery), seeds were planted in that time, and God is going to produce fruit from everything. I've always felt that! From the beginning I knew Trust's story would help others and that God was going to work everything together for good! All day yesterday and today I've been trying to compile my thoughts on how to speak about my situation to people to give them hope. I am even speaking at the High School in the coming months and it is perfect timing! I know God is going to give me more opportunities like this.
Kelli prayed that I would be given songs of love for God and of hope for others. I KNOW this will come to be because my heart is always filled with songs. :)
I've also been thinking ALOT of the phrase from Chronicles of Narnia "Aslan is on the Move". Aslan is the Great Lion, King of Narnia who is supposed to be representative of Jesus. I just keep thinking in all of that crazy situations in my life and other people's life right now that God is on the Move. He is working. He is turning the ugly, cold winter into beautiful, warm spring! He makes all things new. He makes all of the horrible circumstances I went through something good and beautiful.
One last thing about yesterday. Brett went to a guys night at Larry Miller's house last night and he came home after I had already went to sleep. When I woke up for Trust's 2am feeding, there was a beautiful box and a card on top of it in the bathroom. I read the card, and almost burst with amazement. It said this:
"Heather, This is totally random, but you were on my mind tonight & I wanted to give you a care package (for the new mommy).
I feel like God wants you to know He totally sees you right now
WOW. I read that note and thanked God. He is pursuing my heart like crazy right now and I am just floored at all He is doing.